Page 46 of Give Me Peace

I nod. “I used Mom’s a good bit. I was supposed to get one of my own in a couple of months, when I started high school. But, you know…”

“Yeah, Tink. I know,” Krew voices quietly. “This is the app store. Download or buy whatever you’d like. I’ve linked the business credit card to your wallet, just double-click this button to pay. Our Amazon account is signed into as well, so the delivery address is sorted.”

“Can I not use my own card? I don’t want to keep taking money from you guys. You’ve already done so much for me, and now you’ve spent even more on a laptop and phone, which is a whole bill in itself, not to mention all the food and the clothes and..” I ramble, my eyes widening as I list off everything given me to without a single complaint or expectation of repayment.

“Hey,” Krew gripes, spinning my chair to face his. “Stop stressing over how we choose to spend our money. If I want to buy you a goddamn pony, I will.” He narrows his eyes, begging me to argue.

“Will you put a sparkly cone on its head so I can call it a unicorn?” I ask him, my face a complete mask of seriousness. He snorts, shaking his head at me.

“You’ve been hanging around Kash too much. And the reason your card isn’t attached is because A—we never ordered one since we had zero intention of pulling anything from the account, and B—it would be counterproductive to link your name to anything that could potentially lead back to here. We aren’t trying to hold your money hostage, Tink.” Krew softens, wanting me to understand the reasoning behind their choice, and now that he’s explained the how’s and why’s, it makes perfect sense.

“I get it. I just want to feel like I’m pulling my weight.” I shrug, squirming in my seat as he watches me intently.

“I can understand that. Kash and I relied on Loch and Ro a lot when we first moved in with them. It took a while to get past feeling like we were indebted to them, but they didn’t help us because they wanted something in return. Same goes for you. I promise, as soon as this is all over, you’ll have full access to everything. And it will end, Saylor. We’ll get you your life back. You’ll have it all, Tink: a dream career, a doting husband, two-point-five kids, and a white picket fence. The whole works. One day, you’ll look back and realize all of this,” Krew waves his hand around. “Was just a steppingstone to the good part.”

I swallow thickly, my heart thumping frantically as I try to maintain the appearance of being calm. What does he mean by all of ‘this’? As in him and the guys? I’ve wondered what will happen when Liam’s no longer a threat to me, but I didn’t imagine they’d disappear. I can’t fathom not having them around. I’ve gotten stupidly attached, and now I’m questioning if they have any plans to remain permanent fixtures in my life once this is all said and done. I’ll never see them as steppingstones.

Or is the ‘this’ he’s referring to the past five years as a whole?

I’m feeling confused and uncertain, so I thank Krew for his help and head straight to my room. Someone’s placed the other items on my dresser. With new eyes, I can’t help but wonder if they gave me these things so I’d sort my education out, giving me something to fall back on. Nothing they’ve said or done would make me think that, but Krew’s words have me picking apart every interaction. Overanalyzing the details. There was nothing overly rude about them. In fact, they were sweet, but the apathetic way he spoke makes me feel like an inconvenience. For all I know, he didn’t mean it that way at all, but I don’t have the guts to outright ask for clarification. That could be mortifying if his answer doesn’t lean in my favor.

Yes, Saylor. I did mean, in a politer, round-about way, that your welcome here has an expiration date.

I opt for a hot bath, hoping it’ll help me clear my head. I don’t want to fall back into the same pattern of questioning everything and wondering if I’ve done something wrong, eager to please everyone just to feel like I belong. I haven’t felt that way here. And any time I’ve tried to cave and do what the guys want, they refuse to let me. I slip beneath the water, wishing I could scream, but knowing my luck, I’d accidently inhale and drown myself. Overthinking is tortuous enough.

The guys stop by sporadically throughout the day, checking to make sure everything’s okay. I tell them I’m fine. And I am. I just need to get some perspective and lower my expectations. They don’t owe me their undying loyalty and friendship. If we keep in touch once I’m no longer living here, that’s great. But they have established lives, and I’m starting from scratch. I’d never hold it against them if we lost touch.

Later that night, I wake to Roan storming through my door, my own screams echoing off the walls and making my ears ring.

“I’ve got her,” he pants roughly, shoving the others back out.

As he climbs in next to me and hugs me to his chest, I can’t for the life of me remember what I was even dreaming about. But I have a sick feeling it had everything to do with my tumultuous thoughts before bed, and not the psycho who should be disrupting my sleep.

Chapter Twenty-Three

Saylor

I’m mid-way through my second session with Danielle when my phone dings. I glance at it while trying to keep my attention on the topic at hand. For the most part, she’s let me lead the discussion, asking what I’d like to talk about, instead of hounding me with questions. I’m still feeling a bit raw over the whole Krew thing, and I’m pretty certain Danielle has picked up on the fact my mind is elsewhere. I briefly considered bringing it up—to see if she could offer some insight and ease my worries—but squashed the idea rather quickly.

It's more likely than not I’m making a mountain out of a molehill but tell that to my brain. It’s playing my insecurities against me, making me feel like a crazy person because I can’t quit picking apart every word of my and Krew’s conversation. I shake my thoughts away, tuning back into the video call I’m doing a horrible job of participating in. We’ve talked about Mom mostly. Everything Havok told me and the way he was there for her after I was taken, especially during the last few weeks of her life. I’ve explained my complicated past with him and how his involvement in the aftermath of my disappearance makes me feel.

“And what about the list I asked you to start working on? Were you able to make any progress?” Danielle leans forward, her face filling more of the screen.

“I’ve got a few things written down. I’d like to get my GED. Without some sort of education, I doubt I’d make it very far. The guys gifted me a laptop and several different study guides so I could start working towards it,” I answer, trying to let the excitement I’d felt when they’d given it to me worm its way back in.

“That was very thoughtful of them. And I think that’s an excellent goal to set for yourself, Saylor.” I smile, looking at the clock for the millionth time. “This feels like a good stopping point for today. I’m guest speaking at a conference next week, but I’ll be back in the office a day later than normal. Does that work for you?”

“That’s fine.”

“Perfect. If you need anything during the meantime, don’t hesitate to reach out. Mr. Calloway has my personal and office number.”

We say our goodbyes, and much like last week, I slump against Lochan’s office chair and take a few minutes to decompress. Using my toes, I slowly spin myself. With my eyes closed, it feels like I’m on the world’s smallest merry go round. Like one of those quarter machines outside the old Grocery Mart back in Pike’s Bay. My phone chimes again, making me stop and reach for it. Two unread messages from Kash stare back at me.

Kash: Pepperoni or pepperoni? Because there really is no other option.

Kash: Best Friend, I need an answer ASAP. We’re about to get outvoted.

I smile, pushing myself up to go find the guys. They’re exactly where they always are, scattered around the living room, looking positively bored.