Page 23 of The Amber Sunburst

The nighttime sparring was Zeno’s idea. It’s the only way either of them could think of for Eudoxia to put off bathing until night, when the showers are empty. Most people shower after training—anywhere from midday to afternoon depending on their schedule—but the showers are open and mixed-gender.

And, sure, she’s scrawny enough to pass for a boy, but if anyone even glanced at her without the loose Auxiliary uniform on, it would be clear she’s Xia, not Xos.

It is complicated, like most of the things she does to keep up the ruse, but it’s better than being pregnant for more than half her time as an Auxiliary. Because the imbalance of men to women is so extreme, and because almost all Auxiliaries must be children of the Leadership Classes, it’s not uncommon for a girl to bear upwards of ten children before she’s freed upon becoming a Guardian.

It’s horrible that they use women in such a mercenary way—at least, Eudoxia thinks so—especially since they claim that all Auxiliaries are equal. But it doesn’t matter what she thinks. The Ideal State, the second doctrine of Plato, explains that the Leadership Classes should be almost entirely male. And no one in the Republic has the balls to challenge Plato’s writings—to do that would be to challenge the Forms themselves.

But no matter how justified they claim the system is, Eudoxia won’t be a victim of it. The baby isn’t even the problem for her—babies are taken at birth to be put in training. It’s the pregnancy she can’t afford.

Eudoxia looks down at her pruny fingers. She’s been in here for longer than she thought.

She turns off the water, towels herself dry, then pulls on a clean set of clothes to rush back to her room. Her heart warms at the box in front of her door, despite it being there every day after they train.

The girls who serve meals are obsessed with Zeno, which totally doesn’t make her jealous at all because why would it, that would be dumb…

Where was she? Oh, right. They love him, so when he asks for an extra meal to be packed up and dropped at his room they do it without question. Then he leaves it at Eudoxia’s door without fail.

When she enters her room she scoops up the food on her way. The moon is bright over the water, reflecting back its light and illuminating Arete’s little face as she reads one of Eudoxia’s textbooks for the hundredth time. Eudoxia wishes she could give her sister something better. Big stuffed animals, kids’ books, candy, and a huge yard for her to play in. But she can’t.

“Hi, Arete,” she murmurs. Arete looks up at her from the book and smiles, innocent and loving. Thank the Forms that her tantrum from this morning is over.

“Xia! Did you know that this book has pictures in the back? I never even noticed before. Come look, you’ll like them.”

“Alright,” Eudoxia says as she crosses the room, placing Arete’s dinner onto her desk and pulling a hair tie off her wrist to put Arete’s wild curls into a bun. The pictures in question are maps of the Republic and diagrams of the various technologies that have been developed since its founding.

Only Arete could find joy in something so mundane.

“That’s cool,” she responds, unable to keep the guilt out of her voice.

She feels guilty for that as well—the guilt itself.

Arete sighs, a tiny, adorable thing.

“Is Zeno not stopping by?”

Eudoxia cringes. Arete loves Zeno. More than her, Eudoxia is quite sure.

During her first few days at the Academy, Arete hid under her bed. Kleitos, her former roommate, would have absolutely reported Arete the second he laid eyes on her. Forms, Eudoxia hates him.

Once she broke down to Zeno and told him the truth, he insisted Arete stay with him. So for six months, before Eudoxia could earn her own room, Arete had the time of her life with Zeno every day.

Eudoxia doesn’t know how to act the way he does with Arete. She’s been the parent for too long to try being the sibling.

“No, he’s got a meeting,” Eudoxia apologizes, and Arete jumps off the bed with a huff. She sits on the floor with her dinner and stares at Eudoxia in a silent demand that she join. Eudoxia can’t help a little frown as she does.

Zeno would be making conversation. Playing games. Having fun.

She just sits there. Makes Arete tuck the napkin into her shirt. Reflects on her own inadequacy. Maybe Arete notices—she’s always been observant—because she taps Eudoxia on the knee and whispers, “I love you, Xia.”

Eudoxia pushes some hair out of Arete’s face. “I love you too. So much. Too much.” Arete giggles around her fork in response.

Once she’s done with her food, Eudoxia washes off the container in the bathroom down the hall—filled with only sinks, one toilet, and an abundance of her least favorite inanimate object: the urinal—and leaves it at Zeno’s door. Then she hurries back to her room and falls into bed with Arete, who’s already snuggled up in the blankets.

“Ni ni, Xia.”

“Goodnight, little bird.”

Arete smiles at the nickname. It’s nothing more, to her, than a tradition with her sister. But Eudoxia remembers their mother’s soft voice in the dark as she kissed each of their foreheads. Goodnight, my three little birds, she would say. Then she would turn to their mama as she walked out of the kids’ room. Let’s sleep, my beautiful hen.