Page 45 of Forever Flustered

“I know – I’m volunteering.”

“You don’t strike me as a masochist.”

“You don’t strike me as a coward.”

Ouch, she thought as his gaze darkened. Those were fighting words, but dang, he was difficult sometimes. She just wanted to help, to be included, to feel like a part of his world – even if it was the most remote corner.

“Promise me you won’t go,” he said hesitantly, standing there stiffly. “They can be… unfriendly. I don’t want you getting hurt or insulted.”

“And I don’t want to beat an old man,” she replied openly – and Eli gave her a half-smile that tore at her heart. “If I went, if he tried to harm me or put hands on me, I’m not going to stick around, Eli. I’m not some wilting flower that won’t speak up for herself.”

“No, I know.”

“Do you?” she questioned, looking at him. “Do you know that? Do you trust me? Because I could take them some fruit during the summer, maybe some candy at Halloween, or it would give me someone to have Thanksgiving with so I’m not eating a turkey pot pie all by myself or…”

“Fort Worth,” he whispered, interrupting her. “They’re in Fort Worth. They used to be in Plano, but he threatened a nurse. Before that they were in Shreveport, but he bit someone. You can’t be within arm's reach – and it’s not just my father. My mother eggs him on when he’s having a moment. They said it’s dementia, but he’s always been an angry and brutal man. I think he’s been sick for a very long time – in his head.”

“I’m so sorry,” she replied gently and looked at him. “I would like to check on them for you and appreciate the warning – if you don’t mind sharing with me. I could email you updates or keep you posted on…”

“I just pay the bill,” he interrupted quietly and looked at her. “They gave me life and housed me, so I’m doing the same. That’s where my obligation ends.”

“And that’s where my offer begins, because I don’t have anyone,” she offered. “You have someone, and I don’t. Is that a sad sign of how lonely I am at the holidays that I would take my chances with a pair of senile old coots?” and softened her words with a wan smile – only to see him sit down opposite her, in front of the desk in a chair as he took her hands in his.

“It’s a sign of how giving your heart is – and the capacity it has to care for others,” he began and then hesitated. “We should probably head to Flyboys or my brother will start calling or texting again.”

“What’s the name of the place?” she pressed softly, knowing that he was probably hoping she’d drop the matter, but to her surprise – Eli grabbed a sheet of paper off a pad, writing it down, before looking at her.

“I will email the director when I get back and let her know that you’ll be visiting, so you will have access. Please, please be careful and take care of yourself first. You don’t have to do this for me, but I would prefer you not to be lonely when I’m gone.”

And there it was – he said it.

Nodding, she looked away, feeling her heart break with understanding. A part of her hoped it would be like the others, where she’d heard rumors of how the group of flight school teachers had come for a visit and ended up staying after falling in love. Maybe she craved a little more fantasy in her life than she imagined – maybe it wasn’t just mermaids, unicorns, princesses… maybe she wished Prince Charming would pick her for once – and he wasn’t.

It hurt.

She pushed those feelings down once again, tucking them into that little unhealthy box in her soul where all those other hopes, dreams, and wishes lingered, withering away. Wishes for a parent who would be proud of her, dreams of a home full of children and love, the desperate want of a child for someone not to decide she wasn’t worth the hassle – but that never happened.

Not then…

Not now…

“Thanks,” she said softly, nodding quickly and looking away. “I’ll be careful. I promise. I just need to get my purse and my shoes…”

“Maureen?” There was a catch in his voice, making her wonder if he realized just how hard sometimes things hit you out of the blue. Visiting his parents was an offer from a friend, not a pressing desire. She hoped it eventually would mean something to him, but they were strangers to her. It would be three bitter and broken strangers occupying some time together - eating pudding with skin on it, simply to keep from being alone.

Pathetic.

“Yeah?” she answered quickly, trying to make sure her expression was bright and happy. At the orphanage, people responded to bright and happy much better than dejected or sad – that was also another hard lesson learned. “Whatcha need?”

“Are you okay?” Eli asked openly, and she wanted to be proud of him for being so free with her, but a bigger part of her felt like a liar or charlatan. For all her spouting of ‘drop your baggage’ or ‘be happy’ mumbo-jumbo that she gave him… she felt like a liar.

She wasn’t happy. She was miserably lonely, desperately didn’t want him to leave her… and Eli didn’t feel the same way. He was being pulled away from her by invisible threads within his mind, bonds that she couldn’t fight.

“I’m fine,” she said, smiling at him, nodding. “I’m always fine, you know? We should probably head out soon. You’re right – they’ll start harassing us once again.”

His eyes held hers for a moment, almost as if he didn’t believe her, before he let the matter drop. She was glad. This was not a conversation she wanted to have so soon after sharing their first kiss, because she was not okay. She was so far from ‘okay’ that it was terrifying.

Maureen was in love with her Archangel – and he didn’t feel the same.