Page 69 of Queen of Ruin

“She didn’t strike me as someone like that,” I say. “She seems so…”

“Cold?” Ruslan remarks with a smirk. “Aloof? Like she’d stab you just for the sake of it?”

“No.” I shake my head. “Not at all. To me she’s warm. Caring. Kind of soft.”

Bradley laughs suddenly. “Y’know, I would describe her the same way but I think we’d have different reasons. I know she’s warm because she’d walk into a burning building to save puppies, but she’d do it with such an angry look on her face and she’d stab you if you praised her.”

“I remember the first night I had Ivy here. Valentina looked at me with such disgust because she was so sure I was fucking everything up for everyone.” Ruslan grins.

“And then she became Ivy’s maid of honor. Who could have seen that coming?” Ruslan groans, then he moves around the table and pulls himself up onto it with his eyes fixed on me. “Were you scared when she got in your car?”

There’s something about Ruslan that’s vaguely intimidating and his words almost sound like an accusation, as if being scared of her reveals some kind of weakness in me. Then again, maybe he’s trying to be friendly.

“Sure,” I admit. “Can’t say I’ve ever been around guns.”

“I’d be scared,” Bradley agrees. “I’ve seen what she can do with an unloaded weapon, never mind one pointed right at me.” Despite being a large man, the shudder that moves through him is surprisingly wiggly.

“Which begs the question…” Ruslan’s brows come together. “What happened to her? We saw how reactionary she was with Diego in the bar. Even if she doesn’t remember, part of her knows what to do. How did someone get the drop on her?”

Bradley turns to Ruslan and points at him with his bottle. “You remember Carmine? That group with the hats and the crazy use of all those psychedelic drugs?”

“That was five years ago, though. Surely, there’s none left?”

“Maybe, but out of everyone she took down, they were definitely the angriest.”

And just like that, it’s like the door closes. There’s nothing I can contribute because I don’t know anything about her beyond what I've learned over the past few weeks. I have no stories, no history, no idea how her life here would result in the injuries I saw on her that night.

I’m adrift without a raft, letting their words wash over me as that deep, selfish knot from earlier solidifies in my gut once more.

I want her to remember. She deserves it.

But will I even have a place in her life anymore if she does?

Will whatever she feels for me just cease to exist?

27

VALENTINA

Ispend the next few days with Cassian poring over old pictures and videos, as well as my old notes from before I disappeared, in the hopes that simply talking and existing around these people will unlock something within me that will unlock something without needing to go deeper.

But there’s no such luck.

Every day I try, and every night I crawl into bed next to Diego and lament about how my thoughts and memories aren’t matching up to what I’m feeling. He cuddles me close and comforts me so gently that it’s hard to believe he’s still here. Every day I step away to study these things, I fear he’ll decide this is too much for him and he’ll just leave.

I don’t want that.

Whatever parts of me exist to be reconnected in my mind, I don’t want to lose what I’ve found with him, this safety and warmth that continues to bloom in my chest every time we’re together, a deep satisfaction that no matter what, I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

He’s my rock.

And I think I’ve fallen in love with him.

Every time I entertain the idea of telling him, I just picture him assuring me that it’s not real because I don’t remember everything about who I am. But I know, deep down in the depths of my soul, I know what’s real.

I just need to remember.

If I can do that, then I can tell him that all of me loves him and I pray he’ll say it back. Just like the night we joked together and he let that word slip out. It sent my heart into a frenzy, and I replayed the sound of him saying it over and over again in my head.