Page 83 of Hoofin’ It

“Oh no, kiddo. I don’t think so. This is far too entertaining. It seems you’ve been busy.” Dad jabbed the healing bite with his thumb. “Were you planning on sending us a wedding invitation or introducing us to your future bride?”

“I thought I’d give him an opportunity to date me properly first. We’re taking the backward approach. After sampling the wares, I thought a long-term investment was appropriate.” Marian chuckled, and I heard the rattle of chain. “I don’t suppose you could take these off, could you? My badge bunny hasn’t had his coffee yet, and he’s tired. I second Mr. Saven. Thank you for siring such a lovely man.”

“I’m going to be a badge bunny until the day I die, aren’t I?”

Marian laughed. “If you get a badge, we’ll take turns being the bunny. Until then, deal with it, badge bunny.”

“Hey, Dad? All women are she-devils, aren’t they?” I whispered.

“That didn’t take you long to figure out.” Dad sighed, and his weight shifted off me. A moment later, he grabbed me by the back of my shirt and hauled me to feet. “March.”

Until I drank a lot of coffee and got more sleep, resisting Dad was impossible. He escorted me to my couch and shoved me down beside my mother. Since I’d already lost the battle and the war, I abandoned what remained of my self-respect and used Mom’s lap as a pillow. “Good night.”

“Poor child.” Mom laughed and ruffled my hair. “I suppose I should apologize, Marian. It’s probably my father’s fault.”

“Hey, my grandfather contributed, too.” Dad pulled his keys from his pocket and released Marian, who stayed seated but rubbed her wrists. “I take it I’ll no longer be able to get the best market price for my son. Pity.”

I reached up, removed my fake eye, cleared my throat to catch my father’s attention, and rolled the sapphire sphere across the carpet. I pointed at it. “That’s my opinion of your current behavior.”

“Damn it, Shane. Will you stop doing that?” Dad retrieved my eye and carried it to the kitchen. “What the hell do you use to clean this damned thing off? That’s disgusting.”

“Water works. Stop being a baby. It’s not like it hurts if there’s dirt on it. Just put it on the counter. I’ll deal with it later. It’s just glass.”

“But then I have to look at you with an empty eye socket, and that’s creepy.”

“Why did you marry such a whiner, Mom?”

“Because I needed his services to have you, dear. Then I learned there were no refunds or exchanges. He has a certain amusement value. I do find it very entertaining you’re now a badge bunny. How do you like it?”

I sighed, wondering if there was a correct answer to her question. “I’m very tired right now. Give me coffee or give me death.”

Mom echoed my sigh. “Dear, stop playing with his eye and make your poor child a cup of coffee before he dies.”

“To be fair, Mrs. Gibson, he tried to make the first pot and drank three sips of hot water before figuring out he forgot to add the coffee grinds. The vampire used his weakness for seafood against him.”

“What did they use against you?”

“I was easy. Just look at him. If I hadn’t laid claim, someone else would have. It doesn’t hurt I also like seafood. It was eat the food or starve, and neither one of us had had anything to eat.”

Laughing, Mom patted my shoulder. “Hear that, Shane? Finding a nice girl wasn’t nearly as hard as you thought.”

“She bit me.”

“You probably deserved it.”

She was right. No matter what I said, I couldn’t win. “It was a succubus’s fault.”

“The incubus helped, too,” Marian reminded me. “But you’re right. If that succubus hadn’t been there, I probably wouldn’t have bitten you at that moment. That, plus you deserved it.”

Unfortunately for me, I could barely remember my own name, so the full details of the night, morning, and anything prior to passing out in bed were a bit blurred. “Yeah, I opened my mouth and said the wrong thing. I deserved a bite. Did I get sufficient payback yet?”

Marian’s chuckle promised either retribution or something better, but I wasn’t sure which. “I’m satisfied.”

Laughing, Mom patted my shoulder, worked her way out from under me, and smacked me with one of my throw pillows. “I’ll remember this the next time you decide to sleep in a stall with one of our animals because you’re too embarrassed to stay in the house.”

“Some animals are—”

“Shane,” Marian growled.