Page 70 of Grave Humor

“I think I’ve mostly figured it out,” the vampire confessed. “But I’m not fully certain, so I’m not ready to share my theory yet. I believe it’ll be confirmed soon enough—and if you don’t figure it out on your own, I’ll explain my theory. I could be wrong.”

“Is it detrimental to any of us?”

“No, I don’t think so. It’s just strange.”

I’d lived and breathed strange since beginning my work at the funeral home. “Then it’ll keep for a few nights. I’m ready for bed. Gordon, should Hammel show up, drain the fucker dry. Just do it on the front lawn and when the police ask, request an angel and tell him you were acting in defense of another.”

Eoghan laughed. “I love how you are finding a way to get away with premeditated murder and feeding our companion properly.”

“Is that feeding him properly? Gordon would be sacrificing his stomach for us. Hammel can’t be good for his digestion.”

Both the vampire and the antique considered my words, and as one, they nodded their agreement with my assessment.

I smiled and headed to bed, wondering what tomorrow would bring.

Sixteen

Fire can purify anything.

I needed to take my sense of curiosity, stab it in the back, dump it in a hole, fill the hole with acid, and wait until it was reduced to an oozing puddle, and bury it. Had I been wise, I would have hired a demolition crew to handle my parents’ house.

My parents were a lot of things, but they could smell a good deal just as well as I could smell the rotting garbage and dead animals in the basement. Garbage removal cost in town, something that annoyed me on a good week, and my parents’ solution to the problem was to turn the basement into a landfill.

Death was too good of a fate for those bastards.

“Well,” Eoghan said, pinching his nose closed before braving the steps, which creaked beneath him. In his other hand, he wielded a flashlight, which he pointed at the refuse filling the once large but barren concrete room. “I recommend fire. Fire can purify anything, even this.”

“Burning it is illegal,” I replied, heaving a sigh over my misfortune. Eoghan’s light revealed the decaying corpses of several raccoons, which had likely fallen into the basement from a gap in the wall to die. Of what, I couldn’t tell. Water dripped from a leaky pipe overhead, and it was only a matter of time before the ceiling caved in. “I wonder if I could convince the government to give me an exception. I think you’re right. Purification by flames is the only choice.”

“This is vile.”

“Ain’t that the truth. I’m glad we left Gordon at the other house. Nobody deserves to see this. It’s a health hazard. Get back up here before those stairs collapse. I am so sorry I thought we should check the basement first.”

“Well, at least we know what the smell is,” Eoghan replied, and after a moment of hesitation, he retreated to me, and he shuddered. “Your parents are despicable beings.”

“Now they’re somewhat rich despicable beings. Rich enough to not bother me for a while at least.”

“Money well spent, if this is at all a reflection of their souls.”

I considered the garbage and rotting raccoons. “I think it may be.”

“I hope the rest of the house is not as deplorable. We might need to call upon the heavenly host to deal with it should it be much worse. Will any sane human of this era accept money to deal with this mess?”

“Surprisingly, yes.”

“Is money that scarce in this era?”

I shrugged. “My parents certainly think so.”

“I do not believe they are good examples of humans in any era.”

“I’m not arguing with you, although I probably should. They are my parents, however bad they are at being parents.”

“They are two humans who indulged in lust and produced a child. That doesn’t make them parents. I would say the evil horned one is a better parent, especially compared to them.”

“The evil horned one?” the devil complained, manifesting in the hallway at the top of the stairwell. “That was a most excellent attempt at avoiding my attention, Eoghan. I must give you that.”

Eoghan sighed. “You again?”