Page 82 of Knot Broken

“But…” she said.

“But that’s not what I want.” I moved my legs into a cross-legged position, feeling the warmth of the concrete through my sweats. “Whether or not I decide to bond with the guys…” I felt that feeling inside me I now knew was my wolf making her presence known. She was shifting back and forth in response to that idea, but I wasn’t sure whether she approved or not. “This has made me aware that there’s a whole other part of me I was unaware of. I think…” In my mind’s eye, I saw the white wolf with brown eyes. “I think I want to meet my wolf.”

“Me too.” Helena’s words came out in a rush. “I wasn’t going to pressure you or anything, but dude, you can turn into a wolf. Like how freaking cool is that? If you’d worked that out in high school, you could’ve bitten Sharon Henderson and her cronies on the butt and they never would’ve messed with us. I guess now you can like growl and partially wolf out when we’re in a bar and some douche won’t take no for an answer.”

“I promise to become your personal attack dog once…” There it was again, that flicker of painful memories. It was like hearing a scream coming from a far off room. “Once I work out how the hell to complete a shift.”

“Alright, you’re doing this for you,” Helena said. “And me, obviously. I promise to give wolf Nadia unlimited belly scratches and dog bones.” That little bark of laughter that escaped me felt good. “Now, about those mates of yours.” My smile faded as quickly as it formed. “What do you want to do about them? Because Nads, you’ve put up with some shit in the past, and⁠—”

“I’m not doing that again.” Maybe I was changing, because there was a confidence to my tone I’d rarely heard before. “My therapist helped me realise that I needed to work out what I wanted and then choose to be with people that want the same thing.”

“So what do you want from these guys?”

Helena was good for a laugh, but she knew how to shift gears, her voice growing softer.

“I…”

Why the hell did it feel so hard to say out loud? Perhaps because it felt like I was born under a smothering blanket of silence. No one raised their voices, was cruel or horrible to each other in my family, but at the same time, no one actually said what they wanted. Mum and me, we tried to anticipate everything Dad wanted and were forced to watch him closely for the signs we’d got it right. My throat worked, feeling suddenly tight.

“I want to feel like I can trust them,” I said finally. “To know they’ve got my back when I’m completely incapacitated. I need…” If Crowe Corp wanted to keep tabs on my mental health, they should’ve paid Helena to play the role of therapist, not Kayla, because it was now that I allowed myself to say it. “I need for someone else to take charge for once. To work out what needs to be done without my input and then do it. Why the hell do I have to be the one to work out how to get through my first shift? They’re….” A lump was forming in my throat, but I cleared it and then forged on. “They’re my alphas. I need them to work together and act like it.”

“Then that’s what you’re gonna get. Either these alphas step up, or we’ll find you a nice new lot.”

We talked for a while longer, Helena filling me in on the latest office politics. Apparently Christian had pumped her for information about me and my so-called mates, leading her to agree he was just another good-looking dick. As the sun started to drop lower in the sky, we finally ran out of things to say.

“I better get inside,” I said with a shiver. “It’s getting cold and kinda windy up on the roof.”

“Keep me posted,” she said. “One way or the other, because I’m invested in this story and it saves me from paying all that money to those pay by the chapter apps about those wolf shifter princesses with the secret babies.”

With a roll of my eyes, I said my goodbyes, then headed for the fire door. Running down the stairs, moving towards the elevator, I felt a familiar pang of regret. It was the same feeling I experienced every time I pushed back against my parents’ bullshit. The need to apologise for making a fuss, to defuse the tension rose, but rather than take over, I felt something inside me. With a blink, I visualised the wolf peeling her lips back from her fangs, growling silently at that idea.

Well, OK, then.

Seems like we weren’t going to just roll over and show our belly to the guys.

I put that theory to the test when my hand came to rest on the door to our suite. For a moment, I just felt the cool, smooth metal handle, then as I got ready to punch in the code with my free hand, the door was pulled open.

“Oh.” Grey’s eyes went wide as he took me in. “Hey.”

“Hey.”

A small tilt of my head and I moved past him, heading for my room, desperate for a sweater. Goosebumps had formed up and down my arms, forcing me to shiver. As I pulled a thick hoodie over my head, the sound of footsteps made clear they knew I’d returned. Sure enough, when my head popped through the hood, all three men were standing there.

“Omega—” Tex started to say, taking a step forward, but I held out a hand to stop him.

“I’m not great at talking about how I feel,” I told them. “My first instinct is to get my shit and ask to be assigned to a new room, on my own.” His face fell and some part of me wanted to rush in and save him from that feeling, but that wasn’t my job right now. “Then I realised that’s just me going along with the bullshit I was taught growing up.”

Grey’s eyes were silver, and by the tension his body was carrying, it was taking everything he had to stay in the room. Ethan’s slow nod and small smile of approval helped me keep going.

“I just went through something really fucking hard, and none of you were there for me. Not in the way I needed.” His smile faded. “Grey, you bailed.” I noted the way the alpha’s hands formed fists, feeling a flare of fear for a second, right before I realised his claws were embedded in his own palms, not preparing to strike out at me. “You left me alone to deal with something I have no idea how to get through. Tex, the can-do attitude is great, if you’ve gotta have something to back it up with. I’m pretty sure…” I frowned as I saw those fragments of memory again. “We’re not going to get through this on vibes alone. And Ethan.”

“I know.” He had the good grace to look guilty. “I should’ve told you the minute my feelings changed. I… I didn’t want to be the guy who walked away, only to go ‘hey, I’m back. Missed me?’” His eyes met mine. “Wanted to try and prove myself first.”

“Let’s not do that,” I said. “Let’s not keep secrets and expect our actions to speak for themselves. Let’s use our fucking words, just like I’m going to right now. This is the scariest thing I’ve ever been through, and I don’t think…”

My breath was coming faster and faster and as I looked down, I saw white fur form on my forearms. Was the wolf ready to come out? Just let me get this out, I argued with her, almost able to see her staring back at me.

“I don’t think I can get through this on my own. Either have my back one hundred percent of the time or get the fuck out.”