Page 132 of Forsaking All Others

“Your best friend?”

“No. I already killed her, I told you that.”

“Then who?”

“A man.”

I expect her to wax lyrical about something wise her grandmother once said, or try and hug me, or any number of things, but instead she rises and picks up the list I’d thrown on the coffee table.

“We can each take three of the listed items.” She purses her lips as I shake my head at her contrary ways.

“Yes,” I frown, “but no weapons. It’s a new twist on the Game, and it’s worrying.”

“You’ll be without your bra,” she laughs.

“Pardon?”

“Oh, it’s just how I think of you.”

“Thorun,” I sigh, “half of me doesn’t want to ask you this, but I know I’m going to.”

She giggles and waves the list at me.

“It’s a grandmother story.”

“God save me,” I groan, “go on.”

“My grandmother and I used to go to town once a week to shop and visit friends, but then she stopped, and she wouldn’t tell me why. She’s very popular on the island, and people look up to her, and I guess she’s kind of an unofficial leader of the community. So it was weird that she would suddenly not want to go out. It took me ages to find out why, but eventually she told me it was because she couldn’t get her bra on; the arthritis in her fingers prevented her from doing up the catch. I told her not to be so silly; no one would notice with our big heavy coats if she was wearing a bra, but she insisted she couldn’t go to town without it. She couldn’t deal with seeing or talking to people, couldn’t be confident and at her best if she didn’t have it on. Each week after that, before we went to town, I helped her put it on, and I came to kind of think of it as her armour. She didn’t need it, because people would respect her regardless, but she believed she did, and it gave her the confidence she needed to go out.”

“How the fuck does that relate to me?” I shake my head, frowning.

“You think you’re at your best and you’re most confident, when you have weapons. But just like my grandmother, you don’t really need them. People will still respect you, regardless. Weapons and keeping people at arm’s distance are your armour, but you’re strong without either of those things.”

“Thorun,” I sigh heavily, “you’ve lived a very sheltered life. I envy you that. When you talk about your family and your island and how your community all care for one another, it’s like you’ve come from another planet, one that I could only dream of growing up on. But it’s made you very naive. People respect power. Power comes with strength, and strength must be demonstrated. My bra, my weapons, are just a part of that, but for me, they’re a big part. I don’t need them to be respected. I grew up in a very different world from yours. I need them to be safe.”

‘I don’t bother mentioning her ‘arm’s distance’ comment. If that’s my armour, then so be it. That too had kept me safe.’

“If you say so,” she shrugs.

“I can’t believe I just called weapons a bra,” I roll my eyes. “You and your grandmother are rotting my brain. Can we please just get back to choosing our camping gear?”

She giggles and nods.

“I’ll take a tomahawk, a shovel and a tarpaulin. You’ll take a flint, a pot and a knife.”

“That’s it?” I frown. “No sleeping bag, no tent, no fishing items? I know Miranda selected fishing gear. She said anyone who didn’t was a fucking idiot.”

“Cat, we don’t need those things. If we’re going to survive in the snowy wilderness for months we need items to help us build a shelter and cook food. Everything we take needs to be light enough for us to pack up quickly and move easily. And I mean technically you could probably kill someone with some of these items. Right?”

“Yes, if I was in a hand-to-hand situation, but we also have to survive the elements.”

“And we will,” she says firmly. “Trust me as I’ve trusted you these past weeks.”

“Right,” I nod. “You'd better hope we don’t get separated; my three items look like a Girl Scout weekend gone wrong.”

She sniggers, and I shake my head, adding quietly, “don’t let anyone else know what we’re taking.”

“Why?” She murmurs, keeping her head low so her expression is hidden from the others in the room.