Page 31 of Mountain Men’s Nanny

“Gunner?” I asked, shaking in the parts she couldn’t see.

Brie walked around me, setting out her ingredients on the kitchen island without a care in the world. She looked relaxed, satisfied, and it pissed me off.

“What about him?” she asked casually.

She was deliberately stoking the fires of my anger. She didn’t care about me, or anyone. The only thing that seemed to matter to her was her insatiable sexual appetite.

“You fucked him.” I scanned the room for signs of Lexi, but we were in the clear.

Brie shrugged her shoulders casually. “Yes. I did.”

She might as well have punched me in the gut. If I had tried to move, I would have staggered. So I stood there, still and sturdy, supported by the cold, hard granite of the countertop. I had expected a lie, or at least for her to struggle with the gravity of what she had done, but she didn’t. She said it casually, as if she were admitting to drinking the last of the milk.

“And you aren’t even a little ashamed of how you’ve hopped from one man to another since you came here? Without a word of it to me.” I was exasperated.

My anger hit a solid wall with her. She refused to budge. The cabin was quiet; only the wind whirred outside, pushing against the windows. I wanted to explode and bring the entire cabin down around us.

She sighed and stood with her back against the island, close enough for me to touch her if I wanted to. I hated that with all of this, I still wanted to. God dammit, I wanted to touch her.

“No. I’m not ashamed, Tobias. I have nothing to be ashamed of,” she said, looking me square in the eye.

“Are you ashamed of what we did? You asked me not to tell anyone, and you wouldn’t even talk to me about it. It meant nothing to you. Is it because you’re ashamed?”

Brie refused to defend herself. Instead, she attacked me. I had stolen out of her room like a thief in the night. We hadn’t spoken about it. I didn’t think there was a need, but maybe if we had, I wouldn’t be in this position. She was just doing what I had done, only she had the balls to own it.

“Well, I’m not ashamed of that either. We both needed it. A release, some pleasure. In a way, it was a kindness for both of us,” she said, summing up our encounter.

Her eyes were bright and open. It was the beginning of an honest conversation, the first we’d ever had, and it was under these strange and strained circumstances.

“I don’t belong to anyone but myself, and for the first time in my life I’m living like I know it.” Her voice was calm and measured. She had thought about this answer. She’d had this conversation with herself before she had it with me.

“Why should I be ashamed of wanting what I want and actually having the guts to get it? I’ve lived my life constantly worrying about what people would think of me.” She shook her head, dismissing the memory. “I finally feel like I’m actually living.”

A mix of emotions rushed through me. I was angry at myself for feeling something for her, for any woman, when I had already decided not to. I was angry at Brie because she wasn’t what or who I had imagined she’d be. She wasn’t mine. And I still felt tenderness toward her. The thought of Gunner and Gideon touching her couldn’t erase the hurt. I felt a crushing pain in my chest.

“What about Lexi?” I asked desperately. It was a low blow, and I knew it even before I’d said it. Brie’s actions didn’t change how she felt about Lexi, not even when she slept with me.

My daughter had grown to love her so quickly. She wanted to show off everything they had done together. Brie taught her how to make her bed; nothing ever tasted as good as Brie’s cooking. In a matter of weeks, Brie had become the chief point of Lexi’s world. Taking that away from my little girl was unconscionable. Taking the nanny away from any of us would hurt more than sharing her.

“This has nothing to do with Lexi,” Brie snapped angrily. “She’s a smart, beautiful little girl, and I love spending time with her. But her nanny isn’t all I am.”

I couldn’t deny that she loved Lexi. She was patient and kind to her, she swallowed down her fears of the animals outside, the possibly poisonous mushrooms, and poured so much into tutoring her. She went beyond my expectations of her when it came to caring for my daughter.

“Look, if you want me to leave, I can accept that. This is your home, you’re still the boss, but I refuse to be controlled by other people’s opinions anymore. I’m not hurting anyone,” Brie said.

She was right in many ways, but wrong about one thing: this was her home now, too. No one wore their work boots into the living room anymore; none of us dared to eat food straight out of the can no matter how rushed we were… and it hurt. Even though what she said made sense, I struggled to accept that the only way I would have her was to turn a blind eye to Gideon and Gunner having her too. Everything I had known about love and relationships said sharing was wrong. It was cheating, unfaithful. But no one was watching. No one was judging. Except me.

I couldn’t bring myself to say the words. Hell, I didn’t know what the words even were. I understood what she was saying; she wanted to be free and never agreed to any type of exclusivity. This had nothing to do with her work with Lexi and I had no right to be angry. Still, I was, and even worse, I still wanted her.

“I… I just thought it would be different,” I said weakly.

“Me too.”

And when our eyes met, it was with a silent understanding. One that didn’t need further back and forth on the topic.

I helped Brie make dinner quietly. We didn’t speak beyond her asking me to pass her the ladle, and me asking her which of the spices was the stock.

The kitchen grew warm with the smell of butternut soup bubbling on the stove, and slowly I started to feel more settled, resigned to what was, instead of what I had secretly hoped would be.