Page 38 of Grave Humor

“You will not,” the antique replied, and he got out of my truck. “The fault is with me, as I stared longer than is polite, which she rightfully interpreted as my interest in this truck. She growls, and she roars. I’ve been told there are horses under the hood. Several hundred of them. They’re not literal horses, which is a pity. We have made purchases. Would you help us move them into the house, please?”

As instructed by the devil, I grabbed the end of the flaming rope lashing everything down and gave a tug. It stung, but it unraveled, bathing my hands in blue light before vanishing. I lowered the tailgate and scratched my head, wondering how we’d get everything out without breaking anything.

Gordon joined me, and he whistled. “I see you were not exaggerating.”

“Almost everything is fragile,” I warned.

“Then I will carry it with upmost care.” The vampire grabbed the television’s box, pulled it to him, and lifted it as though it weighed nothing rather than its awkward hundred pounds. He marched to the front door, and Eoghan opened it, allowing the vampire to head inside.

That simplified things. I grabbed the first bag of groceries from the cab and began ferrying everything to the kitchen while I let the men handle the electronics. Within thirty minutes, my living room had everything needed to become an entertainment lover’s dream come true, I had a desktop computer on my desk in the bedroom, and I’d have enough toys to keep three adults amused for possibly all of eternity.

Huh. Who knew almost dying could bring such good fortune?

Well, mostly. I had a devil problem on my hands, an incubus who wanted me to be friends with his wife, and an antique I’d have to figure out if I wanted to keep around for life or seduce before I died of old age—a real enough risk if I believed the devil.

Strangely enough, I did.

Huh. The Lord of Lies came across as a disgustingly honest fellow.

Once everything was inside and I locked Lady Luck, I grabbed the ripest honey rock, got out my cutting board, and cut it in half to reveal its delicious flesh. I scooped out the seeds, put them in a baggie, and put them on the counter in the slim chance I could somehow make them grow in my yard. Then, as I was not a complete monster, I shared with Gordon and Eoghan, who followed me around like a pair of sad, lost puppies.

“This is a honey rock. Just a taste for you, Gordon, since I don’t want to make you sick. It’s not blood, so it’s not good for you.”

“You say that as though you mean well by me, but in reality, you say that so you have more for yourself,” the vampire teased.

“You’re absolutely fucking correct.” I gave him a thin slice, and as I liked Eoghan but not enough to give him an entire half a honey rock, I gave him a quarter served in narrow slices. If he behaved, I would even consider cracking open a second one for him. “You’re getting this much because it gives me an excuse to make more if you like it.”

“Clever,” Eoghan replied, accepting my offering and sitting at the table. “How does one eat this?”

I grabbed one of my slices and chomped on it, closing my eyes at its sweet juices, which dripped down my chin and all over my plate. I’d lick the plate after, as I couldn’t waste even a drop of my delicious treat. I chomped to the rind, nibbled as much as the good flesh from my slice as I could, discarded the unwanted bits, and snatched my next piece. “Like that.”

If they wanted more instruction, they’d have to ask after I finished stuffing myself with my precious honey rock.

“It is much like watching a starved wolf fall upon a doe with a broken leg. Quick, brutal, and efficient, partnered with a determination to prevent other scavengers from partaking of her prize.” Eoghan took a bite of his, his expression thoughtful. “For all the times have changed and this era is not like my past, it seems women still love sweet things.”

Damn straight I loved sweet things. Another slice fell prey to my appetite. “I have many honey rocks to eat in several days. You might be able to convince me to eat other food, but you would need to give me a damned good reason.”

Gordon laughed and tried his, and the vampire ate his entire slice before setting his rind aside. “That is good, and I can see why you would buy so many. I do have to admit, when I saw you bring them in, I wondered why such an obsession with cantaloupes.”

“These are honey rocks, and they transcend all other melons.”

“It is clear these are your obsession. Can you get them all of the time?” Eoghan asked, and unlike me, he took his time with his share of my melon.

I devoured another slice, as the only way I could ensure its safety was to consume it immediately. “Mostly. Honey rocks are a type of musk melon, a fancier relative of the standard cantaloupe, which are usually available. These are usually called a cantaloupe despite not really being one. I like honey rocks better than cantaloupe because they’re sweeter and more delicate in flavor. I’m going to try to grow some myself.”

When working at the funeral home, I’d been too tired, stressed, and poor to even think about trying to turn my yard into a viable garden.

“Ah, planting is something I have skills at. I can help you.”

I stared at Eoghan with wide eyes. “We’re going to have to make a trip to the hardware store this weekend, as I have no supplies. But I would love to have a garden in the back.”

“That is because you are wise, and having a garden means you have a supply of your own food. I remember those days well. Starving is not something someone forgets, even with time. Or they shouldn’t. It is a good motivation to never return to those days.”

I nodded, grabbed another slice, and went to work getting it into my stomach where it belonged.

“Try not to make yourself sick. I, too, remember that.”

“I have a difficult time imagining you starving,” Gordon admitted.