Page 30 of License to Kill

I wish that had mattered to everyone of importance.

As always, everything circled back to Jake. When it had come to his pack, he had sided with them without hesitation. Only wolves were wanted, and I wasn’t a wolf. I could never be a wolf.

I was a stray fox, and I would be nothing more than a stray fox.

Long into the night, I stared out the window, the monotony broken by a nurse doing her rounds. I’d been trapped in the same mire before, waiting and watching the world go by. In a way, I would’ve given a lot to return to the tedium of anchoring, trapped in a prison of my own choosing.

Once again, I was on the outside looking in, wanting what I couldn’t have. No amount of hard work or effort would change anything. There’d be no offers of playing rogue agent in an effort to restore my balance and bring me back into shape to work on a real team in the force.

On a technicality, I was still in CARD, although I hadn’t done a single proper case. Everything I had done revolved around the Greenwich case and the mercenaries behind it, the same ones who had trapped Jake and his parents in the warehouse, the same ones who had bought my ma and driven her into killing my pa and attempting to kill me, too.

My chance to escape faded with the rising sun, and I stared out the window wondering what might have been if only I’d been a normal person. My ma wouldn’t have snapped because of me. My pa would still be alive.

Maybe Jake would have waited a little longer and found someone like Amelia before being stuck with me.

I had no appetite, and I played along with the doctor’s general verdict of drug-induced queasiness and disinterest in anything edible. I ignored food like everything else, aware it came and went while the nurse clucked her disapproval at me.

Her name was Francesca, and she closed the window so I wouldn’t catch my death from cold. At least she left the drapes open, allowing me to watch the world go by. I had a view of a spacious green lawn, part of a parking lot, and a busy street beyond.

Busy streets were bad places for foxes, even preternaturally large and fast ones like me.

Pauline returned and brought Mellisa Sampson with her. The fire witch frowned at me before taking a long look around the hospital room.

Like everyone else, I filed their presence away in the back of my head and returned to staring out the window.

“I could have told you exactly what’s wrong with her instead of hiking all the way down from Washington, Pauline. If the doctors and nurses haven’t figured it out, they should have their heads examined.”

“Humor me, Mellisa.”

Mellisa sighed. “Were you expecting to find her and everything would magically work out, and there would be some magical happily ever after? She’s depressed, and with good reason, and it isn’t the sort of depression you can just erase with medication with any expectation of it helping. Everyone has convinced her she has no value, and that there is nothing for her here.”

In a way, I appreciated I didn’t have to say a word, but on the other hand, I really disliked how they talked about me like I wasn’t there. Then again, maybe I wasn’t.

I didn’t want to be, and I already regretted having stared out the window instead of shifting, becoming a fox, and abandoning my humanity for the simpler life of hunting, sleeping, and finding a territory to call my own.

“I was hoping you could enlighten us about what to do about it.”

“She already told you. It isn’t her fault you didn’t listen. No, this time, enlightenment will have to be found by bumping your heads together—and I don’t mean with her—to figure out where you’ve screwed up. You already have the answer if you stop and think outside of your carefully constructed box. Talk to your mate. Talk to your son. Talk to her new friend, and actually listen to her this time. Make a list. Think about it for a while. Take everything you know about her, put it into order so it makes sense, and start looking at the whole picture. When you figure it out, come back and have your talk with her. Pitch it to me first, so you don’t make even more of a mess of things than you already have.”

I hid my amusement that Mellisa managed to scold Jake’s mother without retribution.

“And you think this will help?”

“I wouldn’t be suggesting it if I didn’t think it would. Despite appearances, I do actually know what I’m doing, and I’ve been working with Karma long enough to have a basic understanding of how she ticks. Give it a couple of days.”

Pauline growled, and she left without another word, closing the door hard enough I flinched at the sound.

“I’m completely surrounded by idiots,” my psychologist complained. “And I don’t mean you. You’re just up shit creek without a paddle or a boat, and anyone who thinks you’d be walking around happy-go-lucky needs to have their head examined.”

“Most people would be concerned if their psychologist said you’re basically fucked,” I pointed out.

“You like when I’m honest. It’s sad. When this happens to a child, doors open, people step up, and help is a phone call away. When it happens to an adult, the adult is expected to magically keep going as though nothing has changed when everything has changed. They’re expecting you to be, well, you. You’re not you anymore, and you probably don’t have a clue who in hell you are anymore. You don’t know if you can trust any of them, and when you see Pauline, all you can probably think about is your ma. They don’t see it, but I do. And because Jake has such a fundamentally close relationship with his mother, walls have been erected you’re in no condition to handle. Then there’s the issue of their pack. They’ve forgotten foxes are just as social as wolves. I tried to tell them. I truly tried.” Mellisa sat beside the bed, stretched her legs out, and sighed. “I’ve got all the time you need. I’d say all day, but this is going to take a lot more than a day to sort out, and I think we both know it. Where would you like to begin?”

“I just want to be done with it, Mellisa.”

“Define ‘it’ for me.”

Maybe if I said the words, I could cut the infection out and have some chance to take a step forward in any direction. “Jake. His pack. His family. His life. Amelia will suit him.”