Page 81 of Manors & Mischief

“Devon…”

“Mom.”

She huffs, but then the look on her face softens. She picks at imaginary lint on her pencil skirt, ever dressed for a press conference or to give a speech on how amazing Harvest Falls is. “Ember looked awfully upset leaving the hospital.”

I peer at the arm of the chair, willing myself not to feel the darkness that creeps in. “She’ll get over it.”

“What did you do, Honey?”

“What makes you think I did anything?” I counter.

She gives me a look that says she brought me up and knows me inside and out and backward. “Because what I saw was a woman who would stand by you no matter what. I saw a woman who cared about you so deeply that she dropped everything she was doing—even the manor—to come see how you were. Then she left crying.”

I swallow, my insides tightening like a vise. Mom always knows what to tug at to get me to open up. “She’s better off without me.”

“Oh, pish posh. That’s some self-righteous nonsense right there.”

“Well, no one has ever accused me of being a good person.”

“Devon…”

I don’t know what to say to her, so I don’t answer. Does it kill me that I said that to Ember earlier? Yes. Yes, it freaking does. But just like my teammates who were waiting for me to come back, I’ll leave Ember high and dry.

What if I’m never the same physically? I already had issues with my leg after the first injury. Felt it sometimes, causing me to limp or ache when the rainstorms hit. Say I can’t help Ember at all after this, what then? I’ll just being another burden she has to take care of.

Nothing ever works out for me. I don’t know why I expected any different this time around.

Having hope is the worst part. It’s because it feels so good you let it take over your whole body. You start to believe in it. It becomes an infestation of positivity. Then when it gets stampeded over, it dies like a fast-moving cancer. Hope is replaced with ugly cells. Cells that decay and blow away in the wind until you’re just an empty carcass.

It took me a long time to come out of the self-pity last time. This time, it’ll be even worse.

“You know, I always tried to do right by you.”

I peer up at her as she rubs her now pink eyes. “It’s not your fault any of this happened.”

“Just let me get this out,” she says, holding up a hand in the form of a stop sign. She’s in mayoral mode now. She pulls her blazer together and gives herself a little shake. “You’ve had it worse than some, that I know. I’ve watched you climb and claw your way to success only to have it taken away from you. I’ve watched you in the dark times while you were trying to come to terms with your new normal. I’ve felt it right alongside you, Devon, because I’m your mother, and it doesn’t matter how old you are, you’ll always be my boy. There were days I’d cry myself to sleep, wondering how you were going to get through the next day. The day you knew you couldn’t play hockey anymore, I rallied for you, and then went home and sobbed. I feel like doing that again today because Ember is even more important than hockey, and you’re pushing her away. Hockey couldn’t love you back. Hockey couldn’t take care of you. Hockey doesn’t love unconditionally, but if you pick your person right, they can. They can do all that and more.”

I watch my mom get emotional as if I’m a bystander. A lookie loo, someone who is completely separated from what’s going on. A defense mechanism, I guess.

“I thought I’d picked my person correctly, and it was a blow when I hadn’t. What he did to me. What he did to you.”

“If you’re trying to get me to apologize to Ember, I don’t think this is having the impact you want it to have.”

“Gosh, you are stubborn. What I’m trying to say is that I had a moment like this, what you’re going through, when your dad left. I thought everything was over. I had the worst case of feeling unlovable and worthless, but Devon, I’m on the other side now. Look how we thrived. Look how I thrived. I was a single mother, working hard for us every day, and now I’m the mayor. I look at myself in the mirror, and I’m so proud. I’m even a little grateful that Gerald left because look what happened to our lives. Setbacks don’t always mean ruination. It could just be setting yourself up for something different. Better, even.”

“But twice, Mom? Twice seems like a bad omen. Like someone is trying to tell me to stay in my place. I’m just not meant to have what I want. I’m accepting that now.”

“Well, that’s just nonsense, and you know it.”

“I don’t, though,” I say, raising my voice a little. “I appreciate you trying to pull me out of this, whatever it is, but I’m doing what I think is best. Ember has a good life ahead of her. She’s going to be absolutely fine. She is⁠—.”

“Perfect. Humble. Smart. Beautiful.”

I grind my teeth together. “Which is why she’ll be fine.”

“Well, good, I’m glad we can agree on all her attributes. I’m looking forward to seeing your reaction when she starts dating someone else.”

I clench the sides of the chair, but I make myself relax. The reaction is normal. It’s fresh. I still have feelings for her, but over time, I’ll be fine. I can just look at her as someone who deserves the best in the world. “I’ll be happy for them.”