Page 83 of A Chip on Her Shoulder

“What are you having?”

“Steak, steak, and more steak. I might have a potato for variety, but I enjoy steak very much.”

Since he’d picked for me, I pointed at the salads. “And a salad. We should both have a salad so we’re pretending we’re eating healthily.”

“We don’t have to eat healthily.”

“But salads taste good, especially when they’re slathered with creamy dressings and bacon. There’s bacon on these salads, Lucifer. There’s egg and cheese, too.”

“You’re going to make me eat a salad, aren’t you?”

“The salad will help me pretend I’m not indulging in an act of gluttony. What are the fucking assholes doing?”

“Gallo has positioned himself so he has a good view of you. He has no idea what to make of me, as I do not match the type of people your brother would associate with, and he’s convinced you would only associate with people your brother knows. I am dressed too well, and he is confused about where you acquired your apparel.”

“That is so bizarre. Why?”

“From what I can glean from his surface thoughts, he had been cultivating Jonas to serve as one of his underlings, but Jonas was proving resistant to some of his more ruthless schemes, so he removed the problem. Apparently, he’d noticed you earlier than your brother’s transformation into a chipmunk. His treatment of your brother was to test you more than anything.”

“Listening to people’s thoughts is a rather convenient ability, isn’t it?” It was well enough I couldn’t hear Gallo’s thoughts, as it would likely result in me trying to throw the entire damned table at him.

“He wants to strip you out of your dress, and I find this to be very irritating.” The Devil sighed, shook his head, and glared at the menu. “I’ll get us the mixed appetizer platter, too. If we have leftovers, so be it.”

“You want to strip me out of my dress, too,” I reminded him.

“Yes, but I wish to do so in a mutually beneficial fashion, and when I’m finished with you, I would tuck you into my bed and continue to shower you with affection. He does not have any good will towards you, and he is only concerned with himself. He is a most selfish human being. He disgusts me, really.”

I needed to get my hands on a weapon, occupy the Devil with some task, and take the bastard out. “What a creep. Are you sure I can’t beat him to a near-death state with a baseball bat?”

“You would kill him, and then you would become annoyed you are bereft of a new fish for your trophy room. You will be more satisfied should you keep him alive.”

“But I’m very motivated to kill him right now.”

He chuckled and closed his menu. “That you are. I will have to call Belial again. It appears he intends to grab your brother and use him as leverage after making certain you are poisoned this time. He also plans on poisoning me, although with the intent of getting rid of me, who he rightly views as competition.”

“Can’t he at least try to be creative?”

“His poison is quite creative, truth be told. He does deserve credit for its manufacture.”

“Can the credit be my foot inserted into his ass, heel first?”

The Devil considered my question, his eyes narrowing. “I’m intrigued. Would you be wearing that dress while you’re giving him credit?”

“It would be a shame if I were to get blood on this dress. I’d probably need to wear something else. This dress is really nice, and I don’t want to destroy it.”

“Magic can remove blood from fabrics, and your dress would emerge from its bloody debut intact.”

“Will my brother be all right?”

“I will ask Belial to keep a watch on the situation and help teach your brother how best to defend himself.” The Devil glowered at his phone, muttered a few curses, and dialed. “These humans are annoying idiots. There will be some who wish to bring harm to my new pet. Take care of them and move them into Darlene’s trophy room. Yes, you may handle the matter personally, and don’t feel a need to hold back. I tire of this nonsense.” He returned his phone to his pocket. “Some days, I regret having delved a little too far into the future, but I couldn’t bear to be caught with one of those most annoying bricks mortals are currently using for portable phones. Tell your fellow humans to hurry up and design more sophisticated things. It’s most annoying having to trick the humans into believing I’m using their backwater technology.”

I bet. “Yours is pretty convenient.”

“I’m very spoiled, so I need convenience, and I need my convenience to be elegant.”

“Belial won’t mind watching Jonas?”

“Not at all, and it solves some problems. We’ll take care of the idiots at the other table, and I’m debating conjuring you a baseball bat.”