Page 60 of Catnapped

I tested moving my mouth, and after some experimentation, I said, “I’m not a kelpie, right?”

“You’re not a kelpie,” Lucifer confirmed. “But don’t you worry about that. You’ll fit right in with my little saltwater toffee’s herd, and your mate, who’ll be your species, will fit in as well, so never you fear. Darian won’t get the special treatment, but you share quite a few similarities with my unicorns. You’ll have no trouble converting him to be the appropriate species. You, however, don’t come with a horn.”

A pity. “Why no horn?”

“You would stab everything you can because you can, because I make you cranky, and the last thing I need is a bunch of new holes because I made you cranky yet again. It’ll be bad enough when you snort fire at me after I’ve annoyed you.” Lucifer gave my nose a brisk rub. “Gabriel, why is she calmer than I expected her to be? She should be biting and finding the taste of blood to her liking.”

“He fiddled, as is His way. She’ll go completely psychotic after you set her loose on the party of evil catnappers. He also added a few extras to make sure her rampage doesn’t hurt any of the animals. He said He would make certain the ones that could be saved would be saved, and that He has seen to the rest, so they do not suffer. He will handle their seeds personally. You were too busy cooing to your little Diana during her shift to notice or care what He was up to.”

“It’s true. Cooing to the new converts helps them get through it, even if they aren’t aware I’m doing it. I always coo to the ones I really like. Shut up, Gabriel. You’re annoying. Don’t you go be bothering my little candy cane with your nonsense.”

The archangel laughed. “She’s not bothered. She’s confused. Once you flip the violence switch, you will have problems calming her.”

“Who said I would be calming her?”

“You’re just going to let her rampage?”

“The nearest town is forty miles away in any direction, and they made a shit dirt road to set up their latest lab. I’ll make her Darian’s problem.”

“Darian will have trouble getting here,” Gabriel stated. “Why did we not bring him if your plan is to have him deal with her?”

“Who said he was going to deal with her here? I’m going to teach him how to summon her, but taming her is his problem. I figure it will take her at least a few days to wage her little war here. She’ll be against a bunch of pre-shift lycanthropes and one lycanthrope too stupid to know when to quit. Diana won’t have many problems with them. There’s just a lot of them. I don’t want to deal with an unscheduled End of Days, and if stupid humans would stop trying to make themselves go extinct from greed and ambition, that would be nice.”

“It might help if you adjust your expectations,” Gabriel chided. “You are upset because this incident will change how we operate again. I believe His help made that clear enough even for you. We are not supposed to be working together, yet here we are. Working together. You are surly because this is not how things normally go.”

“Since when do we cooperate on anything? And Diana? Inviting Him to go to the family dinner was just ruthless and evil, and I’m so proud of you. That was so ruthless and evil that I’m planning on wearing my Sunday best, and I’ll even give my old man a hug just to fuck with the prejudiced mortals. Assuming, of course, He opts to come out shrouded.”

“I believe that is His plan. He is going to take the form of the Christ, as He has a rather twisted sense of humor. And not the whitewashed, offensive version. His son was not a white man, and He is very offended every time the humans opt to change His son’s appearance to appease their personal prejudices. Honestly, it surprises me He has not triggered the End of Days over that issue. He regrets swearing He would not spank humanity and make them start over from scratch again.”

I turned my head to face Gabriel, and the tattered ruins of his shroud fell away, revealing the archangel’s face, a chiseled beauty of a man. I eyed the Devil, who shared features with his brother to a startling degree. “You could be twins, almost. Lucifer, you look more tired and worn.”

“Yes,” the Devil agreed. “We are what humans could be if not for sin. And as for being more tired or worn, someone had to play with the shrouds, and arranging the appropriate conversion is absolutely exhausting. After I set you loose, I’m going to go home, and my wife is going to hunt me. I’m going to be a worn out shell when she’s done with me. She’s going to have to pamper me back into good health.”

Darlene would love every minute of it. I flicked an ear and began the important work of testing how I moved in my new form. “Darian thought you’d make me a kelpie to keep Malcolm company.”

“A kelpie would make him mourn for his family. They’re angels now, but it doesn’t change much for him. He still misses them. His father is the only other member of the original Stewart clan still alive, and while most of his family hated him, Malcolm is a sentimental being. Everything they were is gone now. Bringing you in as a kelpie would have hurt him more than it helped. He’ll just have to breed a herd of little kelpies with my daughter, as soon as he conquers her problem with water. And having two daughters with problems with water? Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. I’m going to notify Darian he must cure you of your fear of the water. Anyway, your species is better for your temperament and personality. It will cater to your inclination to remain balanced, but it will allow you to stray without issue. You can be whatever you need or want to be. And if you really want a horn, it’s within your power to manifest one. You can also manifest wings. You have a base form, which is that of an equine.”

My eyes widened, and I snorted. “I can have wings?”

“Good luck, Lucifer. You are going to have to tether her to the ground now.” Gabriel laughed and patted my shoulder. “Let us start with the horn first. I will help my brother teach you how to fly after you handle this matter. We cannot eradicate this group of humans while you can.”

“Why can I while you can’t? It doesn’t make sense to me.” I flicked my tail, turning my head to get a better look at my rump. I appreciated the full horse’s tail, which swished at my command. “I seem to be gray.”

“Mouse gray,” the Devil informed me with pride. “You have dark socks and tips on your ears. When you are being your more angelic self, you’ll be pristine white, and when you’re being delightfully naughty, you’ll be the darkest black. You can even play pretend at being a regular horse if you want to go investigating the mortal coil at your whim. Of course, this could create some fun if you decide to run off on me after you’ve finished handling your work here. So, we have some rules you need to follow.”

I flattened my ears and snorted black and blue flame at the Devil. “Rules?”

“Yes, I know. Rules are so inconvenient. This facility was built to create an army of lycanthropes meant to unseat various important figureheads in government and religious positions and infect the remaining human populace with the virus. They experimented on people to trigger early onset, although their tests did not go as well as they would like. As far as lycanthropes go, they’re fairly weak. Your job is to destroy their lab and eliminate the major players at this complex. We don’t need any for questioning. If it makes you feel better, these beings are without remorse, and they would have killed your Mr. Flooferson if I had not instilled a rather strong compulsion to keep your cat happy and well. I couldn’t erase their greed or need to test if he had done his work. While you handle that, I will pick your cat up, handle his care, and give him to Darian to watch while you finish your work. I will also teach him to know your forms, so he is not afraid of you. Your scent has changed substantially since he last saw you, but it is a small matter for me to address.”

“I fail to see how these are rules.”

“Destroy only what’s here. Keep your rampage limited to this lab. You’re not here to take over the world, and you can’t hunt down the rest of the operation. Your job is to wipe out this portion of the operation. And yes, that means you’ll have to let Kingston go for now. He’s elsewhere. The better a job you do of wiping out this facility, the harder it will be for him to make progress later. You wanted to save your cat and get revenge on those who took your cat, and this is how you can.”

I flattened my ears, stomped my hooves, and bucked. “Can I help eliminate Kingston later?”

“If you do a good enough job of razing this lab to the ground, I’ll think about how you can help take out Kingston later. Don’t forget, you owe me time giving you life advice, Diana. I expect you in good health following your adventure here.”

The Devil annoyed me, and I snapped my teeth at him. He dodged my bite with a chuckle.