Page 74 of Catnapped

“I’ve become a pretty evil woman in the past few months.”

“No, you’ve simply become a confident woman who isn’t afraid of stepping out of line. You talk back to your boss now instead of doing what you’re told with minimal questioning. That’s me. You talk back to me. Often. You even like it. Anyway, all of this is necessary. They’ll come away from today far better people and far better parents for you. That won’t fix your childhood, but your adulthood will be filled with joy. Of course, I’m saying that because I have every intention of making it so. Who knows? Maybe they’ll even find their way into His heavens after they realize the drivel their church fed them was lies and blasphemy rather than the real deal. However much it pains me, I can recommend a few churches that do walk the straight and narrow.”

“Put the addresses in a card for them as part of their Christmas present,” I ordered.

“I can do that.” Lucifer snickered while watching Darian work on dinner. “As for you, how are you liking my ultimate Christmas present to you? Isn’t she magnificent?”

“Don’t call her a Christmas present. She wasn’t a present. I’m her present, a present she gave herself, and it wasn’t for Christmas.” Darian shook his head and gave one of his soft, patience-tested chuckles. “I do love her, and she needs to hear it early and often. She’s getting her scheduled dose of adoration after we’ve evicted all of our guests.”

The patience-tested chuckle always intrigued me, as he’d somehow transformed his general frustration into amusement. He claimed he wanted me to see how people could be with a little effort, and he loved me too much to get mad at me for struggling to accept affection.

It had taken a few months for me to get used to the idea, as I’d discovered I had no idea how to handle people openly loving me. I responded better to gestures rather than words, but the instant Darian had figured out I had no idea how to process spoken affection, he worked to acclimate me to the idea—or at least numb me due to frequency. “You just had to start, didn’t you?”

“Always. It’s a joy in my long life.” Lucifer slid off the counter. “Try to act surprised and delighted about the fish, Diana. Darlene spent a chunk of the morning crying that her little children were going to a new home. I escaped here because I can’t tell her she shouldn’t cry because Ruby’s babies are all grown up, but she’s redefining what it means to be hormonal. I had to make Ruby’s girlfriend immortal, which is why she only gets to keep one. And I told her that she can only breed Ruby to his new beloved girlfriend. I had to sit down and have a talk with the fish so they could share the same aquarium. Normal bettas would kill each other given half a chance and any excuse. They’re only allowed to fight when it’s time to breed, and they’ve been told they’re only allowed to breed once a year at most. They can be freeloaders the rest of the time. Then I made sure that’s the case by fiddling with them.”

Ah. “She’s in the fertility stage of her cycle?” I’d learned succubi, much like humans, had cycles, and when a succubus hit the peak of her fertility, she became a hormonal mess, needed to be fed more often than usual, and wanted to be around babies or make a baby—or several babies, depending on the length of her cycle.

Darlene, much to everyone’s relief, tended to have a short fertility stage of her cycle, only running Lucifer ragged for two to three weeks out of each year, as measured on Earth.

The Devil, who enjoyed being run ragged, grinned. “She sure is. The children will help tone her down, but I figured I’d let her work that out of her system. I’m not going to be available tomorrow, as she’ll need a lot of tender, loving care to bring her back to an almost-sane state.”

“She’s showing her wings and spots, isn’t she?”

“Every single one of them,” Lucifer replied in a rueful tone. “And she’s at the stage she couldn’t hide them if she tried. He is going to meddle slightly over dinner so she’s somewhat sane, but the instant He leaves, I’ll have to take her home, else she’ll start a hell-wide party.”

“I’d feel sorry for you, except I really don’t. You’ll have a good time tonight, just make sure you give Him a hug.”

“However much I loathe and abhor the idea, I shall.”

Liar, liar. Rather than call Lucifer out on his bullshit, I smiled. “Your cindercorns are playing in the snow. I thought they hated the snow?”

“Well, normally, that’s the case, but someone can’t keep her hands off my nephew, so she only has herself to blame for her current situation—or her soon-to-be current situation, as I am the Devil, they did agree to stay at my house tonight, and it’s Christmas, and I want more little cindercorn foals to spoil. Those ones are old enough to handle some additions to the family.”

I glanced out the window at the pair of fillies who were determined to catch their father and the Four Horses of the Apocalypse in a convoluted game of chase while their mother whinnied her laughter. One day, both would fly, although their stubby little wings didn’t do more than flap ineffectively, covered in down and baby feathers. “How old until they start flying?”

“They won’t until adulthood, much to their future annoyance. They’ll take their first short flights in their late teens. The next pair won’t have wings. Initially, this will come as a relief to their beleaguered parents, but they’ll learn looks are deceiving.”

“Setting them up for another set of twins?”

“It’s payback for the quadruplets they inflicted on a family friend,” Lucifer replied. “I very clearly heard Bailey claim she wanted more children. Very clearly. I also heard Sam state the same thing where Bailey couldn’t hear him. As such, they are getting precisely what they want for Christmas. Again. Anyway, the foals will go to the kids’ dinner, so you won’t have to worry about them being underfoot, and the Four Horses will keep an eye on the kids, so security will be good. I mean, add in the congregation of devilish and demonic babysitters, and there’s no safer place to be than in hell right now.”

“No kidding. I assume they’ll shift to human eventually?”

“Soon. Ra is bringing your parents now, so I’ll send them around front. Honestly, they’re cindercorns at my request—and the standard unicorns are around for the same reason. We want to convince your parents to change their ways, not fully traumatize them. I mean, when He reveals who He is, it’ll be a little traumatic.”

“A little trauma will not hurt them,” He said, poking his head into the kitchen. He had chosen the form of a willowy black man, not much taller than me, possessing an almost feminine air. His mischievous smile both warmed and worried me. As warned, He wore one of his fallen son’s suits, pitch black with a red tie. “Could I bother you for an extra layer of shroud? I usually shroud completely to avoid any chance of an accident.”

I’d learned from the archangels He was still fairly young, and His mortal personality still thrived. According to everyone I’d asked, they hoped that never changed.

Sliding off my stool, I smiled and concentrated on Him, narrowing my eyes until I pierced through the barrier safeguarding mortals from His visage. Any other day, I wouldn’t have been worried, but when in hell in what could become a family feud, I understood His concern. I reached out and touched His brow between his eyes, drawing a circle with the tip of my finger.

My shroud encapsulated His, and as He worried, I drew a second, larger circle around the first to layer on the protections.

Before conversion, it would have taken a great deal more work and effort than simply willing the shroud into being—and nobody could erase the tracing of my finger from His skin.

“Come see me when you want that removed,” I replied, allowing myself a satisfied smile.

“Thank you. I will after your parents leave and there are no mortals underfoot.” He smiled at Darian. “You have been working with your mate long enough he would survive seeing my face.”