Page 150 of Taint My Soul

This was supposed to be a new start for me. I’m not supposed to be tossed into more darkness after waking up in that hospital. It’s supposed to be sunshine and roses.

The best option for me is to leave. To run far away. David’s dead. Vincent is a prisoner in the Red Vault. There’s no fucking way anyone would ever find me again.

I can figure my life out. Start over. Forget I ever met Saint. I mean, if this goes wrong, I’ll be the one on my knees, and Saint will hold a gun to my head.

I stop in my tracks, panting. Out of breath, I pull my phone from my pocket and dial Dr. Khadija’s work line. “Hello, Elio, how are you?”

“I’m not doing so well. Are you free to talk?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“I’m not sure if I’ll make it to our next session. Things aren’t going as planned.”

“Oh—”

“I’m not running away, though. It’s just so complicated.”

“What is it you wanted to speak about?”

I sigh, breathing in heavily. “Hypothetical question, if you lose someone who’s close and personal to you, and you had an opportunity to get them back, but getting them back means you have to face a part of you you’ve been avoiding. What would you do?”

“Well, hypothetically speaking, if this person is so important to me and would do the same for me, then I’ll go all the way for them.”

“I know.” My voice comes out small. “But…”

“He is in trouble, isn’t he?” she sighs.

“He is.”

“Elio, I think you’re still trying to separate yourself from that night. You did what you had to do to survive. Just because you made the choice to live when you only had two options doesn’t make you a bad person. You’re not actively trying to hurt anyone, no?”

“I’m not.” I agree. I want to help people. I have been really thinking about what I could do with my life as a way to keep myself calm. So far, I haven’t come up with anything yet, but I’m definitely certain an inspiration will hit at the right time.

“There’s your answer.” She says. “If there’s anything else you need…”

“I’ll call. Thank you.”

I get on my feet and dust my ass cheeks, then I jog toward the house.

I have been trying to play fair in an unfair world, tossed into scenarios where people used me to get what they want. Unlike me, they don’t care about who gets hurt or how their decisions affect others. They only care about their goals and what they want.

I care about Saint.

I care about getting him out of there.

And the men who work for his father aren’t ready to bargain with me. They are trained to kill enemies, and right now, I’m the enemy. They don’t care if I’ve been holding onto the good parts of me my whole life.

I’m an enemy, and enemies don’t get mercy.

Besides, being good has gotten me walked all over.

The house comes into view, and I come to a halt, grabbing my knees as I hunch over, panting heavily. I race back into the house and meet Ali and Bernard exactly where I’d left them.

They see me walk past the living room to the bathroom. Before I take a shower and change my bandage, I look at myself in the mirror. I look at every part of me, from my head to my toes. That night at the beach, I was separating Mason from myself. Cause I still couldn’t wrap my head around what I’d done. But Mason was there for me throughout my college days. He kept me together until I graduated and got a job in a small town. He’s always been there for me. Just because he embodies all the negative emotions inside of me doesn’t mean he’s wrong. Just because he embodies the strength inside me doesn’t mean he’s wrong.

Saint has given me hope. He’s made me want to fight through every day.

I need to believe things will get better, and if there’s anything I can do to make it better, I will.