Page 2 of Hoofin’ It

Bastards.

“All right. I’d rather not see it destroyed for circumstances out of its control. I’d like to make arrangements to claim the animal if no owners are located.”

One day I would learn to mind my own business. The cops stared at me, looked at each other, and the oldest stepped away, talking to someone on his radio. The remaining cops resumed questioning me, repeating the conversation five or six times before they came to the conclusion I really had no idea why a man’s body had fallen from a skyscraper and crashed through the windshield of a car stuck in traffic.

Or why a miniature llama was hogtied with duct tape in the back of the car.

The oldest cop returned, shook his head, and sighed. “If you want that thing, it’s yours. Leave us your contact information should anyone with legal documentation proving ownership comes forward. By law, you are required to keep the animal in your possession for a minimum of twenty business days. If these terms are acceptable to you, you’ll need to come to the station to sign some paperwork.”

What the hell was I going to do with a spitting miniature llama for twenty business days? Clenching my teeth, I regarded the surly animal still trapped in the back of the car. It glared at me, and the fires of hell burned in its dark eyes. “They’re acceptable.”

The third time was a charm. It spit; I dodged and went to work extricating the animal from its grisly prison.

My new pet, which I learned was an alpaca rather than a demonic miniature llama, weighed a hundred and ten pounds and hated everyone, especially men, with a vengeance. I spent almost two hundred dollars for a vet to tell me she was a female, she seemed to be young, and would need to be sheared within the next few weeks or her coat would become unwieldy and uncomfortable.

At least my two hundred bought her a round of vaccinations, which she protested with squeals and spits. My hold on her ratty halter kept her from biting anyone. Strips of duct tape still clung to her legs, but I would remove the adhesive with some patience and a pair of scissors later—after I convinced her I wasn’t actually the devil.

Then again, once I stuffed her in the back of a rental van and carted her halfway across the country, the poor thing would probably hate me for the rest of her life. Since my hotel wouldn’t allow an alpaca to stay in my room, I convinced one of the cops to write me a little note suggesting management release me from my reservation without penalty.

Freeing her from her duct tape bindings must have earned me a few points because the she-devil stopped spitting on me and didn’t try to bite me once.

The rental company charged me an extra three hundred to transport an alpaca in one of their vehicles. To add insult to injury, they doubled my deposit due to my vision impairment, making it clear half-blind men were lucky to be allowed to drive. By ten at night, I was ready to hit the road, although I wasn’t looking forward to three days of traveling with an animal in dire need of a bath.

At least the back of the van came equipped with mounting brackets, which were perfect for tethering my alpaca so she wouldn’t be able to climb over the seats and assault me while I was driving. Once she was secured, I slid behind the wheel and made the phone call certain to add a little bit more suck to an already shitty day.

My mother answered on the third ring. “Hello?”

“Hey, Mom.”

“The last time you called, you’d just had your eye scooped out. You refused to bring it home in a jar for me.”

At least my glass replacement made it possible for me to blink—and close my eyes so I could enjoy the illusion of normality. “That’s disgusting.”

“That’s what your father said. How could you resist the chance to keep an actual human eye on your desk? It’s a trophy. Sure, you lost your eye, but you saved three lives. That’s something to be proud of. Come on, Shane. I raised you better than that.”

Given five minutes, my mother could always find a silver lining in any cloud. “Why aren’t you in an institution yet, Mom?”

“You’d get bored if you sent me away.”

“First, I haven’t needed to call you because you call me every morning at exactly two minutes after eight. This couldn’t wait until tomorrow morning.”

“You mean you actually need something?”

I bumped my head against the steering wheel. “Yes, I do.”

“Is it my birthday?”

“No. It’s not your birthday.” Once I popped my question, she’d consider it Christmas in April. “Can you take this seriously for a change?”

“I always take coercion and blackmail seriously, Shane. I thought you knew this by now. If you’re asking me for help, I intend to get something really good out of it.”

To the rest of the world, my mother was an upright citizen, a police officer, and the perfect wife and mother. To me, she was everything right and wrong with my life and half the reason I’d become a cop in the first place. Dad was the other half of the reason, and since I couldn’t hear him howling in the background, I assumed he was on duty. “I can’t believe you have everyone fooled into thinking you’re actually a good cop, Mom.”

“Now you’re just being snide. Aren’t you about to ask me for a favor? I could just wax poetic about how I have such a wonderful son who’s a capable, independent adult, who comes home for Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Easter and doesn’t bother anyone, not even when he’s recovering from losing his eye in a different state.”

Unless I got to the point quickly, she’d serenade me with every one of my achievements before circling around to the fact she didn’t have my eye in a jar on her desk. If I got lucky, she’d call my grandmother and bring her into the discussion. The only thing worse than my mother on the warpath was my mother’s mother joining in.

I wasn’t sure if I loved or hated the woman sometimes. “A man fell from a skyscraper, busted through a windshield, and killed the people in the car while I was touring Times Square today. As a result, I am now the guardian of an alpaca for the next twenty business days. I thought I’d come visit you, with my new pet alpaca, for the next twenty business days. Then, because you’re such a wonderful mother, you’ll help me find a good home for the alpaca I’m legally required to keep for the next twenty business days.”