Page 66 of Catnapped

“I’m having a hard time deciding if I want to be on the couch because I know exactly what will happen to me if I’m stuck on the couch for a month. That is worth waiting for rather patiently.”

“You will allow Darian his chance.”

I flicked an ear back at that. “I’m a devil-demon-horse thing now. Do you think he’ll actually want to have a chance? I could snort on him and light him on fire.”

“Well, that’s half the fun,” the Devil’s wife informed me. “Wondering if your future lover is going to light you on fire or toss you in some dungeon definitely enhances the experience. It amazed me Lucifer didn’t do that to me. He even let me chain him to his desk and smack him.”

“You’re hot when you’re bossing me around, and honestly, I was too stunned you were bossing me around to even think about killing you and tossing you in the dungeon. And at that point, the only place I wanted to drag you was to bed, but you kept saying no. Chained to my desk is almost as good as a bed. Well, not really, but I was hopeful you’d change your mind.”

“No is a very powerful word, and I like using it.”

“I know,” Lucifer complained.

I ambled along at Darlene’s pace, snapping my teeth at the Devil to make it clear I’d put one of my new natural weapons to good use if he stepped out of line. Darlene placed her hand on my nose, and I suspected the sneaky snow leopard wanted her dinner intact.

“Don’t you mind him, Diana. He’s just hoping for spots, and as I control the spots, he has to behave. I made up a room for you in the house, perfect for you to get used to your new form. Darian is methodical, so he’ll need some time to get his act together. But don’t you worry. If he can’t figure out how to get your attention, I’ll just start mailing your panties to his mother. Maybe he is denser than a rock, but his mother is smart—when she can actually focus. I’ll send a note to take her medications and teach her son some of the more important tricks in life, like how to draw a proper summoning circle. I expect by the time he figures it out, you’re going to be very hungry. I’m sure he’ll enjoy himself thoroughly.”

I flicked one ear forward while twisting the other back. “I’m not a succubus, Darlene. That’s you. You’re hungry, and you want to eat Lucifer for dinner. Don’t turn me into a man-hunting succubus like you.”

“Oh, you’re not a succubus, but I know my husband and his unicorns. Darian will end up being your ultimate dessert, and I’d bet away all of my spots he wired you to convert through seduction of your man. There are worse ways to go, really.”

I glared at Lucifer. “You are very bad. Doesn’t Darian get a say in this?”

“Well, I’d say he forfeits his say in how you drag him off to be your dessert the instant he starts drawing a summoning circle to catch you. He knows you’ve been converted, and he knows he has a pervert for an uncle. If he isn’t able to figure this out on his own, he deserves all of the trouble you bring his way. Just try not to destroy my house in the time it takes him to figure out how he’s going to approach being your conquest. But if you get tired of waiting, you can go claim what you want. And if you don’t want him, you can start pursuin—”

Darlene vaulted over my back, manifested her wings, and attacked her husband, claws out, and her mouth opened, revealing pronounced canines, ready to tear into the Devil’s flesh.

He caught her, tossing her over his shoulder. “She acts like she can banish me to the couch when she’s already been protesting my cruel mistreatments of everyone in the universe. Isn’t she a funny kitty, Diana?”

“Maybe you should go feed her before she razes every last one of your hells.”

Darlene growled and bit at Lucifer’s back, and her tail lashed back and forth.

“You might be right. Make yourself at home. If you see any devils or demons misbehaving, feel free to kick the sin right out of them. Just try not to kick Belial should he show up. He tends to take excessive measures when seeking revenge for some reason.” Lucifer bounced Darlene on his shoulder while she hissed and snarled curses at him. “My wife’s right, though. I am truly an asshole. In good news, you won’t starve to death. You’re just going to be really, really grouchy until you get a good meal and start converting your chosen male. You could go a thousand years before choosing a male. Please don’t do that. There’s little grouchier than a hungry succubus, and that’s a hungry nightmare. I really did a good job with you.”

“Lucifer, you are a wretch!” Darlene complained, and she pounded on her husband’s back. “Put me down.”

“And delay counting your spots? Nonsense. You’re showing all of them off and your wings. If you’re not fed soon, you really will trash my many hells, and I’m too busy right now to rebuild everything after you’ve vented your temper. I have better ways to deal with you, my little kitty. Don’t worry, though. You’ll enjoy it.”

I followed Lucifer and his wife into their home, and as I wanted nothing to do with their bedroom activities, I explored in the opposite direction, wondering what I would find.

Deep in the heart of Lucifer’s home, I discovered a wing of the building dedicated to all things fish, and in the entry, a betta ruled over all in a glass bowl palace, showing off his red fins while some spotted fish hung out on the sandy bottom.

“His name is Ruby, and Lucifer selected him for Darlene when preparing the prison for the future inmates,” Belial informed me from where he stood behind me. “The other fish are leopard cory cats. Before Ruby’s conversion to an immortal devilish fish, he was the first fish Lucifer could approach without terrifying it. It amuses me that the Lord of Hell is fast friends with a rather small fish.”

Rather than laugh, I whinnied, something that would take some getting used to. “It’s not a problem that I’m in here, is it? Darlene went after Lucifer like she meant it, and she had her wings out.”

“She’s been fussy lately, and add in how she’s been worried about you, and she hasn’t been eating well. Now that you’re mostly sorted, she’s hungry enough she’s manifesting. Try to relax. You’re fine. At least now. I had not realized you were so advanced as to see through the shrouds.”

“Well, I can summon Lucifer if I really want. Apparently, I’m allowed to once and only once, and I’ll probably regret it should I do it.”

“He wants to know if you actually can. He prefers not to peek at those futures, because being surprised is a rare state for him. The cancer was not something he expected. That was enough to rile him up, and with the cancer being an immediate concern, he opted to address the problem of your ability to see through the shrouds. He picked an interesting form for you. I should say I’m surprised, but I am really not. It was only a matter of time before he branched from unicorns to other equines. What has he dubbed your species?”

“A nightmare,” I replied. “I think. Sometimes a daydream?” I concentrated on the darker, hellfire portion of my new life, and all it took to turn my coat jet back was thinking about the abused animals being rescued by the CDC. I snorted hellfire in Belial’s direction, although I took care not to hit him with it. “The third form is between the two, and I can breathe hellfire and holy fire at the same time. I think he turned me into an even bigger mess than I already am.”

The devilish general chuckled. “My son is having a conniption fit. I left the house because I couldn’t keep a straight face. He has the general capacity of a half-dead newt at even the most basic of summoning circles, and his mother won’t stop laughing at him.”

I struggled to imagine competent, intellectual, and dangerously handsome Darian struggling with a basic summoning circle. “Are you saying summoning is out, then?”