Page 139 of Taint My Soul

“Partly.”

“How so?”

“I hated what he did to me, what they did to me. But I had no control over the things happening to me. The death threats. Showing up at my house unexpectedly, forcing me to sleep with Saint. I mean, I had to consider death as the only way to set myself free. If I went out on my own terms, then they don’t get to have a final say on how it ends.”

She writes in her notebook. “And Saint wasn’t aware of all this until recently.”

“No, he wasn’t.”

“How did it feel to lose your autonomy? I take it you didn’t want to sleep with Saint.”

“Yes, and I didn’t have a choice. Saint and I have spoken about that part.”

“And how did you feel?”

“Seen and safe.” I say firmly.

“How have you tried to hurt yourself?”

“When it was too much, I tried to do it with a lighter. The pain I feel in that moment is what I can control, and it makes me feel better for a while.”

She sighs and smiles at me, leaning forward. “Now, could you say that maybe that part of you that wanted to fight violence with violence was because the man who should have protected and loved you had taken advantage of your trust? After everything you’ve been through, there has only been one consistent factor. Your uncle, David Layton.”

The question hangs between us like a blade lunging toward me. I keep my eyes on the floor as my pulse stutters. I taste blood where I have bitten the inside of my cheek. I don’t speak. I shake my head in agreement.

“Elio, you were a child, and you wanted support, love, and guardianship. He didn’t give you any of those. Perhaps this part of you that’s enraged, that wants to fight, isn’t completely evil as you have described it. Perhaps he was born out of your experiences.” She continues and watches me carefully. “It’s normal to feel anger, pain, and hatred. You were just a child. Give yourself some grace.”

Beside her, her phone beeps. The session has ended.

“We can have an extra ten minutes to finish up.”

“I’d like that, thank you.” I nod with a simple smile.

“As I was saying, this part of you that still feels angry comes from the betrayal and pain of your experiences as a child. You could stop seeing it as something to hate. Because it’s you, and just because it’s an ugly emotion doesn’t mean it’s invalid or monstrous, it’s you, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”

A tear rolls down my cheek. I wipe it off with the back of my palm. Sitting here acknowledging my pain and anger with the first man who saw through me and stayed anyway wasn’t part of how I imagined I’d spend the rest of my year.

She leans back on the leather couch and observes me, giving me some minutes to process. “Our next meeting will be on Thursday. I need you to treat yourself with grace. When a memory comes up, let yourself feel it. Don’t bury it. Just feel.”

“And what if I feel numb?”

“Then maybe feeling numb is feeling everything.” She smiles just as the alarm goes off again.

“I need to go get some water.”

“Of course.” She picks up her phone.

I regain my footing and step toward the kitchen, leaving Saint and Dr. Khadija in the living room. I take a glass from the shelf and move to the sink, rinsing it first before filling it with water. I move around to the kitchen island, the glass to my lips as I drink the water. I stop beside the wall where I can overhear them speaking.

“...how are you handling this, considering,” she sighs and adds quickly. “Your mother.”

His mother? Did something happen recently to his mother that I didn’t know about? Is there something I should know?

“I’m fine, Khadija. My priority at the moment is Elio.”

“I understand,” she takes a moment before she responds. “I’ll keep in touch.”

“Of course, thank you, Khadija.” Saint leads her to the elevator. When she leaves the penthouse, I finish my glass of water and set it on the counter while Saint walks toward me in his gray sweatpants. “Aren’t you leaving for work today?”