Page 57 of A Chip on Her Shoulder

“You will forget this bargain in its entirety until an opportunity comes for the seed to be properly planted. I do not wish for my son or all of the angels of my heavens to be aware of what I do. They believe, in truth, my son cannot produce fruit, and there is some importance that their belief remains as such. The child you safeguarded will be my son’s first venture into fatherhood, yet another deed of your hand, and your first experience of what it is like to be a mother. You will remember the important details as necessary, so you might act when the time is right. She will be of great importance one day. She will also make an excellent babysitter.”

Kanika. “This is an elaborate prank, basically. But the prank is a baby?” I frowned. “Multiple babies, if you count Kanika and the seed.”

He remained silent for a long moment, and His soft chuckle skirted giggle territory. “Kanika is not of my making, but she is special and deserving of your safekeeping. Your future child? I will merely state you are deserving of it. My son will be most pleasantly surprised after he rages, as he will make ridiculous assumptions despite knowing, without even the shadow of a doubt, you are incapable of being disloyal, just as he is incapable of disloyalty. He will annoy you, and you will make him sleep in your den until he chills his temper. You will enjoy yourself, for I made you as you are to best handle his fits of temper. When he has chilled his temper, he will realize what has occurred. Then I will get scolded most severely, and the heavens and hells will both wait with bated breath to see if the End of Days begins. It won’t of course, as my son will be too busy fretting over how to be a father, a problem he doesn’t believe possible, nor will he until that moment. This is truly a gift to myself, and I will enjoy it immensely.”

“Jesus Christ on a cracker. This is one fucked up and dysfunctional family.” I froze, realizing what I’d blurted. Heaving a sigh, I bowed my head. “I’m sorry. My mouth is going to get me blasted out of existence, isn’t it?”

“Why would I go through so much trouble to provide you and my son with a seed only to blast you out of existence? The whole point of this is to prevent you from being blasted out of existence.”

Right. “Can we go back to the part about me and your son having a child together in the first place?”

“You charmed him from the moment you invaded his home. As he is a greedy, selfish being, he wants to keep you all to himself, and he plans to work hard to secure you as his. As you enjoy his attention, you will not mind him following you around, thus encouraging his advances. This will result in the formation of mutual affections. Of course, you have stirred the ire of his succubi, and they will become an annoyance to you when they flirt with my son. You are a jealous being. I made you that way quite on purpose, for my jealous son requires a jealous woman. Of course, my son will also pretend to stray to enjoy your jealousy, for he understands its source. You will recognize that he does not actually stray, but his posturing will annoy you enough your fur will stand on end. That will draw his attention back to you, and he will take a great deal of time toying with your spots. I have created the ultimate infinite loop of affection. I am quite proud of this working, if you must know. You are a jewel among all of my creations.”

“I was right. This is seriously one fucked up and dysfunctional family. And I’m not even going to remember most of this conversation?”

“You will not, not for some time. One day, you will remember the entirety of this conversation, but that day will be many years in the making. But when the seed is ready to be planted, you will know what to do and how to go about it. You’ll enjoy yourself, I’m sure. My other sons will also enjoy themselves when you come knocking at their doors to handle various favors for you, and they will be eager to do their various duties as uncles. They are all alike in that regard. They love being fathers and uncles. Or mothers and aunts, should the right human man cross their paths. I encourage them perhaps too often.”

Wow. While the Devil earned parts of his reputation, He was something else. “You’re an asshole, aren’t you?”

He laughed. “Through your eyes, I suppose I am. It is not unreasonable for you to think such thoughts about me. I do not mind. You are justified, for I have manipulated every element of your existence, all so my son might find some peace through you.”

“Peace? Don’t you mean eternal frustration? It sounds like you’re setting him up for a severe case of eternal frustration. I know me. I’m pretty damned frustrating.”

“Peace, eternal frustration… whatever makes him happy. You and your spots will accomplish that. Then you will encourage him to bring Kanika into his life as a cherished daughter and his heir as a method of completing a bargain he has made, although some of your choices will annoy him for a while. He will not like when anything brings harm to his little cupcake.”

Laughter bubbled out of me. “His little cupcake?”

“My son is a sentimental creature with a fondness for sweets. This name will annoy her, which will goad him into using it often. There is reason I gifted you with patience. You will need it. Most importantly, having Kanika as my son’s heir will allow for the seed you bear to be a child born of love rather than duty.”

“I missed the memo about me going along with this.”

“You will. The first time you witness a succubus trying to lay a claim on my son, you will understand I speak the truth. And do not try to convince me you were not wanting to remove my son’s clothes.”

Crap. “You do not play fair.”

“I do not, not on matters of importance.”

“I expect Christmas presents yearly, and birthday presents would be nice. If I have to put up with your son, I should be pampered the two days of the year presents are commonly given.”

“If you wish to bargain, perhaps you should bargain for something that falls beyond traditional familial customs. Even Lucifer receives gifts for most holidays. You are my favorite of my gifts.”

“I’m now a present for him?”

“You were born on the same day I breathed life into his seed and welcomed him into my heavens, although thousands of years separate you. The day you stormed his gates is the same as his fall. This was no accident. I moved the seas so the ship would arrive precisely when it did, and I made other arrangements so that your brother would face his fate when he did, although I did not need to do much on that score. I have listened to your every breath so I would not miss the moment you would witness my son in his glory, for only I can ensure you stay on the right side of death’s cold boundary. I have put many plans into motion, all so this moment could come. Your soul will suffer for a time, but you will one day truly thrive in my son’s glory.”

I raised a brow at that. “And here I thought my desire to rampage and kill a bunch of assholes was mean. That’s downright evil.”

“Not precisely. Evil would have been nudging events so your brother faced his death rather than transformation. Rather than anger, you would have faced grief had I not interfered. Your revenge will lead to much good and justice once you can go about your business properly. You will get to try that again. The seeds of a tolerable plan were planted, although my son’s less obedient devil and that succubus interrupt it rather thoroughly.”

“Well, since you’re here and being pretty helpful, how do you think I should handle this?”

“Personally, I believe flushing them into your septic system would be a great deal more merciful, but as they deserve their fate as your trophies, I view it as an early start to their owed punishments. They have no place in my heavens. As for that pesky devil, should he be destroyed in a moment of my son’s fury, a better seed can be created to take its place. To keep my son from whining, I shall handle that matter when he looks the other way. It is an important enough seed.”

How had my life taken such an odd and dark turn? I cringed at the thought of my family, and if I had not learned their souls had moved on to new lives, I would’ve believed they rolled in their graves. “My father would be pretty disappointed in me for not being a good little girl, going to hell and all.”

“You are not just going to hell, Darlene. You will be ruling it.”

If my father found out He loved the Devil, wanted His son to find happiness, and meant to use me to do it, he’d die from a second heart attack. “That doesn’t make this any better!”