Page 48 of Taint My Soul

When he leaves me in silence, the memories of everything that happened tonight flood back in. I killed for him. It’s the length I’m willing to go to keep him safe, but I’m not sure if it’s enough. If I’m enough. Because I don’t know how to feel anything other than something logical.

Emotions are not logical.

They’re stupid mistakes that get people killed. That drives people to places they shouldn’t even dream of. That compels them to do irrational things.

And tonight, something dark and dangerous compelled me to do something I have never done in my entire life.

My sickness.

I’ve let it flood back in. I have let it out of my control. All because I thought I could handle it. All because I thought none of it meant anything. But here I am, defying everything my father taught me.

Because my mind and body are at war with each other. I’ve been at war with myself since the moment he walked through those doors.

If I’d turned him away, then maybe this wouldn’t have happened.

Maybe my father’s voice wouldn’t label me a disappointment in my own mind.

And maybe I wouldn’t fucking believe it.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

SAINT

You don’t show weakness.

You can’t be vulnerable.

You don’t let people see who you truly are.

I have to put my legacy first and everything else last.

He doesn’t deserve to be shackled to a man like me. He shouldn’t even look my way. He shouldn’t have come near me.

He deserves someone soft, someone whole, someone who doesn’t have blood on his hands. But the sickest part? That tiny flare of light he carries, that defiance… it makes every dark piece of me reach for him, anyway.

But I can’t want something that drives me insane, that makes me do things I wouldn’t even dream of doing.

This is what I tell myself over the weekend I spent at Cross’s house. I don’t know if he’s still at my apartment. Hell, I don’t want to. I want to forget everything that happened that night.

How could I even ask him to kiss me? It was entirely stupid of me. I mean, I’ve not kissed anyone in a long time. Never felt the need to, because kissing complicates things. I only do what I do through contracts and end those contracts when I’m bored.

And that’s all he was supposed to be, a fucking contract.

I’d never let myself forget who I am and how I’m supposed to live.

I have to remember that nothing is more important than being an asset to my family. That he doesn’t matter to me. Not even one bit.

Over the weekend, Cross had found the man who killed those boys. It was the same man who was supposed to meet up with Shaun and James.

Neo.

When I catch him, I’d make him regret ever coming after my family.

“Thank you for dropping me off,” I tell Cross as he stops in front of the company building.

“Anytime, brother.” He smiles at me. “And don’t forget the art concert. This Friday, I already bought tickets.”

“I won’t, Cross.” I promise him and get out of the car, shutting the door behind me.