Page 75 of The Divine Lies We Weave

Leela curled up into a ball on the ground and put her hands over her ears. She rocked, back and forth, back and forth, trying to quiet the voices. Still, things slowly slipped out of control—her mind and her emotions, slow at first, then baaang. She had no way to rein them in. All because her hormones were messed up. All because her body couldn’t control the chemicals in her brain.

What is wrong, mortal?

I can’t talk. Please… just leave me… this will take a while.

What will take a while?

The feelings. The darkness. It disappears eventually, but I don’t need you here. Not now.

Leela stayed cooped up in her room for most of the day. Eventually, she made her way to her bed and lay under the covers. It was better to not let others see her. Why would she subject her horrible mood to innocent bystanders?

It would only make her feel more worthless and tainted.

Shittier than she wanted.

So Leela stayed cooped up for days, hiding away from those she could hurt, only sneaking out to get food when the others were asleep. She was already hurting in body and mind. Her thoughts were jumbled, like sticky mud, and she wasn’t able to pull them apart or even get rid of the gnawing voice. The voice that drew on her darkest imperfections and made her think she was worthless.

It was the pain of knowing she was useless when the emotions came. When her mother would evade her. When her mother would say it was all in her head and her thoughts weren’t true—that they were dangerous lies filling her with poison. In a way, she was right. But the dismissive attitude pushed Leela to the point where she believed nothing was wrong with her. It was the worst feeling—having her brain playing against her and controlling her. Not knowing how to stop it other than letting the time pass.

All Leela could do was curl into a ball and cry.

For days.

And days…

Trapped inside her head like a curse. It was very lonely dealing with it this way. But deal with it she must. Because it always passed. It did. And she told herself the thoughts were lies, and they never had weight.

But how could she think of them that way when the thoughts were disguised as her own voice?

No one can stand you.

Don’t you hate it here…?

Maybe it would be best to be trapped in here forever.

She waited for her menses to come, and finally, her mind eased like a shadow was lifted. She broke free of the sticky mess holding her in its claws and filter the poison. Her emotions leveled out, her mind free from the dark clutches. Negative thoughts no longer plagued her. Yet her body still ached, her pelvis more than the rest. But the inflammation eventually subsided, and she was able to get out of bed without the thought of throwing herself off the side of the ship. She was able to peel back the layers of dread and wanted to associate with others again.

Leela looked at the ceiling, tears still brimming in her eyes, and chuckled. It was too ironic that for years, her body had been her biggest weakness, and now she had a Flame controlling her in more ways than the chemicals in her brain did.

Oh… the irony of the poisonous monster in her head, mimicking the poisonous thoughts too.

Leela clutched the ship’s edge and stared at the horizon on the fifth morning. The further they ventured, the warmer the air swirling over the dunes. Ripples of ridges and mountains spread before her in red shadows, aglow each morning underneath the pale moonslight before it disappeared. Every now and again, Leela was lucky enough to see the giant bones sticking out of the ground. Arched ribcages or smooth skulls with giant eyeholes staring back at her. Fingers split the sand as the dead Flames grasped the ground.

Most of the bones were stained red or buried below ground. But sometimes she would spot them in the distance. A constant reminder of what the Flames had lost to destroy the monsters.

“I haven’t seen you around,” Hema said. “I knocked on your door a few times, but you didn’t seem to be there. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Leela said, refusing to look at Hema. She didn’t want to talk to anyone about how her body worked. Most people didn’t believe her. Others just sat there and judged her, and that made her all the more panicked about it. It was one thing to have a hormonal condition. It was another to have to be in an unsupportive society when it occurred and have no escape.

“Are you sure? I’m happy to sit and listen,” Hema offered.

Leela gazed at the woman, the tiny black flecks in her eyes looking like constellations against the dark brown. She liked Hema. Leela might admit she was beautiful, and under different circumstances, she might have wondered if Hema would be interested in something more. But she didn’t have time to mess around with anyone, not when her head was a mess with Rajesh, the Viperess, and the Scorpion.

“Thanks.” Leela sighed and forced a smile. “But I’m okay. Really.”

“If you want to pick up where we left off, just let me know,” Hema said, nibbling on her bottom lip. “I wanted to be a teacher before I became a Vessel, you know. So I was really excited when Rajesh told me to personally train you.”

“You’re very welcome.”