Page 71 of A Coffee Away

I tried to believe what he said, but some things didn’t add up. For example, where the hell was the painting from that night, and why was all my stuff gone? It was almost as if I had left, but my parents kept saying I had decided to start fresh and had thrown my stuff away, which wasn’t like me at all.

I furrowed my brow. “But, Dad—”

He squeezed hard. “No buts, son. Everything’s okay, and you’ll be able to retake your life soon.”

My pulse thrummed against my ears.

Every time I brought up the topic of the lost time, he evaded it like the plague. But something deep within me knew there was more.

That day, I was done with my life. I wanted to run. To tell my parents who I truly was. To own it and let go of the hate and fear that swallowed me for so long. If nothing had really happened, I’d make sure to take this opportunity and make a new life.

“Dad, I want to move out.”

Dad was about to open the car door but stopped. He clenched his jaw. It was subtle, but for a second, I saw the old version of him.

He smiled. “We’ll find a place for you. Remember, we’re here for you.”

I frowned. “Okay. So I can move out?”

He opened the passenger door. “Of course. And we’ll help you.”

I rubbed my nape and entered the car, then watched Dad through the rearview mirror.

His brow was pinched. His fists were closed tight, but as he was about to enter, he unclenched them and took on a serene expression. Could he be lying?

“Are you really okay with it?”

He started the car. “We’ll help you remake your life, and we’ll be by your side every step of the way.”

As the car moved toward our neighborhood, a dropping sensation fell upon me.

What was he hiding, and why was he agreeing to something he evidently didn’t want?

Another dream. Another restless night.

Each time I woke with this extreme need to see him. To hear his voice. This mystery man who haunted my dreams.

It was as if my life couldn’t go on without him for even a second. His demanding voice. His firm grip. He made me delve into my soul to a dark recess I’d never found before. His control burst open a door that had been closed, and when I peeked in, I cried.

How could I forget his face? All that was left of him were these dreams. His sweet words as I came undone under his touch. His caresses as I let my demons flow out and finally truly accepted who I was. He made me see. He opened my eyes as pleasure rippled through me. I sobbed as his moans and mine became one. He liberated me, and I had lost him.

Now I walked aimlessly, looking for him. But how would I recognize him? Was he even real?

And what was this feeling? How could I extinguish it?

I needed to keep living. But I was sinking into silence, into a void I didn’t want to be in. A deep tunnel from which I couldn’t emerge unless I found him.

And I waited. I waited for him to come back into my life. Day after day, I searched for that little light only he could radiate. I walked in the darkness in search of that tiny spark that would pull me out of this terrible reality. Of this loneliness. So my soul would awaken and come back to life.

We walk hand in hand, surrounded by colors. The music carries the rhythm of the clacking fans around me, printed in all the colors and varieties.

A handsome, almost naked man dances on a pole as the float passes by us. I look at the man holding my hand, but he’s swallowed in shadows among all the light.

“Here, handsome!” A drag queen smiles as she gives me and the man beside me condoms.

Another one hands me a T-shirt with the pride flag printed all over it.

I walk proudly through the streets of Condado, which are transformed into a statement of freedom. Of love and celebration.