Page 43 of Murder Mittens

My pride demanded I lie, lie, lie to cover my ignorance about phones. Instead, I grabbed my old phone out of my purse and held both out to him. “Yes, please.”

He took the phones. “Glad to help. I’ll show you how to do it when we’re in the room, and if you weren’t planning on getting a case, I’ll pick one out for you while I’m out.”

“Do they really need cases?”

“Yes. We’re lycanthropes. We are masters at breaking things accidentally. That makes cases necessary. Not putting a case on your phone is like mimicking those who put coffee cups in CD holders when you’re a lycanthrope. And in my not-so-humble opinion, even when you’re not one. Phones are expensive. Put yours in a case.”

I gasped. “You heard about that call?”

“I may have called your boss using my CDC credentials during an inquiry on lycanthropes in high-stress workplaces located in your area. It was a legitimate call. Mostly. And as I’m clever and insufferable, I did my survey requesting specific examples. There’s only one female lycanthrope in his employment. You. I heard about the call. One of my new goals in life is to put you into a job you actually like. And I have no doubt you’re good at your job. I just want you to have work you like. That is not a smear on you, your work ethic, or even your job, only because even your boss is aware you do it because of personal reasons, not because it’s the job you want. And yes, your boss knows about your scars, and however much it disgusts me, he admitted he shows you some favoritism because of them.”

“Really?”

“He gives you more days off than others with your seniority. He also factored your gender into it, because he wrongfully assumed you were actively looking for a man.”

“I have the pickiest virus. She has never liked men. She has only liked one man. And for her to like you, you had a lot of criteria you needed to meet. Honestly, I love my virus because of that. She could have made my life so much worse.”

“The virus is essentially sentient, Harri. Your virus knows how much it hurts when people flinch because of your face. She wouldn’t partner you with someone who couldn’t handle you as you are, just like my virus refuses women who don’t meet his criteria.”

“Your virus has criteria, too? Like what? Vicious huntresses? I may have a scarred face, but I am excellent as hunting, on two feet and four.”

“That is definitely a turn on. I like competence and skill. So does my virus. You top the charts on the competence and skill chart. And if I could purr, I would have been in that sewing shop when you took out that wolf.”

“I was the queen of cool, calm, and collected on that hit. I’m so proud of myself.”

The elevator opened, and Sebastian checked the brochure we’d been given, which gave us a map of our floor, along with the information we needed to enjoy our visit to the spa. He pointed to the left. “Our room is about twenty miles that way. Also, your general behavior during a hit is part of why the CDC likes hiring you. Cool, calm, and collected is also highly professional.”

“I’m still surprised the CDC assigned you to me, especially considering we’re unmated lycanthropes.”

“Were, not are. We were unmated. We’re now happily mated. The CDC hires a lot of observant, competent people. My boss is particularly observant and competent. My boss recognized I was moodier and crankier than normal, so he started watching my file to figure out what was making me less moody and less cranky. Through the powers of deduction, and reports of me roaring at you over the phone, he concluded that despite appearances, which involved me being forced to the point of roaring from frustration, my conversations with you made me significantly less crabby. So, he sent me here in the hopes I would become happily mated to you. Let me note that there is a very strong emphasis on happily. I’m very happy today. I am sending my boss a nice Christmas present this year, and once I convince you to marry me, an invitation to our wedding.”

I considered my savings account, and assuming we pulled off the job, I could easily afford a wedding. A nice one, where I got to show off a pretty dress in front of all of my brothers and parents. And I could invite my uncles and their families, too. We could even do it at an actual venue rather than in the yard. “How big is your family?”

“Not as big as I would like, but it’s big enough. Lions don’t like staying unmated for long, and while most lionesses limit things to a child every fifteen to eighteen years, we’re long lived and tend to mate early. I’m considered to be a holdout, but that’s because after the first time I met you, I decided I would be keeping a close eye on you, which means I really didn’t have interest in other women. At the time, I hadn’t been planning on mating with you, but I had an interest.”

“My reaction to people flinching at my face?” I guessed.

“That was a big part of it, yes. I didn’t flinch, but when I saw you, I wondered what sort of hell you had endured to emerge with so many scars. I’d guessed a car accident rather than a fire. I hadn’t guessed your whole body is likewise scarred. And since the scars are a sore point, and I would only discuss them after you brought it up, I wasn’t going to ask. Nothing I had on you implied it was a result of domestic violence or an attack, so I tried not to worry about it much.”

“My family would not react well to anyone raising a hand against me. Unless we’re actively mating, in which case they’ll cheer me on and tell me to kick your ass so hard you retaliate and show me a good time. Because we’re lynxes, and that is encouraged.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. And make sure I swat you a time or two while a lion. To establish my physical superiority and goad you into indulging with me. Honestly, I’m liking general lynx behaviors. Lions are needy and indulge often, and it’s looking like my little lynx is in dire need of attention and indulgence.”

“I think you’re right. Lonely lynxes don’t purr often. I have been a very lonely lynx.”

“Those days are over, although I am hoping I’ll get some of your growls and hisses, too. I’m a lion, not a completely pampered prince. I like the whole package. The purrs are nice, but I want the growls, hisses, and every other sound I can get out of you, too.”

“Screaming.”

Sebastian stumbled a step. “What? Screaming?”

“Lynxes scream at each other as part of the violent little dance involving the creation of litters of kittens. Or for practice for the creation of litters of kittens. There is a lot of screaming involved. My parents notify everyone within at least a mile when they’re going at it as lynxes. The screaming is far less noticeable when they’re humans, but nobody even bothers calling the cops anymore. There’s a permanent note over at the police station that any screaming coming from the Wells property is probably a warning of more Wells kittens on the way. The louder and longer the screaming? The higher the chance of a new litter in development. If there’s a report of domestic violence at my parents’ place, the cops check the neighbors’ porches to see if there might actually be a problem. If there are lynxes piled on the porches of various neighbors’ porches, they just return to the station. It’s not worth pissing off amorous lynxes to confirm it’s just lynxes being lynxes.”

Sebastian snickered. “We’re going to need to get a home sufficiently distanced from our neighbors. Lions are loud. I’m amused I need to worry about if lynxes are louder.”

“I’m pretty sure we take the top prize for being loud and creepy. Lynxes sound horrifically like someone is being flayed alive. A lion’s roar? Loud but generally not a problem unless you’ve just pissed off a lion and you don’t want the lion pissed off at you. Me? I like pissing off one specific lion. I do not want other lions roaring at me.”

“That is because you’re smart.”