Page 65 of A Chip on Her Shoulder

“Yes, him. Belial has handled his imprisonment, and against my general wishes, I am saving him for you to deal with. Belial is making a concoction to transform him and a few accomplices into fish for your amusement. I have also put in some orders for everything required for your trophy room.”

“You should offer gloating time for the devils and demons who dislike Alloces when they please you, and let me put some thought into who gets to clean their habitats.”

“Magic will handle cleaning their habitats. I have decided you will not have to do any cleaning to enjoy your trophies, although you can feed them at your pleasure—or not.”

“I’ll make them accept food from devils and demons they really hate. Also for my amusement.”

The Devil chuckled. “If that’s what you’d like. I am sure I can find volunteers to feed your fish.”

“Make it clear if they cross me, I’ll be feeding them to my fish, too. There’s no reason I can’t reward my pets with good behavior.”

Phenexia giggled, and she covered her mouth. “She’s rather vindictive for a mortal.”

“That she is. It takes spirit to come storming my gates for some classic revenge. Her plans for revenge were thoroughly disrupted, so I will have to make that up to her for when she regroups and tries again. She is not the kind to give up until she’s satisfied.”

The succubus nodded. “I see. There’s still the matter of the other succubi.”

“I thought it was pretty obvious I’ve already made my decision. Darlene just likes being bossy and gave Belial instructions, and because Belial is one of the smarter devils around here, he did as told. That plus he enjoys chaos a little more than he should, and honestly? Watching the succubi all try to lock themselves in unholy matrimony is hilarious. You? You I can see tolerating monogamy for a chance to bang an angel and a human in a twisted threesome, but most of that lot? Greed is considered a sin for a reason, and while I’m a fond supporter of greed and general sin, they seem to have forgotten some key details about what it entails to be my wife.”

Giggling, Phenexia nodded. “When Belial mentioned this insanity to me, I’ll admit, I laughed. I didn’t think any of them would actually consider it or compete with each other to get your attention. I opted against reminding them they’d hate being monogamous. You’re about as bad as a triad. No, you’re worse. Triads tend to fall apart after the mortal’s death. You tend to have a lengthy attention span with a dislike of failure.”

“You would think the succubi would have remembered those things, but no. So much fawning.”

“I’ve noticed he doesn’t like fawning. Really, he likes being pushed around, and you have to dole out his rewards in small increments, else he will become even more egotistical than he already is. I haven’t known him long, and I’ve already figured this out. He’s a simple man to manage.”

“It disturbs me how accurately and quickly you have determined how you will manage him,” the succubus admitted.

“He needs a lot of management. If you need a place to live, and you’re willing to move your man and angel to America, it seems I have a new residence, so you can rent my house. Someone needs to take care of it, and it’s not in a bad location. And a frugal man could probably support his two wives without them having to work. It wouldn’t be easy, but it could be done. Your rent would basically be the maintenance costs, property taxes, and utilities.”

Phenexia’s eyes widened. “You would do that for me?”

“Well, do you think this lout is planning on letting me out of his bedroom anytime soon?” I asked, pointing at the Devil with my coffee. “I’ve the word of an archangel he’s clingy, and I need someone to take care of my house, so we’re all happy. It’s a nice little house, and you can have a child or two comfortably. Or, at least, I was comfortable in it growing up. Don’t ask my brother for his opinion. He’ll complain because he’s spoiled.”

The Devil sighed. “You’re a fixer. What have I brought into my home? I’ve been tricked.”

I shrugged and sipped my coffee. “You’re the one with the spot fetish. I’m just solving the problem of who will take care of my house when I’m here making sure you do what I say.”

“I love her,” the succubus announced. “If you let her get away, I will be very upset with you, Lucifer.”

“I don’t have to teach her how to teleport once she’s properly converted. That should keep her where she belongs. I’m debating how to go about the proper conversion process, however.” The Devil eyed me. “I might borrow some tricks from the unicorns. Their preferred method is quite entertaining, and I could take my time and do a very thorough job. If I keep her exhausted, she can’t run away. I’ll provide iced coffee so she’s happy with her exhaustion, and I’ll give her a comfortable place to lounge while admiring her fish.”

“He means exhaust you in bed,” the succubus announced. “Unicorns seduce their unconverted mates and continue to seduce them over a period of several years until their magic essentially infects their lover and transforms them into a unicorn. Sharing blood is also done, takes a shorter period of time, but generally is the least preferred method because unicorns could give incubi and succubi a run for their money. Lucifer specifically bars us from meddling with unicorns. They are a determined species, monogamous, and long-lived. The last time Lucifer had to rescue a succubus, the stallion tried to follow her back here, and the whining was significant.”

“Is significant,” the Devil corrected. “I kicked Isabelle out and told her she could come back in a thousand or so years, at the end of her unicorn’s natural lifespan. I warned her not to flirt with a stallion. It’s all on her that she went and fell in love with him, and well, once a stallion picks his mare, he’s in it for life. Unicorns make angels look like beginners in the loyalty game. And when his lifespan does come to a close, I’m going to have to find her another unicorn, and do you have any idea how hard it is to find an available stallion? I’m going to have to intervene or deal with the crying, and I hate when succubi cry. So, they’re now banned from engaging in any relationships with unicorns without permission.”

“Which means you have a bunch of incubi and succubi hunting for a unicorn?” I guessed.

“They have not been successful, as unicorns are sneaky. But I’m doing good work with them. I’ve helped the standard unicorns, now I need to work on the cindercorns. They’re critically endangered, and I really like the cindercorns.”

“Cindercorns?”

“They’re carnivorous fire-breathing unicorns. I’ll have to do significant meddling to help them out.”

“Aren’t you the Devil? Why are you helping unicorns?”

“I really like unicorns,” he announced. “I refuse to be ashamed of my love of unicorns and the glorious chaos they bring, especially when it’s time for them to settle down. They’re also important to the natural life cycle. Many unicorns, frankly spoken, are whores until it’s time for them to settle down, then they take a sharp left turn into extreme monogamy. I warned Isabelle she would develop a severe case of monogamy if she toyed with a stallion, and she didn’t listen to me. What would I know? I’m just nosy, worse than any one of their fathers, overbearing, and obviously deranged.”

I needed more coffee, and I drank mine down, crossed his sitting room to the coffee table by the couches and armchairs, and set it down. “You are overbearing and obviously deranged.”