Page 29 of D’Vaughn and Kris Plan a Wedding

“Good morning, saints. Usually we start the service off with something upbeat to get your hearts pumping and ready to receive the word, but this morning God is telling me to go a different route. I hope y’all don’t mind if we let Him move on this day that He has made.” D’Niesha began to hum a soulful melody as she waited for the musicians to join in.

My breath hitched and I dropped my head, closing my eyes as I faced my lap.

How was it possible that I hurt this much when she hadn’t said one word to me? Wasn’t her silence better than condemnation?

“You alright?”

Squeezing my eyes tighter, I shook my head. I was a lot of things in that moment, but alright wasn’t one of them. Kris ducked her head, speaking directly into my ear.

“Remember that you’re not alone right now. I’m here with you. What do you need from me?”

I couldn’t answer that. I didn’t know how to verbalize it, and even if I did, I felt like if I parted my lips, then those fissures would bust wide open and I’d shatter into a million pieces. I hadn’t even officially come out, had only showed up to church with a woman on my arm, and my mama—the one woman on the planet who I loved even more than myself—had rejected me. No, she hadn’t said anything, but her polite avoidance of my gaze, refusal to acknowledge Kris, and above all, the fact that she didn’t even touch me said enough.

She wouldn’t even look at me.

A sob burst out of my throat and I shook my head. On top of everything, the show was over before it’d even begun. There was no way I’d be able to convince anyone I was marrying a relative stranger if they couldn’t first accept me for who I was. I owed Kris a massive apology. She was losing out on the ability to win one hundred thousand dollars simply because I hadn’t been brave enough to come out to my family when I first realized that it was the cheerleaders and not the football players that stole my attention under the Friday night lights.

The music surged in volume as D’Niesha tilted her head back and sang to the rafters about God not putting more on her than she could bear despite everything she’d been through. It was a song that I’d always loved, but felt especially poignant at that moment. Chills wracked me, and my skin pebbled as if the a/c had been cut on. As Kris rubbed my back, an usher entered our row from the middle aisle and pressed several tissues into my hand. I blew my nose, but couldn’t stop the onslaught of tears. I wanted my mama and she wouldn’t even look at me. The doom and gloom returned with a vengeance, and I began to wonder how I was supposed to go on with things the way that they were. My mama was such a big part of my life, but if all she saw when she looked at me was a sinner, nothing of our relationship would be the same.

Kris’s hand fell from my back at the same time that I lost the warmth of her thigh pressed against mine. Before I could reach for her and beg her to stay with me, I was enveloped into a familiar embrace and bombarded with the ever-present scent of Red Door that my mama had been wearing since before I was even born. Immediately, I wrapped my arms around her waist and buried my face into her shoulder.

“My baby,” she spoke directly into my ear. “Release it. Holding on is bringing you so much pain. Let it go, baby.”

Her words were a balm, flipping a switch that released a shudder that took over my body. I bawled. Began full-on sobbing into the shoulder pads of my mama’s sensible church suit.

“I—I don’t wh—want you to ha—hate me!” I blubbered.

Mama rocked me back and forth, rubbing my back in soothing circles as she clicked her tongue in my ear. “Hush! You are my greatest blessing, D’Vaughn. I had no idea who I was until I was staring down at your wrinkled face.”

I sucked in a breath. “Even if I’m gay?” I whispered, almost praying she didn’t hear me.

She squeezed me tighter and I felt the brim of her hat brush my hair as she shook her head. Leaning back, she cupped my face, staring at me intently.

“God makes no mistakes,” she said firmly. “You’ve always been this way and my love for you has never wavered, so why on earth would things change now?”

I gasped and a fresh wave of sobs wracked my body. Hearing those words come out of her mouth were even more shocking than learning I’d been selected as a contestant on Instant I Do. Question after question flitted across my mind begging to be voiced, demanding to be answered, but I batted them back. Soon, but not now.

Now I would bask in the comfort of my mother’s arms. I would let her love that first seemed stripped from me wash away the hurt as much as possible. I would sit through the service, and then, before the day came to an end, I would make sure there was a clear understanding between the two of us.

Jitter Cam 03-D’Vaughn

Oh, wow. It’s interview style this time? Lucky me.

No, no. You’re right. I wouldn’t exactly say that I’d enjoyed the privacy, but answering questions about what happened in there is really the least I can do. I just—I have to warn you that I’m...well. I’m having a hard time right now. I don’t even know what to say. I don’t even know how I feel.

No. That’s a lie. I’m so damn angry right now.

I’m thirty years old and just came out to my mama during Sunday service, but instead of her being shocked, she told me that she... She said she—she’s always known.

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to start crying. I thought I’d left all my tears in the sanctuary.

Yeah, it hurts. I’ve struggled with this for twenty years. TWENTY YEARS! I was a ba—baby, just trying to figure out who I was. I thought I was alone.

Since I was ten years old, I lived with the fear that my mama would turn me away if she ever found out. I was stressed out of my mind. I’ve ruined every relationship I’ve ever been in because I was afraid to introduce anyone as my girlfriend.

What did you say? Am I relieved that it’s out in the open now? You know what? I thought the answer would have been yes, and maybe it could be if I wasn’t so angry. Like...maybe when I can sit with this and calm down some, I’ll be relieved. Right now though? All I feel is regret for what could’ve been. What kind of life might I have lived if she’d said something? Could I have been happily married now?

That’s all I’m thinking about.