Page 73 of Queen of Ruin

I can help Mindy.

Heading toward the door, I’m almost there when a man wanders past with a pack of smokes in hand. Frank, I think I heard his name was. He’s a member of Bradley’s security, from what I understand, and he flashes me a polite smile.

“Hey, Frank, is it?”

Frank stops and nods. “Diego?”

“Yeah, uhm… listen. I know this might sound kind of pathetic. I’m feeling all sorts of claustrophobic right now and I’ve been pacing the halls trying to ease it, but it ain’t working. I know there’s a door to the roof but uh…” I laugh awkwardly. “I’m afraid of heights and I think that would make me feel ten times worse. And before you ask, I did consider the meditation stuff, but I just need to be outside, to breathe. Is that something you can help me with without making me feel insanely emasculated?”

To my surprise, Frank’s smile is rather sympathetic. “Your fear of being emasculated here is misplaced. No one would judge you for what you’re feeling and you shouldn’t judge yourself either. Come with me.” He turns and leads the way toward the main elevator and slides his thumb over the pad. “Take the elevator down. At the bottom, a man called George will keep an eye on you until you’re ready to come back.”

“Really? I mean… thanks.”

Frank smiles again. “You shouldn’t punish yourself for being overwhelmed,” he replies. “No one here ever expects that.”

I hate that he’s nice to me. I hate that I lied to him, but when I step into the elevator, I push those feelings aside. Time away will give me time to think. I can deal with Mandy, try to settle some of these unresolved feelings, and then be back before they even know that I’m gone.

Maybe there will be some closure with Mindy that will help settle all these colliding feelings about Valentina. Love merges with my insecurities about not being enough for her, forming a wall around my heart to protect myself from the inevitable conversation in which she tells me she doesn’t actually care about me and she was just trauma-bonding.

The elevator reaches the bottom, but there’s no man there to greet me. In fact, the small lobby is empty. One door leading outside rests ajar against what looks to be a leather briefcase, while the stink of cigarette smoke drifts through the gap. That must be George.

If he sees me, I’ll never get away.

I head through the other door, which leads to a series of short corridors and heavy doors until I spill out into a lobby heaving with people and tourists, all excited to explore the Empire State Building.

Just another reminder of how out of my depth I really am. It’s easy to melt into the crowd and become one with the swell, letting myself get carried along with a group of people heading toward the exit. My heart beats faster and faster with every step and my back twitches in anticipation of a heavy hand and a voice demanding where I’m going.

None of that comes.

I step out into the brisk New York air and melt into the crowds surging past the building, following like a sheep with no direction. I don’t breathe properly until I’m a few blocks away and the Empire State Building is back to being a decoration on the skyline.

My heart remains heavy.

Being without Valentina is weird, but the longer I’m aware, the more utterly surreal the whole situation seems. Mafia Kings and Queens, a secret group maintaining a fragile peace, assassins and killers and bounty hunters… It’s nauseating. I walk a few more blocks before I hail a taxi and reel off Mindy’s address.

What kind of life am I leading where Mindy, of all people, will be the normality I’m craving?

As we drive through the city, I text her back several times, but she doesn’t respond. I even try to taunt her into a response by talking about Valentina, but there’s still nothing. Calling her just takes me to voicemail.

“Hey, it’s Diego. Answer the damn phone. You can’t say shit like that and then start ignoring me because it makes me think something has happened. Answer your fucking phone!”

I sigh deeply while the taxi driver sucks on his teeth. “Women trouble?”

“You have no idea,” I mutter. Gazing down at my phone, I hover over the contact I made for Valentina when I bought her that phone. It will be useless now, surely. Those people, the Suit, they surely have their own phones and numbers which are much more secure than what I got for her.

The temptation to call her fades. I won’t reach her, anyway.

My attention drifts out of the taxi and remains fixed on the dark streets, the incoming stormy cloud, and then the patter of raindrops that decorate the window just as we slow and arrive outside Mindy’s apartment.

“Thanks, man.” I pay with a tap of my phone and slip out of the car, then I linger on the sidewalk until the taxi leaves.

Knowing Mindy, I could be walking into any kind of disaster. She threatened me in my kitchen, followed me from Tech’s place, and was ready to scream and alert those people to where we were hiding, then called fucking bounty hunters on me.

Anything for a bit of cash.

Yet here I am because, despite it all, I still feel that ache of responsibility.

I take the steps two at a time, then knock on the door quickly.