Page 23 of Dreaming Without Heartache

“Good eye, kiddo. They look perfect.” I grab a tray of open buns and slide Maisie’s off first.

“Condiments are on the table over there.” Sam points. “Let me help you, sweetheart.” She hands over her stick before walking off. Kara and Olivia are next. The girls fix their plates first with chips and dip, fruit, and baked beans before heading back to the chairs around the fire.

“Not as good as last night,” Sam says, flashing me a smile, “but the company’s just as great.” She takes a bite of her hot dog, then walks over to the girls.

A weight lifts off my shoulders just by Sam being here. I think I needed this night as much as Kara and Maisie did.

“This is fun!” Maisie grins, ketchup at the corners of her mouth.

“Thanks for having me over,” Olivia says. “It’s been hard without my bestie.”

“Sam! Could you pretty please french braid my hair later?” Her big brown eyes are framed by her long blond hair falling over her shoulders. Every time I look at her, I see my sister. It’s a blessing, and a little bit of heartache. I’m grateful for the reminder.

“I’d love to.” Sam’s warm smile makes Maisie wiggle in her seat.

There’s my girl. My heart swells. Having kids was never what I wanted, but I’m starting to understand what Annie loved so much about it. It’s moments like this, when they’re happy, that you feel like you’re doing something right. A little piece of you will grow up in the world and hopefully make it a little better along the way. The fact that you had a hand in creating a good human feels pretty good. I just wish Annie’s dreams could have been lived out.

“Aunt Allie?” Maisie says, snapping me from my thoughts.

“Yes?” I draw out the word, earning a giggle from her.

“Can we do the s’mores now? I finished my hot dog.” She lifts her plate to prove it. She ate all of her fruit too.

“Whoa! That hot dog treated you right, huh?” I wink. Maisie nods. “Let’s wait until Kara and Olivia are done, okay?”

“Done,” Kara announces. The fact that she’s actually eating in my presence is astounding.

“Same.” Olivia brushes the crumbs from her hands.

“Well then, have at it. You know where everything is. Go grab it.”

Olivia glances at Sam. “Mom, may I?”

“Of course.” Sam gestures for them to go ahead.

The girls trot off to the kitchen, excitement buzzing in the air. S’mores have always been a favorite in this house. I sigh a breath of relief to be able to enjoy a moment with them. They’ve been few and far between lately.

“Olivia’s manners are on point. Can I send the girls home with you for a week?” I smile at Sam lightheartedly.

Sam chuckles, her cheeks tinting. “I’d take them in a heartbeat. You know you’re doing an amazing job, right? I wouldn’t lie to you. Annie had her share of tough times with Kara as well. She used to tell me that Kara reminded her of you—strong-willed, stubborn, but incredibly affectionate and thoughtful.”

“You remember all that.” I shake my head, picturing Annie saying those things. “That sounds like her.” I gave Annie a hard time on occasion because I was young and stupid and wanted a mother. But she stood her ground and was the best sister and role model that I could have asked for. She gave me everything even when she had nothing left to give. She sacrificed so much for me. I was lucky to have had her. I don’t know if I ever told her enough. That’s something I have to live with.

“She talked about you often.”

Those words settle deep. Annie was talkative, compassionate, and sensitive. Sam has a lot of those same qualities.

“Mom,” Olivia yells out across the yard. “Can we have another Sprite?”

Annie had been strict on how much soda they could have. When they stayed with me they could have whatever they liked and as much as they wanted. But now…I feel the responsibility to be the parent she’d want for them.

Sam looks at me. “What do you think? One more?” She shrugs in a way that lets me know it’s okay to say yes. I nod, giving her the go-ahead. “One more, baby. You girls come on out now. It’s getting late.”

“You make it seem so easy,” I admit. “I think some people are meant to be parents, like you and Annie, and then there’s me. I’m just hoping not to screw things up.”

“Allie,” Sam says disappointedly. “Don’t say that.”

“We’re ready for the s’mores making to begin.” Kara holds up marshmallows as she leads the way over to us. I look their way, though I feel Sam’s eyes on me.