Page 188 of Wait for Him

"I do." It comes out as a croak, so I clear my throat and try again. "You can ask me, James."

He holds my gaze for a long moment. His eyes are wet now too, and he looks away while he wipes at them, trying to be discreet about it.

I pretend not to notice because I'm his mother and I've been on the job for approximately four seconds, but I already know better than to embarrass him.

"Are you..." He stops and clears his throat. "Are you my biological mother?"

There is the question I've dreaded for fifteen years, and when it finally comes, the answer doesn't hurt nearly as much as I thought it would.

"Yes. I am."

And God, I'm so damn proud to say it.

James nods slowly. He takes that in, his eyes dropping to the table for a few seconds before he looks back at me.

"He hurt you, I assume?" His voice is quieter now. "My biological father?"

Now that one I wasn't prepared for, and my answer is a soft sob I catch behind my hand.

"I'm sorry." I press my napkin to my face and take a second to get myself together, because bursting into tears every three minutes is not how I pictured this conversation going.

"It's okay. I'm sorry I upset you." He hangs his head and shakes it.

I reach across the table and take his hand. "You didn't. I'm just overwhelmed. I came here tonight to tell you, to finally introduce myself, and you're so smart, James. So fucking smart you beat me to my own confession." I squeeze his fingers and make myself give him the truth he asked for. "Yes. Your biological father raped me. And I would go through it a million times over to know you. I hope you understand that. There has never been a single day of your life when I wished you didn't exist. I've had so much joy just watching you all these years."

His eyes well up again and his bottom lip starts to tremble, and if I didn't feel like a mother before, I sure as hell do now. I'm out of my chair before a single thought can put a stop to it, pulling him into my arms. He stays seated but wraps his arms tightly around my waist, and I bury my face in his hair and hold him.

His hair. My hair.

Fuck.

"Do I remind you of him?" His voice is small against me. "Is that why you couldn't keep me?"

"I was afraid you might one day," I tell him, because he deserves the ugly parts too. "And I couldn't bear the thought of ever looking at you with anything but love."

I pull a chair around so I can sit beside him instead of having this conversation across a fucking table, keeping one of his hands between both of mine.

"But that wasn't the only reason, James. My parents died that same night. I was drowning. I wasn't in any condition to raise anyone, not even myself. I had your uncle Michael to take care of, and I was barely managing that. So I went to your mom and dad and asked them to love you no differently than I would. To raise you no differently than if they'd made you themselves." I take a breath and rub my thumb over his knuckles. "I named you after my father. And yours."

That does it.

He sobs, and I pull him back into my arms while my own tears start all over again. We're drawing stares from half the restaurant now, and I could not give less of a fuck. They can eat their wagyu and mind their business. I've waited fifteen years to hold my son like this.

"You've watched me?" he asks after a few quiet minutes.

"All your life. Your kindergarten graduation and your middle school one. Your first dance. Your first haircut." I reach up and finally do the thing I've wanted to do since the moment I laid eyes on him tonight, brushing a rogue curl off his forehead. "You look like me."

"Yeah. I know." He laughs through his tears. "You're so pretty, and I get called pretty boy at school."

I laugh. "Well, there are worse crosses to bear."

"When I started wondering if you might be my birth mom, I went down a whole rabbit hole. I got your name off your credit card receipt, and then I did so much research on you I should probably be on an FBI watchlist or something."

"My credit card receipt?"

"Yeah."

"Jesus, James. Remind me never to commit a crime around you."