Page 24 of Client from Hell

I bet if I kept the incubus around, he’d keep me on my toes due to my awareness he would do everything but cheat if I didn’t keep a close eye on him. The bastard would cheat at everything except our love life if we were to develop one, too.

I suspected Darlene harbored some deep-seated hatred for me.

“She really does not,” the archangel informed me. “He cannot help his nature, and she cannot help her nature. You cannot help your nature, either. This is a dangerous combination for you, as your nature will drive you to the limits of your sanity, and you will end up enjoying the ride because you appreciate a challenge.”

Well, fuck.

“That would be a part of your appreciation and enjoyment, yes.”

Hot damn. I’d need some time to recover from the archangel’s rather wicked sense of humor. “What does this realistically mean for me?”

“It means you get to be a test subject,” the archangel informed me. “We will give you a choice of species. You will pick. We will attempt to attune your lycanthropy virus to that species. We have a backup plan if this does not work—and we may use the backup plan even if it does work. We will evaluate the reality versus the shadows of the future we have observed. These things are not necessarily the same.”

“Hey, that’s a silver lining. I get to choose my species?”

“The list is not extensive, but you do get a choice.”

“I am automatically rejecting any creepy-crawlies. Don’t even offer them to me. Any sort of bug? I just can’t handle it. I’d try to assassinate myself the first time I saw my reflection.”

The angel and archangel laughed, and Camael replied, “Do not worry. There are no creepy-crawlies among your choices. The species were selected to allow you to better thrive in Lucifer’s domain.”

“Okay. Hit me with it. What are my choices?”

The archangel cleared her throat. “You may become a spicy pony, a spicy pony with bite, a fox with some spice, a spicy fox with bite, or a feline of troublesome nature with some spice and bite.”

My mouth dropped open, and I struggled against the urge to open my eyes and stare in disbelief at the archangel. “Did you just say a spicy pony or a spicy pony with bite?”

“I absolutely did. He wished for the choices to be of ambiguous nature, as He has a sense of humor that rivals His fallen son’s. He feels these choices will cater well to your nature.”

Jonas snickered. “The feline of troublesome nature with some spice and bite would fight with Darlene often, I’m sure. Cats do that.”

“Let’s skip the feline of troublesome nature with some spice and bite. I have the feeling Darlene would win, and if Darlene didn’t win, Lucifer would. I want to survive this, not make myself a target for however short my lifespan as a feline of troublesome nature with bite would be.”

“You are a creature of wisdom,” the archangel complimented.

“While I like foxes, I think I’ll take the spicy pony with some bite. That sounds like an upgrade from the spicy pony. I really don’t have anything against foxes—I really like how they’re colored—but I know just enough about mythology to recognize a fox might end up biting me in the ass even more than some sort of demented equine, likely of hellish origin.”

Camael’s laughter chimed. “You truly are a creature of wisdom. I will return shortly. I will have you drink a brew, and it will not be the most pleasant of things, but you will survive it, and you will learn what it means to be a spicy pony with bite in time.”

“But what is a spicy pony with bite? There are so many spicy ponies with bite around I can’t even guess,” Jonas complained. “Don’t get me started on those damned cindercorns.”

“Those are definitely spicy ponies with bite,” Camael agreed.

“And then you have the damned nightmares.”

“Those are also spicy ponies with bite,” the archangel replied.

“The Four Horses of the Apocalypse.”

“They, too, have much spice and a great deal of bite.”

“The standard unicorns are spicy perverts, and they bite,” Jonas complained. “Damn it, every single horse from hell is spicy and bites.”

“It does leave a great deal of room for interpretation. I will return soon. I will say this much, her variant of a spicy pony with bite is not a cindercorn.”

Something popped, and Jonas cursed.

“I like horses,” I informed Jonas. “If I’m going to shift into something, becoming a badass horse of some sort really appeals to me.”