Page 66 of Reforging Onyx

Onyx nodded and got up, going to his usual chair. He was surprised Dominic had ordered food for both of them; he’d half expected to go hungry because of Dominic’s mood.

But maybe they’d gotten past it.

Until, at least, the next evening when the plug went in again.

He ate quietly, trying not to draw attention to himself.

Dominic’s silence was bothering him, and whatever he was thinking had storm clouds over his head like in those old cartoons. He didn’t want to risk that being brought down on him.

“What's wrong?” he found himself blurting out.

Stupid. So stupid.

Dominic paused, as though he was considering the question. “How long will you continue to fight it?"

Onyx blinked at him, not following. “What? Fight what?”

“You are humiliated not because you dislike my touch, but because you do like it. And you dislike something that you believe that says about you. You fight against it, and so you feel humiliated. How long will you fight it?” Dominic clarified.

Onyx went still. Because… Dominic wasn’t wrong, was he? He did hate what it said about him, and he did enjoy it. That was the worst part. If he didn’t enjoy it, it would’ve been so much easier.

Wouldn’t it?

“I don’t know,” he replied quietly.

Dominic nodded. “Making you come, bringing your body pleasure, that’s biology. I can do that whether I have you bent over the end of my bed or in my arms inside it. It was simpler when you were bent over the end of my bed because I was the villain. You could hate me despite anything I did to you. Because of it, even. And I’m still the villain of the story, still making your body do things that you don’t want, but now you risk enjoying it. You fight against it, because in your mind you cannot both enjoy what I do and hate me for being the villain. These things are not mutually exclusive.” The words were clinical, factual, no apparent emotional attachment of one scenario versus the other.

Onyx shuddered at the memories, not wanting them. Needing to not have them, but it was too late because Dominic had given voice to them, bringing them into the present and letting them cut into him with their jagged edges.

The truth was that he was having a difficult time maintaining the level of hatred that Dominic deserved. It wasn’t like he forgave him — fuck that — or like he could ever forget. He couldn’t. But at the same time…

“So you think I can like what you do and hate you. Is that what you want?” he asked, curious despite himself.

Dominic quirked an eyebrow. “I accept that you hate me, and I am unlikely to ever see that change given what I have done to you. I nurtured it, after all, and nurtured it well. Do I think that has to stop you from enjoying what I do? What we do? No, I don’t.”

“Oh,” Onyx said, his voice unsteady.

He didn’t know what to make of any of this; neither his thoughts nor Dominic’s words made sense to him.

“But it does not matter what I think,” Dominic continued. “It matters what you think. And you think that you cannot, so you fight against it and feel humiliation, shame, because you do enjoy it. And so we will return to this point of conflict each time.” He gave Onyx a level stare. “I may enjoy your fight, my tiger, but I do not enjoy this fight.”

Onyx fidgeted beneath Dominic’s gaze. He didn’t enjoy this fight either, but he liked the shame and humiliation even less. “I don’t know if things can change,” he mumbled, his voice subdued.

“Use it,” Dominic said shortly. “Instead of letting it use you. Accept both things to be true and use the dichotomy to power yourself. You want to hate me? Hate me. You can hate me and writhe in pleasure under my hands. You can use that instead of letting it use you.”

“I don’t know how!” Onyx snapped, getting up from the chair as agitation raged through him. “You keep thinking I’m some worthy adversary who knows all these things, who can do all these things, but I’m not!”

He was just a scared kid at the end of the day.

Dominic turned his chair so that he was facing away from his desk, watching Onyx as he backed away. “Do you hate me?” he asked. “Do you want to hurt me?”

Onyx closed his eyes. “Of course I hate you." Despite the words, there was no real venom in his voice. “You’re a fucking psychopath. The things you did…”

But he’d still tried to befriend Shane despite all the times the wolf had hurt him, and those things had also been at Dominic’s behest. It should’ve made it easier to hate him because not only had Dominic tortured him, he’d allowed another to do it, too.

“Most of the time,” he said almost inaudibly. “But sometimes… sometimes I’m just confused.”

Dominic nodded. “Use me,” he instructed. “Claim your pleasure, own it. You want to stop feeling shame? Use me.”