Page 68 of Give Me Peace

“That’s…that’s not what this is about.” She waves a shaky hand at the scribbled confession. “I’m humiliated I even wrote it. You finding it was just the cherry on top. It’s not exactly something I want to talk about with you, or anyone really.” I lick my lips, searching for the right thing to say. I tend to bulldoze, but I refuse to take that approach with this. She needs to let me in on her terms.

“Saylor Elise Radley, there’s not a goddamn thing you could say or do that would change how I feel about you. I want you secure enough in what we have that nothing’s off limits between us. If you’re not there yet, then…that’s okay. I won’t stop trying, though.”

Her gorgeous blue eyes shimmer. “It’s not about you and me. Honestly, my feelings are probably making it worse. You aren’t some stranger I can confess my secrets to and never have to see again. We live together, Havok. Share a house and friends. I don’t want to make things awkward for you or me.” I grind my jaw to keep from saying something I shouldn’t.

We share a lot more than that, baby.

“Are you talking to your therapist at least?” I ask, trying to be supportive. Saylor scrunches her nose, making me groan in frustration.

“Damn it, Say.” I stand, needing to put some space between us before I do something stupid. Like fix her little problem my damn self. “You can’t just let shit fester. She’s being paid to help you, so what the fuck are the two of you chatting about for an hour every week, if not this?” I’m unraveling, heated words flying from my mouth before I can filter them. I don’t understand, and it makes me the worst piece of shit because all I can think about is that Saylor’s nowhere close to being ready for anything with me—with anyone—if she hasn’t even addressed what happened to her.

All this time, I thought she was healing. Working past her trauma, but apparently not. I close my eyes, searching for a thread of patience. She’s still my girl. Always will be. No matter the capacity—friend, lover, former bully—I’m not going anywhere. I’m hers for as long as she’ll have me.

“You think I don’t know that?!” Saylor slides off the bed, stomping over to glare at me as she delivers her own verbal lashing. “At first, I didn’t want to think about it. I liked that Danielle didn’t force me to dredge up the past or what that man put me through. I was finally free of him, and all I wanted to do was pretend he never existed. That those five years didn’t happen. Is it so wrong to want to live in the now? For the woman I am today? I can’t change what happened to me, so what’s the point in talking about it?” When her tirade trails off, Saylor’s flushed and out of breath, but I’m just getting started.

“You’re giving me whiplash, Say,” I growl. “You want to live in the present? Fine. Fucking live then. You aren’t, though. You’re still holding on to the past, clinging to pieces that Liam took like the two of you are playing a game of tug-of-war. But guess what, baby? That spineless bastard will never know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of your consent. The power you’re giving him is a fucking illusion.”

“It’s not that simple!” She snaps, her body trembling with rage. At me. At Liam. The goddamn injustice of it all. “Don’t you think I’d put him to rest if I could? He’s like a damn cockroach. He keeps coming back to life. Whether it’s my dreams or everyday life, he’s haunts me.”

“Because you haven’t dealt with it!” I roar, chest heaving as I purge my anger. It seeps from my pores like thick, sticky tar. This hold he has on her needs to fucking go.

“I don’t know how!” Tears stream down her face, her shoulders slumping in defeat. Fuck. I press forward, backing Saylor’s small body against the wall. I cup her heated cheeks, stroking away the salty trail of pain she can’t contain any longer.

“The let me help, baby. Please.” My plea comes out strained but seeing her like this hurts beyond comprehension. I’d rather take a knife to the gut than watch Saylor compartmentalize to the point it’s harming her, whether she realizes it or not. “Talk to me. Tell me everything. You’ll find no judgment here. I can’t keep watching from the sidelines, Say.” Her breath stutters, but she wraps her hands around my wrists, gripping me like a lifeline. God, I want to be that for her. All she has to do is open up.

“I…I don’t even know where to start.” She bites her lip, but I erase another inch of space, putting us chest to torso. Her height deficit is really hindering our heart-to-heart. I grab her, walking us to the bathroom and place her pert little ass on the marble counter. She blinks but doesn’t protest my manhandling.

“Wherever you want, baby,” I tell her, sliding my hand beneath her curtain of blonde hair so I can rub the tension from her neck. Her eyes fall closed, searching for courage to voice the things she’s never told me or anyone else.

“He hurt me, but only with his f-fingers,” she whispers hoarsely, the confession tearing at her fragile resolve. Only. As if that makes it better. “It was painful. He wasn’t gentle or sweet like a boyfriend would be. I think he wanted it to hurt so I knew what he was capable of. After a while, my b-body just responded. I s-s-swear I didn’t l-like it.” Saylor sobs, pressing her face to my chest. I squeeze my eyelids together, warding off the image her words try to conjure.

