Page 90 of Scoring Eden

His head hangs low between his shoulders. “No, I get it.”

“Get what? That it was really shitty what you did? That it’s exactly the kind of thing my ex-husband used to put me through?”

His head snaps up. “I am nothing like that man.”

“Really?” I release a sad laugh. “Because from where I’m sitting, you pulled exactly the same shit that he did. You got what you wanted and then you disappeared on me, Alex. For days. You didn’t give me a heads up, didn’t let me know when you’d be coming back. You just expected me to be here, waiting for you, in this cold, empty fucking apartment that feels the furthest thing from home. Worst of all, you did it to Macon. He’s grown really attached to you, and he doesn’t understand why you didn’t say goodbye before going to your ‘training camp.’” I put the last words in air quotes to really drive the point home.

I think that’s why it’s affected me so much. How much his disappearing act has confused and upset Macon. How I had to lie to him again in an attempt to soften the blow and cover for yet another man’s shitty behavior. And how it took me right back to being eighteen with a newborn, scared and alone, as I waited to see if Sebastian would finally walk back through the door.

“Fuck.” Alex grabs a fistful of his hair. “It wasn’t like that. I swear, it wasn’t like that.”

“Then what was it like, Alex? Because you keep saying words, but you’re not actually telling me anything.”

“I got scared, okay?” he bellows, his voice thundering with anger and frustration. It isn’t aimed at me, though, but himself. His shoulders drop, his head falling heavy between his shoulders once more. “I got scared.”

“Of what? Me?”

“Sort of, yeah.” He nods, no longer able to look me in the eye. “Scared of what I was feeling for you, anyway.”

“What, um…” I swallow. “What were those feelings?”

“I don’t know.” His hands tremble in his lap. “Like a warmth, where my heart is. And happiness, I guess. What happened in the laundry room, you know, with us… I’ve never experienced anything like that with someone else. It was really intense, and when it was done, you gave me this cute little smile, and it felt like my heart stopped.”

Color me confused.

“And that made you freak out?”

He nods again. “Yeah.”

“Why?”

“Because I haven’t been that happy in a long time.”

“And that’s a bad thing, because…”

A solitary tear slips loose from his eye and rolls down his face. “Because the happier you are, the harder it hurts when it’s taken away.”

He looks so helpless right now, so dejected and miserable, even his hair limps sadly around his shoulders. I can’t believe that with all the rage and hurt I was feeling just moments ago, this man has managed to incite sympathy in me. Part of me wants to crawl up the bed and hold him until he stops looking like his entire world has ended. The rest of me, though, wants to cling to what little anger I have left. Because I refuse to go back to being the woman who forgave Sebastian again and again, hoping that next time things would be different. That tomorrow, he might choose to cherish my heart instead of crushing it.

“That seems like a pretty unhealthy outlook to have on life.”

“Maybe.” He sniffs and dries his nose with the back of his hand. “But it hasn’t failed me yet.”

“Is this why you’re not interested in relationships?”

“Yeah.” He dips his chin, raising glassy, despondent eyes to mine. “I just… I can’t. I can’t do it. And I’m so sorry, because it’s shitty of me to do what I did with you and then tell you that nothing more can ever happen between us, but it just can’t.”

My stupid, stupid heart plummets into my stomach. I know he doesn’t do relationships. He’s been clear about that all along. But it didn’t stop me from hoping that he might change his mind one day, especially after the things he said right before he kissed me like I was everything he’s ever wanted in life.

Guess I’m still that eighteen-year-old girl, hoping for things that won’t ever be meant for her after all.

“I didn’t ask you for a relationship,” I say, praying the disappointment swirling inside of me doesn’t make it into my voice. “I didn’t expect anything of you except a little fucking decency.”

“I know.” He chews on his lip. “But in that moment, I think it was me who wanted more, and it terrified me.”

“And what about now?”

“I’ve cooled down a bit, got a bit of perspective back, I guess.” He looks down at my legs that are hidden beneath the comforter and tentatively curls a hand around my ankle.