Page 53 of Dark Verse

I figured as much.

“The full novel or the too-long-didn’t-read CliffsNotes version?”

Ven shrugs, reaching into the fridge. She brings two water bottles over to the counter, placing them between us.

“Whatever you want to tell me.”

I consider her words.

I haven’t told anyone the full story of how I find myself at 37, single, only recently employed, living with my mother and treading water every day for nearly five years. Everyone important in my life lived it with me. Raven is the first person in as many years that I’m even remotely interested in knowing about that dark stretch of time for me.

“My dad died five years ago.”

“Oh…” Her eyes widen slightly. “I didn’t know. I’m—”

“Sorry. I know. And believe me, I do appreciate that.”

I sigh, looking down for a moment as the light refracts through the water bottles, creating illusions of movement across the countertop.

“He died at the beginning of the pandemic, before anyone even really knew how bad it was going to get. The Nightshades were just beginning a nationwide tour when I got the call from my mom that he was sick enough to go to the hospital. I didn’t really think much of it at the time, him going into the hospital. I figured he’d be there for some tests. An overnight observation at most. So we kept going with our tour. When his overnight stay turned into an admission, I still didn’t worry too much. Pa wasn’t the healthiest guy most of his life, and even though he’d made an effort to clean up his diet and move more, he still had some underlying health concerns. If anything, I thought his being in the hospital in that moment was a good thing. You know, have the doctors and nurses right there.

“But within days it all started to fall apart. The tour was suddenly canceled, and lockdown orders were being issued. We were stranded on the wrong side of the country until we could get flights back. And by the time we realized how bad he was and I got back home, hospitals weren’t allowing visitors anymore. He…he was on a breathing tube by then, so I couldn’t even talk to him. The nurse would have to hold his phone so he could type out his reply to us on his tablet.”

Pausing in my story, I take a deep breath, forcing my body to untense. It’s been a very long time since I thought about Pa’s last days and everything that followed.

“And then suddenly he wasn’t here, and my world shattered overnight. We couldn’t even have a real funeral because of the lockdowns. The funeral home was limited to close family, so it was me, my ma, and my aunt and uncle. No one else was allowed to be there. They all had to video conference in. We couldn’t say goodbye to him, with all the people who knew and loved him. We didn’t get to trade stories or share tears together. It felt unfair on a level I wasn’t prepared for.

“But of course it didn’t end there. He was gone, but the world was still on fire. Everyone I knew and loved was trapped in their own little bubbles, and Ma and I were trapped in ours. It was a really bad time for me. I started to spiral almost immediately. I tried to self-medicate my depression and anxiety away. Sex with anything with legs, drinking whole bottles of rum, smoking myself silly. Really anything that was reckless or ill-advised or let me forget how miserable I was for a few hours.”

I was lucky enough to have a great relationship with Pa my entire life. Even when we clashed, there was never love lost between us. We said I love you all the time. But the fact that I was never able to say a proper goodbye to him, that I never got to hear him say I love you one last time, still shreds my heart some days.

I’m not sure that wound will ever fully heal.

“It all came to an impasse when I got into a car accident. I didn’t injure anyone else, thank God. At the time of the accident, I was just under the legal limit, but that didn’t save me from legal action. That was my wake-up call. Not just the legal action, but the fact that I had been drinking and was on my way to get more when I crashed. A hefty fine, a suspended jail sentence, a halfway house for six months, and probation for nine. There were a few backslides, but I’ve been good about staying away from all of that for a while now.”

Ven pushes one of the water bottles towards me, and I reach out to take it. Our fingers brush briefly. For a moment, neither of us moves to pull away, the electric pulse trading between us.

“Boring it is,” she says softly.

“Thanks,” I say, opening the top and taking a deep drink, feeling parched after speaking.

She does the same.

We stand there in the quiet, drinking our water. I’m hyperaware of the city still humming faintly beyond the window. Raven gestures towards the couch, and we make our way towards it together.

“Thanks again for tonight,” she says, tone still soft. “It’s been too long since I’ve taken a night off or done anything approaching fun outside of a pre-planned work event.”

“It was my pleasure, truly,” I say, and it was.

The whole multi-story exhibit was exciting in ways I never would have been prepared for, least of all getting to spend it with Raven. Tonight was another glimpse behind the no-nonsense manager’s mask she always wears. Within twenty minutes of walking around, she was bouncing from display to display, her eyes lighting up from the immersive experience. Now more than ever, I’m even more determined to get her to take that mask off completely.

Ensuring the cap is on tightly before placing my water on the floor, I move closer to her so there is only a foot between us.

“This is a bad idea,” she says.

“Oh?” I reach out and play with one of her pink braids, never looking away from her dark eyes. They remind me of lamplights, darker around the edges but fully golden in the center.

“We work together. Everything could get so messy if this doesn’t work.”