Page 34 of Grave Humor

“Already?”

“We dodged it by a breath.” The devil rolled his shoulders. “We did reach the trigger this time, but we stepped back from the point of no return.”

Eoghan huffed. “Marvelous. And to think I may have slept through it. Why are you here?”

“This is an era of new experiences. I’m experiencing something new. Some think you’re the devil, and until now, they’ve never seen us together in the same room. Now Anwen can confirm she’s seen you and the devil sharing the same space, and because we both like Anwen, we won’t even try to kill each other.”

“You truly believe you’re funny, don’t you?” Eoghan sighed. “Must you be here?”

“Old prejudices die hard, Anwen. You’ll have your hands full trying to unteach those bad habits of his. In many of the eras he lived, I had such a foul reputation. Unearned, even. Do I look like I eat children to you?”

“It wouldn’t surprise me,” I replied, leading the way to the cell store serving Sunset. “I see you two know of each other.”

“We are related closer than he might like,” the devil announced in an amused tone. “I considered showing up earlier, but my daughter was right in the middle of her latest rant, and she absolutely hates when I ditch on her in the middle of her rants. She’s a delight, and she hates when I enjoy when she’s trying to put me in my place.”

“Who would like something like that?” I asked.

“Me. I do. It makes life fun.”

Eoghan sighed. “You must have a purpose coming here. What is it, Lucifer?”

“Lucy, please. It annoys my daughter when I embrace one of her wretched nicknames for me, and that one turns heads while making my wife laugh.”

“Fine, Lucy. What do you want?”

“Can’t I be a benevolent being because I want to?”

Wrinkling his nose, Eoghan kept close to my side while glaring at the devil. “No. You’re Lucifer. You’re the Lord of Lies. You are not benevolent.”

“I’m misunderstood more than anything else. Just because I’ve disobeyed and do what I want doesn’t mean I’m not benevolent. I’m disobedient. Those are two different things. Just because I’m the jail warden doesn’t mean I belong in the jail. I am as much of a representation of divine failings as I am the black knight. I have done many a benevolent thing in my life. I will do many more. Perception matters. Absolute sins are a much different thing from perceived sins. For example, take young Anwen here. Should she decide to sleep with every man in the mall tonight, she would be deemed a sinner by the Christian pantheon. She would be praised in others. It would not earn her a place in my hells despite it being deemed a sin. No, my hells are reserved for the absolute sins. That is the point of forgiveness, after all. My hells are reserved for those who have sinned beyond the point of forgiveness. No amount of apologizing will absolve absolute sin. It is my job to safeguard the passage of those souls until they have paid the wages for their sins and have returned to the point of forgiveness.”

“I got rejected by an incubus this morning, Lucy. There is zero chance I’m going to be sleeping with every man in the mall tonight. There’s also a lot of men in the mall tonight I’m not even realistically compatible with.”

“You’d just have to get creative.”

“No.”

“A pity. We could have made it a party. You could have started with your friend here, and once you tired him out, you could try out the other studs here. You would have had a great time.”

“No,” I repeated, and I kept marching for the phone store. “I’m curious about why you’re really here, though.”

“I’m being benevolent, and I’m bored. I hate being bored.”

“You’re not supposed to meddle,” Eoghan grumbled.

“I’m a sinner, Eoghan. Were you really expecting me to do anything other than what I want? I obey the universal laws out of necessity, but that’s as far as my tendency to be obedient goes. Of course, I limit my meddling somewhat. If she hadn’t invoked my name, I wouldn’t have popped on over for a chat. That’s just a consequence of her talking about me. Had she not talked about me, I wouldn’t be here right now. I’m not even cheating this time; I’ve no interest in looking into the future of this matter. I just wanted to see you face to face rather than walking in each other’s shadow. This is an era of new experiences, and you would do well to remember that. This era is ripest for you.”

“Humanity walks through the valley of the shadow of death.”

Eoghan’s reply startled me into stopping. “Why do you say that?”

He shrugged, and the devil grinned.

As the antique didn’t want to talk to me, I focused on the Lord of Lies, wondering if he’d give me a straight answer or offer me a pile of falsehoods and trickery. “If you want an outing, just tell Eoghan what you want from him, then you can help me pick a phone. Until this morning, I was poor, and I just know which one looks prettiest. Now he’s buying me things, and I’m trying to enjoy it while I can.”

“You’ll be able to enjoy that for a long while, so try not to worry about it much. There will be some hiccups. It’s the hiccups I’m here to address. Eoghan, it would be in your best interest to locate the node here, make it yours, and hold it close. The one who killed your caretaker has interest in it, too. By locating it and possessing it, your quarry will come right to you. I recommend you begin your search at Anwen’s former place of employment. There is much for you to learn there, and there are those who would benefit walking in your shadow.”

Eoghan scowled. “Why would you say that?”