Page 20 of Grave Humor

Eoghan’s eyes widened. “Someone asked Satan?”

“Sure. He lives in Georgia right now. From what I’ve seen of him, a pretty nice guy for being, well, the devil. He’s got a daughter—”

“How can he have a daughter?”

“He adopted her.”

Eoghan’s mouth dropped open. “That’s not right!”

“What’s not right about it? I mean, if you look at the legend and lore, he’s not really supposed to be a family man, but everything I’ve seen indicates he dotes on his daughter to the point she wants to kill him. She hasn’t had any luck on that front. There’s an entire website dedicated to the devil’s activities on Earth, and frankly, it’s pretty funny most of the time. I sometimes used my work computer to follow his news.”

“Are we talking about the same creature? Satan, the Lord of Hell? Lord of Lies? The Fallen?”

“Yep. That’s the guy.”

“And you think he’s a nice guy?”

“Sure? I don’t know him personally, but he seems to be a much better parent than mine will ever be. His wife seems like an interesting lady, too. Most of the time, she takes the form of a succubus, but there are a few pictures of her wandering around as either a hybrid lycanthrope or a shapeshifter. Nobody is really sure which. Even his angelic brothers like him.”

“What is wrong with this era?” Eoghan asked, his expression and tone of pure disgust.

“Nothing.” I tried the stew, discovered it to be rich and full of flavor, and ate enough I could take my medications. “In five minutes, I’m going to be very, very happy. Tomorrow, I can take you somewhere to get you set up with everything you need to join modern times. When we’re back, I’ll take my next dose of pixie dust and resume being very happy. The world changed while you were napping. Change isn’t necessarily bad. It’s just change. So, the devil seems to be a pretty nice guy for someone who rules over the many hells. I guess for that faith, somebody has to do it. And anyway, for most, isn’t evil just a matter of perspective?”

“How can evil be a matter of perspective?”

“A mouse certainly thinks a cat is evil, but the barn’s owner loves the cat because it gets rid of the mouse, who eats their grain and may poison their food. It’s a matter of perspective. And really, the only time I think we need to worry is when everyone agrees something is evil—and that’s really evil.”

“Wouldn’t that be the devil himself?” Eoghan asked. “He is the fallen one, after all.”

“Angels fall. Maybe he was the first, but he wasn’t the last. Some new angel ultimately takes the old one’s place. The CDC has a whole section on their website dedicated to the various pantheons. Christianity is a fairly big deal here, so they have a lot about the Christian pantheon. Personally, I’m more of the agnostic bent.”

“Agnostic?”

“I’m unwilling to say I believe in any one specific thing but I am willing to believe there are higher powers out there, including the devil. Well, I’m less agnostic and more ‘I don’t care what you believe in but don’t ask me to believe in it, too.’ There are a lot of religions out there, and I don’t feel like adhering to any one of them. I think they’re all dangerous, and I’d rather not pick any side in that divine brawl. I’m not an atheist, though.”

“Atheist?”

“Atheism is the active disbelief in religion.”

“Oh. Heathens.”

I rolled my eyes. “Heathens are people who believe in something you don’t. That’s not atheism.”

“I see modern times have become complicated.” Eoghan sighed. “To be expected, I suppose. Tell me. What do you think about dogs?”

I perked up at his question. “Dogs? I fucking love dogs. They’re cute, they’re loyal, when they’re trained they do as they’re told, and they make good companions. I like lycanthropes, too—even the ones that aren’t wolves or canines. They get what it means to be loyal. Sunset has exactly zero lycanthropes, because Sunset is populated by a bunch of backwater racists.” I pointed at myself. “I am typically compared to a slightly overcooked loaf of bread, which is a barely tolerable shade as far as this shit town is concerned.”

“Lycanthropes? You like the diseased?”

Oy. There was Eoghan’s fatal flaw. Well, maybe I could beat it out of him with some work. It was worth a try. “Sure. As far as diseases go, I’ll take one that allows me to shapeshift into a dog. Or a cat. Or whatever else lycanthropes can become. Loyalty is sexy, and the virus demands it. Loyalty is very sexy. If men could be half as loyal as the diseased who can shapeshift into dogs, they’d be a lot more useful to me.”

“Gordon? Has the world gone mad since I was last awake?”

“No,” the vampire replied with a smile. “The world has become more tolerant and accepting of differences. This isn’t a bad thing, but it does make the world a strange place. When the emergence began, many thought as you do. Lycanthropy is a disease. It’s been at least eighty years since I was killed for the second time. Even then, people were beginning to accept they might become infected. It’s hard to hate the diseased when it’s your sister, brother, father, or mother. Small towns tend to maintain their loathing of those who aren’t pure. That CDC agent said Lady Anwen is registered as a pure vanilla human. Her DNA is predominantly human, she has no magic despite making scanners ping, and this makes her a prime specimen of what it is to be human nowadays. In a larger city, she would be showcased for her pedigree.”

“Her pedigree?” Eoghan asked, and his tone took on a dark edge.

I giggled. “You get offended over that, but you don’t get offended over actually offensive things.”