“It’s okay. Breathe, baby.” I brush my lips against her temple.

“The first time it happened, I got sick after. Liam was thrilled to know he made me orgasm. From then on, he was softer, coaxing pleasure from my body like it was a game to him. The stakes had been raised. He knew what he was doing to me was far more painful than the rough way he used to touch me. Now, I’m broken. I tried to erase his touch and replace it with my own, but I can’t. My mind associates that feeling with Liam. So, yes, he did take something from me I may never get back. That’s my big, dirty secret.” Saylor keeps her gaze aimed on the floor, refusing to look at me as she rips my fucking heart out.

That shrimp dick motherfucker is going to die. I don’t give a shit what Loch or Denvers has to say. I don’t care that it’s wrong—illegal and immoral— to take another person’s life. Mark my words, that piece of shit will pay. His atonement will not take place in a guarded prison cell. I’m sending his ass straight to Hell.

“I’m so sorry, Say.” I pinch her chin between my fingers and tilt her face up. “There’s those pretty blue eyes I love.” They’re swimming with tears, but I don’t regret making her talk to me. “You can’t help that your body responded, baby. It doesn’t mean that you wanted it. Liam never had the right to touch you. One day, I’m going to cut his fucking hands off for it.” She snorts, thinking I’m joking, but if the opportunity ever presents itself, I plan to make good on my threat. We stay like that for a while, holding each other in the quiet as we sort through our thoughts. It isn’t until to room starts to darken that I realize how much time has passed.

“Come on. Let’s go snuggle.” Say doesn’t protest, letting me lead her to the closet so she can change into something to sleep in. She’s barely going through the motions, her strength zapped after revealing something so personal. I help pick out a sweatshirt—mine, of course—and turn my back so she can put it on. The last thing she needs right now is some horny asshole ogling her. Once Saylor’s decent, I pull the covers back and help her into bed. I shed my shirt but keep my joggers on. No point in torturing myself unnecessarily.

I settle Say against me, sighing at the way her head finds the crook of my neck. I feel every breath she takes, the light puffs sending shivers down my damn spine. Christ, I’m fucking putty when it comes to her. I trace my fingers up and down her arm, content to just hold her. I don’t care how long it takes—if it’s months or years—I’m determined to make Saylor see herself the way I do. Strong and resilient. Not broken. Far from it.

“I’d never done that before Liam. Touched myself, I mean. So that experience is singular to him now.” I freeze at her whispered revelation. I can’t say I’m not shocked, because I certainly am. She was fourteen; I’d been twiddling my dick since I was in single digits. Jesus. “I tried again the other night. When we got drunk. I got in the shower, ran my hand down my body, but the second I felt anything his face appeared. Mom used to tell me that hate is a strong word, but where Liam’s concerned, I don’t think it’s strong enough.” Goddamnit. She sounds so fucking defeated and it’s killing me. Screw it, here goes nothing. I swing my body over hers, bracing my upper half on my forearms. She sucks in a startled breath but doesn’t knee me in the balls. I’ll take that as a good sign.

“Do you trust me?” I hold her gaze, needing to see the answer more than hear it. She nods, but that’s not good enough right now. “Words, Say. I need words.”

“I trust you.”

I exhale in relief. “I want to try something. Are you okay with that?”

“Yes,” she responds with another nod.

“If you need a second, tell me to pause. If you want me to stop altogether, say stop, baby.” I lace our fingers together and raise them above her head. Slowly, I lean in, showing her my intentions and giving her plenty of time to pull away. Hovering just out of reach, a part of me wants Say to make the first move and take what she wants. But that’s not going to happen tonight. I press my mouth to hers, groaning at the long-awaited contact. I’ve thought of this moment a thousand times, but nothing could’ve prepared me for the actual reality of how good she’d feel. I snag her bottom lip between my teeth, and when a pleased gasps causes them to part, I take the opening and ease my tongue in. A slight moan escapes her, the sound going straight to my cock. I kiss Say like I’ll never get to again, reveling in the way she meets my every stroke.

“Havok,” she whispers, panting as I pull away.

“You good?” She nods eagerly. “Thank fuck.” I run my nose along her jaw, nipping at her ear before peppering kisses on her neck. The sweetest sighs fill the air, making my dick throb to the point of pain. Not tonight, buddy. I carefully unwind our fingers but lead her hand with mine. I watch her for any sign of alarm, but Say’s eyes are wide with excitement, pupils blown with need. I guide her, teasing her pebbled flesh until we reach the top of her panties.