Page 135 of The Edge of Darkness

“We think that’s what it requires. Nivelle was the one who suggested it. She apparently plans to take that up with Torin the next time she sees her. And if there’s anyone who has a chance at getting something like that from the goddess, it would be her. Unleashing it won’t be easy, though. And I’m not particularly fond of the spell that’s linked to it.”

“You plan to unleash it during battle, then?”

“I’m going to try. Neither Lyceius, nor Skadi will see it coming. Hopefully it will buy Auren some time and save lives.”

“And it will free you,” I reminded him.

“This isn’t about me.”

“No, but your well-being is just as important as everyone else’s.”

“I’m not so sure my well-being is included in the unbinding process.”

The tone of his voice set me on edge. It sounded as if he was wrestling with thoughts of his own demise. I wasn’t as good at reading him as he was at reading me, but I could tell when he was truly bothered.

“What are you saying?” I pressed.

“The wraith claimed no one knew the cost of releasing the Aether from its vessel . . . but I think I do. I think I’ve always known. It’s the one thing that I constantly fight with on a daily basis when it comes to my power.” He winced as he said, “It’s my mind.”

“Your mind? Like . . . your sanity?”

“My mind, as in, me. My memories, my very essence.”

At a loss for words, I stared at him. And for the very first time, I saw a glimpse at the strain he always masked. The Aura had been a significant source of tension that he somehow managed to endure. He never let that struggle show. Never.

Until now.

His eyes dimmed as exhaustion set into his features. “The Aether is all consuming,” he said, grimly. “It’s everything, everywhere, all at once. It takes all that I have to keep it in check—much like your own power. But when I release it, I don’t know how much of myself I’ll get to keep a hold of.”

“You don’t have to release it, Aremis⁠—”

“I do,” he insisted. “I’ve wanted to for most of my life. I just never had the means to, nor did I have Maeson. She’s . . . she’s my purpose, I think. If I could feel a damn thing, I’m pretty sure she would be my mate.” He glanced at me, then looked back out over the mountains. “She’s going to help me do it. Whatever that brings afterward is . . . well, it doesn’t matter. It has to be done. It needs to be done. And there’s no better time than this war. That way, just in case things don’t go as planned and I end up . . . at a loss . . . the benefits will outweigh the cost.”

I hated to hear him think that way. While I understood his reasoning, it still didn’t sit well with me that there was a possibility he might lose everything.

“So, you see.” He sighed. “We both need to get our shit together.”

His attempt to make light of the situation fell flat. I couldn’t get past the thought of him struggling. To be so eager, and yet so afraid of the one thing that might allow you peace . . .

And I thought my power struggle was difficult.

“I don’t want you to worry about me, Nye. I’ll handle it, however it plays out. I’ll find the balance, just as I know you will.”

“You’re just like Auren. You put too much faith in me,” I said in a tone that was far too ominous for my own taste.

“That’s why I’m your second,” he reminded me, a trace of his normal self breaking through and smoothing his brow. “And as your second, and your chief advisor, I’m going to advise you to not wait too long to speak to Auren about all this. She needs to know what you plan to do, and the magnitude of it.”

“I know.”

His attention fell to where I was clenching and unclenching my fists. “I’ll leave you to it then.” He nodded toward my hands before meeting my eyes one last time. “Find your balance.”

I gave him a curt nod of my own, then he vanished.

In his absence, I became overwhelmed with emotion.

Too many things were warring in my mind. The sun was suddenly too hot, the air too heavy. My hands shook, my palms slick with sweat. Shadows whipped through my veins, but I tried to keep a hold on them—to make them obey my command—and wait until I called them forth.

I needed to gain control.