Page 78 of Grave Humor

“Men, particularly husbands, are constant sources of frustration. As he is not yet your husband, you can trade him in for a different model if he doesn’t live up to your expectations. Once married, especially to the annoying immortal types such as these two men, you tend to be stuck with them. I was thoroughly tricked, and now I have to make the most of it. My spots are a most effective tool at keeping him tolerable. If he isn’t tolerable, he doesn’t get to see the spots let alone count them. They’re an effective disciplining tool.”

The devil sighed. “They really are. I like those spots too much for my own good.”

“You’re a pest,” Darlene informed her husband.

“But I forgot about the node. Shouldn’t we know where it is before he gets here?” I asked. “Won’t it be problematic if he acquires it?”

“It weighs about six thousand pounds. It’s not going anywhere, Anwen,” the devil replied. “And it’s not like knowing where the node is will help him. Nodes have power, but what he wants is an impossibility. This node isn’t like some, which are basically magical batteries. This one takes potential and gives them life—in the right circumstances. It could give him the raw magical power required to accomplish his goals, but it would break the universe, and that sort of thing is annoying. Anyway, he had his chance, and he squandered it. More accurately, he didn’t realize he had his chance. The Book of Life is outside of his reach, the fates are off doing whatever they want, and the facets of death all have a rather strong dislike of him. You did put the Book of Life back where it belongs, Azrael?”

“It’s fine. The mausoleum, as Anwen thinks of it, is properly warded against mortals wandering into it. That won’t stop the perceptive, the determined, or the divine from paying it a visit, but you won’t have random townsfolk walking in at their whim.”

I frowned. “Wait. What do you mean by taking potential and giving them life?”

The devil reached over and pressed his finger to my nose. “You’re a potential. Every mortal—and immortal—is a potential. Your seed is a potential that has the opportunity to grow in the right conditions. In your case, your potential bloomed as the universe intended, with the node aiding the efforts. You no longer need the node to reach your full potential; its work is done.”

“It’s depleted, isn’t it?” Eoghan asked.

“Not quite, although Azrael’s little display at the cemetery used up most of the excess power it had. It will spend the rest of this emergence recharging, after which you’ll find this property suitable for remaining awake until the next emergence.”

Eoghan sucked in a breath. “That’s a pretty powerful node, Lucy. I’m usually among the first to go dormant.”

“I would say it’s less powerful and really good at its one trick. Your Anwen has been grooming it for most of her life without knowing it, and things she likes, it will like—and she likes you. Your range won’t be too far outside of Sunset when this emergence collapses, but I think you’ll find the restrictions tolerable.”

I’d been doing what to the node? I tossed a melon rind at the devil, smacking him in the head with it. “I have not been grooming anything!”

“Wrong type of grooming,” Darlene said with laughter in her voice. “He means you’ve kept the node company, and it likes you. That’s all. He wasn’t trying to be a pervert this time. Usually, he does—but not this time. That might be a miracle.”

The devil rubbed his forehead where I’d hit him with the rind. “You’re such a pervert, Anwen.”

My face flushed. “I am not!”

“You’re the one who assumed I meant you were sexually grooming and potentially assaulting a node.”

I grabbed my next slice of honey rock, devoured it in record time, and flung the rind at the devil. “You’re evil.”

Rather than allow it to smack him in the head again, the devil caught the projectile and set it on the cutting board. “And you have good aim with those melons. You should save some of that as ammunition for when Hammel arrives.”

“Why would I at all share my honey rocks with him? He might get to enjoy the juice should I hit him with the rind. I should go collect rocks to throw at him.” I grunted. “What am I supposed to do when he gets here? Should I just call the cops and let them deal with him?”

“You have two facets of death here who would be more than willing to aid you with today’s activities.”

“Darlene, make him deal with the asshole. I don’t want the asshole ruining our picnic,” I whined.

The snow leopard tossed her head back and laughed. “You don’t like beating around the bush, do you?”

“Not if he’s…” I frowned and considered my weed whacker. “Is it possible to kill someone with a weed whacker?”

“Yes,” the devil replied. “It is absolutely possible to kill someone with a weed whacker, especially if it has been imbued with holy and devilish fire.”

I turned to Eoghan. “Have you ever killed someone with a weed whacker before?”

“Until today, I have never seen a weed whacker, so no, I can’t say I’ve killed someone in such a fashion.”

“We could kill him with the weed whacker,” I suggested.

“I see you are not very concerned about Hammel’s fate,” Eoghan replied.

“The fucker tried to kill me. Turnabout is fair play, and I’ve decided I’m meaner than he is. I’ll go back to being shy and nice later, after he’s gone and stops trying to kill me. And he kidnapped me. Two strikes. Three strikes, he’s out—and coming to my property, probably to try to either kidnap or kill me again, is definitely the third strike. I have better things to do than worry about whether or not he is going to try to kidnap or kill me again. Or hit me over the head. Or try to feed me to a vampire.”