Page 14 of Grave Humor

They likely figured they were sparing me from the sticker shock when the bill came in. Truth be told, I would appreciate that later. Director Hammel would ultimately be responsible for paying the bill, assuming he was found so he could be charged for his crimes. But until then, the bill belonged to me.

Hooray.

“If they would offer us hits of dust, we wouldn’t be freezing our asses off out here,” an older man complained between puffs, dragging his IV stand along with him while he paced. As the youngest, and the only one without an IV stand, I drew a lot of unwanted attention. “What are you in for, sweetheart?”

If he called me sweetheart again, I’d be in for a charge of assault when I took his IV stand and shoved it up his ass. I showed off the bandage covering my stitches instead. “A vampire got a hold of me.”

Everyone stared, and despite having already bummed a cigarette, several offered me another. I accepted one, and I found myself the happy owner of an entire pack and a lighter to go with it. “Thanks.”

“After that sort of attack, they should have you on a drip of dust,” my elderly benefactor announced. “I’ve been bitten before. It is not a good time.”

“Well, I wouldn’t say no to some dust right now, but these will help in the meantime.” I saluted him with my new pack. “What’s stopping any of you from just walking off, anyway?”

“Nothing,” everyone chorused.

Hmm. I’d have to tell Eoghan that the granny with a perverted side had done her best to convince me to stay, sometime after I went home and sulked over my new circumstances. After having my arm chewed up, I deserved to indulge in a sulk. “Do you know what happens when someone does decide to wander off?”

They nodded, and the eldest of the lot, who already had one foot in the grave and insisted on flipping the devil off before kicking the bucket, replied, “You get the bill for the care you were given. They don’t care unless you show up back here in worse shape, then they’ll fine you five hundred for being stupid. It’s called the second admittance fee, but really, it’s a fine for being an idiot.”

I bet the old geezer had a reputation of running away and had amassed a huge debt in second admittance fees. “Nice. What’s the best way out of here?”

They pointed down the trail, which meandered through the dark woods.

“That’s not scary at all,” I muttered. “Where does that go?”

“It’ll take you right to the bus stop.”

The bus stop wouldn’t do me any good, not without any cash or a pass, but it would take me to the road, which would eventually lead me home. I wouldn’t like the walk. The walk might finish me off. In good news, I’d stashed some pudding in my otherwise empty pantry, and unless some bastard had taken my keys and stolen the fresh milk from the fridge, I had enough to make it and have milk to drink with it. Some chocolate would help. Chocolate always helped.

“Thanks for the help and the smokes. Have yourselves a good night.”

As promised, the trail led to the bus stop and the road, and I headed for the questionable comfort of home.

No amount of chocolate pudding could salvage a morning involving my dead-beat parents. Had I not expected Eoghan to show up, I wouldn’t have answered the door at all, especially not while dressed in my pajamas and eating right out of the mixing bowl.

Damn it, damn it, damn it. Why couldn’t I have been blessed with some form of fire magic? I would’ve torched the bastards and been done with them if only I had the right spark of magic. “What now?” I demanded, debating slamming the door in their faces.

“We need money,” my mother announced, and her tone implied she expected me to give it to her without a fuss.

Had they lost their minds? Me? Give them money? “What makes you think I have any money to give you?”

Then, because my life needed some extra spice to go with the bitter brew of parental visitation, a limo pulled up the street, and a rather annoyed Eoghan emerged wearing a modern black suit. The only way he’d look better would be naked in my bed immediately if not sooner.

Damn it all. Modern times worked wonders on the man, and I was the one thirsty and hungry for a chance with him. The pervy granny had it all wrong. Who cared if he was hungry? With him in that suit, I’d have to work hard to keep my hands off him.

Fortunately for me, nobody had said I couldn’t look.

To add to my problems, Gordon stepped out of the limo, hissed at the sunlight, and headed my way.

I could keep Eoghan outside to yank on his chain, but I wouldn’t risk the vampire. I got out of his way and gestured for him to enter my home. “The curtains are drawn in the living room, and there’s a basement if that’s not dark enough for you. The basement’s bare, though, but I can bring something down for you if you need.”

“Thank you, Lady Anwen. The living room should be fine.” The vampire dipped into a bow before strolling inside, and he relaxed the moment he stepped out of the sunlight.

My parents sputtered.

“As I was saying, I don’t know what makes you think I have money, but there’s no way in fucking hell I’m paying for your drugs or hookers. I have enough trouble paying my rent.”

Eoghan’s huff fringed on snort territory, and if looks could kill, my entire family would’ve fallen over dead, myself included. As I wasn’t going to let some pre-emergence antique frighten me, I looked him in the eyes and ate more of my pudding before asking, “And what’s your problem?”