Page 48 of A Whisper of Cinders

“I think so?”

“So, that means that this room is assigned to you. I mean, if you’re unhappy, you could always ask Mrs Delalune for another one.”

“No! No, that’s not… It’s just…” I walk towards the centre of the room. My room. “I’m not used to this much luxury. Or any luxury for that matter.” I turn back to face him. “This is more than I could’ve dreamed of.”

One corner of his mouth tips up. “I’m happy it’s to your liking, milady.” He bows at the chest, the movement fluent. “I’ll let you settle in. I’ll be back before dinner to pick you up, okay?”

I offer him a thankful smile. “That would be perfect.”

The question that has been burning on my lips rises to the surface right as Aramis turns away. “Wait,” I say and he turns back around. “May I ask something?”

“Of course.”

Here goes nothing. “Do you know why I was brought here?” If my question surprises him, he doesn’t let it show, so I continue. “I don’t feel like I belong, taking lessons as a normal student. I didn’t hurt my friend, but my past isn’t rainbows and sunshine either.”

His eyes grow darker, as if a storm rages in his head, but his response is kind, gentle. “I’m not sure. I wish I could give you the answers that you seek.” He moves closer and I don’t have the urge to back away for once. “You were brought here for a reason, Maily, and you do belong here. I know that and so does Mrs Delalune. I’m sure she will answer your questions.”

I thought he would say that. He won’t know the answer to my other question either, who killed Ami since I didn’t. My eyes burn with unshed tears.

“Hey, don’t worry,” he reassures, noticing the wetness in my eyes. “I’m sure everything will become clear very soon.”

I plaster on a convincing smile and nod. “Okay.”

“Okay,” he responds, and something flickers in his eyes. Is that…worry? “I’ll see you later?”

I nod and offer a small wave as he walks towards the staircase.

I close the door and lean against it as I slowly lower myself to the ground. The burning feeling in my throat is near painful as I try to keep the tears at bay.

But I have been trying — and succeeding — all day. And I’m so tired. More cracks appear in the dam inside of me. A wretched sound escapes my lips and I slam my hand across my mouth to silence it.

But when a tear cascades down my cheek, traveling across my burning fingers, another one follows. And although I try to stop it, each tear follows faster than the other and I don’t have the energy to hold them back anymore.

The dam inside me breaks. And so do I.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

Grief swallows me and I lose all sense of time as tears spill freely down my cheeks.

Moonveil Academy is not what I expected it to be. No firm hands or cruelty, but kindness and generosity. Today was everything I could have ever wished for, a life I could only dream of. I wanted this for so long, my shot at happiness.

But what right do I have to be happy, when she isn’t here to witness and enjoy it with me. Why do I get the chance at a better life, when she deserved it just as much? Why am I even here?

She should be here. With me.

Have they sent her body back to her parents? She rarely spoke of them and they never visited, but still. They are her family. But…I was too, and I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye. Not really.

A scream breaks through the silence of my room. I scream until my voice gives out, hoping to relieve the tension that has built up inside my chest. But now that the dam is broken, all I know is pain and agony, crashing over me like waves of the ocean.

I don’t deserve happiness, not after what I’ve done to my mother. Would they know about my past? Anima must have given them my file. But why treat me with care and give me freedom to do whatever I please when I have murdered someone?

My fingers dig in my arms again and again, hoping to escape this agony. As the pain in my heart shifts to pain in my arm, my breathing steadies. Blood trickles down my arm. I don’t even care.

I stare in the distance, my gaze unfocused, my eyes sting and burn, but the sadness in my chest hasn’t lifted in the slightest. Yet, I have no tears left within me. I don’t know at what point I decide to lay down, curled up on the wooden floor, body heavy with exhaustion.

Silence has returned, the ear deafening kind. I’m numb and feel empty. That’s probably why I only notice someone’s at my door until it bangs against my head. I’m not even bothered by it.

Sounds reach my ears, but it’s nullified. Someone is talking, a low, rushed rumble. A higher melodic tone responds, calmer, but I can’t make out words. I’m too far away.