Page 46 of Merciless

“Mum?” I asked in pure desperation as all my remaining strength suddenly drained from my body.

I slumped towards the cool, hard earth, unable to move, prepared to remain there forever. Hushed ramblings managed to pass my lips, though I didn’t understand a word.

There was a tsunami of repressed emotions that had wiped out any form of coherent thought. The results were catastrophic, causing my muscles to lock up and my mind to detach from reality.

I was sucked into a haunting abyss, the past four years charging towards me at full speed.

The helplessness, the betrayal, the hate, the despair. A never-ending reel of agonising torment.

Everything that I had cultivated was now consuming me back, eating me alive from the inside out. The trade-off was bleak and utterly ruinous, and my body couldn’t keep up with the onslaught. My emotional trauma manifested in physical form, refusing to be held back any longer.

What little focus I did have was locked onto my mother’s name, wishing and fucking praying she would appear and save me from myself.

As my swollen eyes managed to close shut, I was finally able to piece together the phrase I chanted repeatedly under my breath. “Why am I not enough? Why am I not enough? Why am I not enough?”

I felt like I was dying and, in some ways, I wished I was.

That’s when I told her everything. I unleashed it all—each conniving plan, every selfish thought. I gave it to her freely, knowing she never would have judged me.

It could have been minutes or hours, although time did not matter. Once I opened that dialogue, it could not be reclosed.

Shadows grew deep and long as the sun set in the distance. My mouth was dry, and my chest rattled, but I didn’t stop.

Until I reached the one confession I held back—the worst one.

“I-I refused to help him, Mum,” I whispered. “After everything, I just couldn’t give him my kidney. I can’t give him absolution when I can’t even find any for myself. He wants me to save him. But who is going to save me? Who is going to save me?” I asked, my voice dropping into a broken murmur.

A bout of silence followed, as the last remaining energy drained from my very being to enrich the soil beneath. Take it all.

“I am the monster I claim to be,” I confessed. “As I can’t help but wish he died instead of you.”

And with that last admission spoken aloud, darkness finally took hold, pulling me down into long-awaited nothingness.

Someone was calling my name from afar. A familiar, melodic voice I had dreamed of so many times before.

Warm hands braced my jawline, thumbs soothing over my cheeks.

The touch was soft, caring, so fucking meaningful that I desperately sought out more. My face turned into their waiting palm, wanting to bury myself in the fragrant jasmine scent that always calmed me.

“Colton, I need you to open your eyes,” she said, her tone laced with a particular urgency. “Open your eyes and look at me.”

Don’t be so sad. I’m right here.

I barely managed to pry my lids open when I was caught beneath the gaze of swirling brown irises, lined with concern.

No. Don’t waste your worry on me.

Despite my limbs being heavy, with great effort, I managed to lift one hand, my fingers tracing a line down her unblemished, beautiful face.

“Don’t be sad,” I gurgled, barely coherent.

“What did you take, Colton? Are you drunk? I’m going to call an ambulance.”

I latched on to her wrist tightly. “No. No ambulance. No hospital.”

I could feel my power waning fast. I had to stress the importance of not being taken to a hospital. “Leave me here. Anywhere. But I can’t go back there. I can’t.”

“Okay,” the stranger whispered. “Where are you staying?”