Page 19 of The Logic of Loyalty

“That’s a great idea! I’ll see if Carter has anyone else he wants to invite. This should be fun!”

Perfect.

“Should be fun,” Abigail mimics, wiping whipped cream from her face.

“So, Friday, party at my place? The neighbors are going to be doing a bigger show than usual.” Since I gave them extra cash to do it.

“Perfect.” Becky picks up her phone and types in a few things. “There. Carter knows.” She taps a few more times. “And I have it in my calendar.”

“Perfect!” Abigail chirps.

Becky leans in a little closer. “You need to invite that h-o-t-t-i-e with a body you work for. Daddy Bright will absolutely brighten our night,” she says, her grin wicked and playful.

“Honestly, that’s a good idea.” He needs to get out of his house, and the baby will be happily cared for by the group.

Becky adds, like an afterthought, “Carri, too, of course.”

“Of course.” I choke the words out, guilt for the unavoidable fib. I’m locked into Josh’s request to keep things under wraps about Caroline’s disappearing act. He even asked me to keep it from Trevor. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. I let Josh know that I already told Bethany, but he requested my silence elsewhere. There’s a certain confidentiality I need to respect with my employers when we sign our contracts. I hate it.

“Thursday night’s music in the park is in a couple of days! Are you and Carter going this week?”

“Yes! I’m so excited. It’s going to be a full date. Dinner and the works.”

Ugly jealousy fills me at her news. I can’t remember the last time Trevor and I had an opportunity to go on a date. I bat that down ruthlessly. “That’s really lovely … I’m a little jealous.”

Becky pats my hand. “Anytime you want me to watch your cro—your little goblin, I am happy to do so.”

“You have a goblin, Ms. Paige?”

I ruffle Abigail’s hair. “Yes, I do. So does your mom.”

“She does?”

Becky and I look at one another and shake our heads. She’s so cute. We chat a bit longer until Abigail starts to get grumpy, and I need to head back to get my son. I’m dropping her off early so her mom can take her to a birthday party, and Josh has asked me to come in when I can.

“See ya on Friday, lovely!” I call out to Becky as we split up on the sidewalk.

“Later, ladies!” Becky waves, climbing into her SUV.

Jacob is at the kitchen island, playing his game, and I’m holding a fussy Cassian, bouncing him around when Josh comes strolling into the room. As a private financial consultant and the owner of his own firm, Josh can work from home, the office, or the middle of an ocean. Lately, he’s mostly been working from home. I can’t imagine how it feels to be a single parent to such a tiny human. The idea of going through the early days completely by myself sounds practically impossible. The thought alone makes me shudder.

“You alright, boss man?” I nudge him in the shoulder while he finishes rinsing his coffee mug. He freezes at the contact, but then finishes up his process, opening the dishwasher and carefully placing it inside. He turns to me and opens his mouth to respond, but then he cuts a look at my son.

“Oh, he’s locked in on his channel. He can’t hear a thing.” Josh still looks skeptical, so I demonstrate. “Watch.” I spin to Jacob and clear my throat loudly. Nothing. Josh raises his brow, but still looks unconvinced. “I’ll buy you a new tablet if you look at me right … now!” When his brow doesn’t even twitch, I grin triumphantly, and Josh shakes his head at me.

“I’m—fine.” I choke back the wildly inappropriate laugh at that false statement.

“You’re fine,” I say it as a statement, but it’s a question.

“Okay, smart-ass. I’m coping. I’m making my way through each and every day by focusing on what’s right in front of me.” His eyes dip down to the small form strapped to my chest. “He’s all that matters right now.” His hand glides over Cassian’s feathersoft hair before he rests it on my shoulder. With a small squeeze, he whispers, “Thank you, Paige, for showing up for my baby, for stepping in the way you have. I never expect—” His eyes go distant, and he takes a step back from me. “This was all unexpected, and I don’t really know what I would have done if you hadn’t been so flexible with me. With us.”

These poor boys. Momma is gone, and they don’t know where or why. Cassian won’t know his mother if they never figure this out. He’ll probably grow up in a single-parent home. Like me.

I ward off my own dark memories and soothe myself with the knowledge that he has a loving, well-off father. Josh’s sadness is palpable, though. I want to hold this little family and heal them with some of the extra love I have in my heart.

With another kiss on his son’s head, Josh returns to his office with a small wave. Every step he takes away from his child looks heavier than the last, the click of his door shutting a quiet punctuation on the distance between them. I feel the weight of the pain in this house, and it unsettles me in a way I don’t want to examine more closely. I shake off the melancholy of the moment and get back into our normal morning routine. Without any breast milk or nursing, we are flying through the formula. I sink into the motions of prepping it and slip into the memories of Jacob as a baby.

I had desperately wanted to breastfeed, but circumstances that were out of my control made it next to impossible. I pumped for him for almost an entire year, only producing enough to fill a single bottle each day … It was one of the most exhausting experiences of my life. Looking at my beautiful, healthy, growing boy, I’m able to pull myself out of the downward spiral of those thoughts. Maybe this little one will be different—my tiny invader, safe and sound, growing every moment in my body. Please stay in here and stay safe.