Page 50 of Give Me Peace

“No.” Roan snorts comically. “I definitely do not see my sister when I look at you, Saylor.” His eyes are focused on me with such intensity it makes me squirm. “It fucked with my head when we found you. To see you bruised and bloody, not knowing if you were alive. But other than that, I don’t see Elira when I look at you. I see a beautiful woman who fought as best she could against an unbeatable enemy. Liam had the upper hand every step of the way, but you never gave up. And I know you could have. I’m worried that I’m failing you because it feels like I’ve done more harm than good.”

I take a deep breath, trying to untangle my thoughts and emotions, when all I really want to do is have a good, long cry. They see me so differently than I see myself, but it’s clear Roan’s struggles with the same self-deprecation I do.

“All these times you’ve built up in your head—the light getting turned off at the hospital, the parking garage, tying Kash up, punching Havok—you’re giving them too much credit. There will always be a chance that something will trigger a bad memory. Some will be worse than others, but I’ll get through it. I know I’m not as strong as I will be one day, but I’m not made of glass, either.”

“Shit, Little Fighter,” Roan whispers hoarsely, sliding forward to erase the space between us. Hands framing my face, his thumbs stroke my cheeks. I’m surrounded by Roan and startled to find it so comforting. “I know you aren’t weak. Hell, I think you’re stronger than you realize. But I’ll do my best to remember that the next time I fuck up, because it’s bound to happen.” He laughs lightly, making me smile.

“Now, can I please have a hug?” His voice is steady, masking the hint of worry clouding his eyes.

“Are you going to apologize to Havok?” I tease him.

“As soon as we’re through.”

“Okay, then.” I grin, reaching forward to wrap my arms around him. Roan tugs me so I’m straddling his lap and buries his face in my hair. I tense, a tad uneasy with the change in position.

“Sorry,” he mumbles, but doesn’t let me go. “I just needed you close for a second. I was scared as fuck you’d never talk to me again. You forgive me, right?” I relax, wanting to reassure him that I’m not going anywhere.

“Everyone makes mistakes. As long as you understand it was wrong for you to hit him, we’re good.” I rest my chin on his shoulder, running my fingers through the loose strands of his hair.

“I know it was. But I still can’t believe he said that shit to you.” His arms flex, tightening around me as he thinks back to Havok’s confession.

“Well, he was a dumb boy.” I smile, even though Roan can’t see me.

“I’d debate he still is,” he grumbles, making me laugh.

“And just to be clear, no one wanted his dick. He was way too angry.” Roan jerks back, his wide, disbelieving eyes boring into mine.

“Don’t say that word.” He sounds positively horrified.

“What word? D—.” He slaps a hand over my mouth. I try to mumble around it, but all I really succeed in doing is licking his palm. Roan groans, his eyes closing as he searches for patience. I’m shaking from laughing so hard, but he grips my hips to halt the movement. His forehead drops to mine, and my laughter dies a quick death. We’re close enough to feel each other breathing. There are two very different urges warring inside of me right now.

On one hand, I’m dying to eliminate the minuscule distance between our lips. I want to know what he tastes like. What it’d be like to finally share a kiss with someone. But on the other hand, I’m so scared I want nothing more than to bolt back up the stairs and pretend this never happened. Because it’s not supposed to. Not this soon, at least. There’s something wrong with me for even entertaining those sorts of thoughts this early on.

“We’re good. You hear me?” Roan’s voice is gruff, but it’s like he heard every thought going through my head. He’s talking us both down from crossing a line. I nod, the motion bringing our lips so close they touch for the briefest second. I inhale sharply, making him swear. “Fuck.”

“What kind of muffin did you bring me?” Roan asks, trying his damndest to redirect us.

“Um…blueberry?”

“Good. That’s good. Sounds awesome. Fucking brilliant, actually.” I laugh, easing back to give us both some much needed space. When my butt is firmly on the ground, I grab the muffin that got pushed aside earlier and hand it to him. He smirks and takes a bite, the tightness in his body visibly dissipating.

“Fuck, that’s good.” Roan eats the rest in a matter of milliseconds, meanwhile, I’ve barely had a proper taste of mine. He waits patiently for me to finish, then climbs to his feet. Extending his hand, he helps me up and tosses our trash. Our size difference still blows my mind. I have to crane my neck just to give him a grateful smile.

“Guess you’ve got some apologizing to do.” Glancing over my shoulder, I give him a pointed look. “I’m going to find Kash. I didn’t see him this morning and I want to make sure he hasn’t gotten himself into any trouble.”

“I’m sure he has,” Roan remarks dryly. He trails me until the main hallway ends, then wraps his fingers around my good wrist. “Thank you.” He leans down and presses a kiss to my cheek. It’s so close to the corner of my mouth it sends my heart galloping all over again. He winks and leaves me standing there as he heads for Havok’s room. I blink a few times, trying to clear the fog he’s put me under. Turning right, I knock on the twins’ door, hoping it won’t be Krew that answers.

“It’s open,” Kash hollers. I peek my head in, hand covering my eyes just in case he isn’t decent.

“It’s me,” I announce, cracking my fingers a bit when he doesn’t yell for me to get out. Kash’s amused grin greets me. I roll my eyes, closing the door behind me. “What’s that?” I nod toward the book resting on the bed beside him. He looks over, his eyes going comically wide before he jerks a blanket over it.

“That? Oh, that was nothing. Just some light reading material,” he rambles, his gaze landing on anything but me.

“Really? What’s it about?” I cock my head, walking a little closer.

“Um…the lifecycle of honeybees. It’s riveting. They play a vital role in our ecosystem.” Kash nods rapidly.

“Wow. Sounds interesting. Can I have a look?” I smile sweetly, batting my lashes to further seal the deal.