Page 39 of Forever Flustered

“I’m not frowning!”

“I heard you, and your face – and both are wrong. There’s a mirror in the bathroom, Colonel Poo. I suggest you check it out and then try again.”

“I’m a lieutenant colonel – and I’m not frowning.”

“TP is on the right, flyboy!” she hollered… and he did a double-take, as he heard her chuckling in amusement. Okay, so maybe he wanted to wash his hands and freshen up, but that was the only reason he was going to the bathroom. There was no way he was going to flush the toilet because he couldn’t give her the satisfaction of being right when she was so…

Eli stopped.

“Oh,” he spotted his expression in the mirror above the sink. There was a deep line between his eyebrows, a small crease down the bridge of his nose because it was such an intense glare staring back at him that even he was intimidated for a moment. Was this the look, the glare, he gave everyone? It was no wonder that no one ever talked with him – which made the fact that Maureen gave him the time of day even more of a miracle to him. Trying to relax his expression, he washed his hands… and then slowly looked back up to his reflection in the mirror.

You’re a fool, you know that? He thought silently, staring himself down. She’s going to run like the wind the moment she finds out what your family is really like or how you’re responsible for them…

Letting out his breath, he closed his eyes and drew in another deep breath, trying to keep that racing, panicked feeling from rushing to the forefront of his mind. He repeated it, his hands gripping the cool porcelain of her sink as he simply stood there trying to pull himself together.

There would never be any family Christmases. There would never be a Thanksgiving gathering like you saw in the movies. Honestly, he wasn’t sure he would qualify for a house because he was paying for the care and boarding for his parents – and that hung over his head like a weight, drowning him in fear. Bode was the fearless one, the brave one, and always had been, whereas Eli had been the stoic one with a core built from years of needing to protect and care for others no matter the cost.

“Worthless…” he breathed, drawing in another panicked breath and jumping as he felt something touch the middle of his back. His sharp eyes met Maureen’s worried ones as she stared at his reflection in the mirror.

“Not worthless,” she whispered to him encouragingly. “We all have value; it’s just different for each person,” she offered sagely, like she was reading his mind once again. “Deep breath in – and out again.”

“I’m fine.”

“Perfect,” she replied succinctly, and he knew he’d already lost just hearing that tone in her voice. Gritting his teeth, he closed his eyes and drew in a breath as she’d told him… and slowly let it out.

“Again,” she instructed him and began gently rubbing circles along his back, down his spine. Each time he took a breath, she would tell him to do it again – but kept rubbing slow circles along his back, bringing his tension down. In fact, he wasn’t sure how long they stood there in the doorway of her small bathroom, but he was positive that this was probably the best experience he’d ever had, simply calling himself down. “Are you okay?”

“Yep.”

“Are you okay?” she asked again, stressing softly as she continued making those circles along his back… and he let out a shuddering breath.

“No,” he whispered, admitting the truth. It was hard to lie to someone when they were doing everything in their power to make you feel safe and accepted – and this was such a rare gift that lying to her felt so wrong. “I’m stressed and worried.”

“About?” she prompted softly, not moving as she continued to draw her fingers along his back in those circular motions. Maybe she was making figure eights – he didn’t know and really didn’t care; it just felt so good to be touched without pain, guilt, or anger. “Talk to me…”

“I don’t want you to,” he began, and then hesitated, turning his face slightly to look at her, bracing himself. “I’m just dealing with a lot, and if I told you, you’d probably run.” She said nothing and just held his gaze, her warm eyes beckoning him to trust her… and it was killing him, because he wanted to. “I’m just not available,” he whispered nervously. “I’m not as available as I’d want to be – for you.”

Her hand stopped moving on his back.

“Are you married?” she asked quietly.

“Oh gosh, no,” he started, staring at her in horror. “Did you think I would actually come here if I were married? I would never cheat on my wife. Respect, honor, and love are central to any family home, and while I never saw that growing up, I would never, ever cheat on the person I vowed to spend my life with,” he promised, his voice hoarse with conviction. “I couldn’t. I wouldn’t…”

Her hand started making those sweet circles on his back again as he closed his eyes and sighed in sheer pleasure at the simple touch. “Gosh, I love that,” he admitted openly, drawing in another deep breath. “It’s so soothing.”

“It’s meant to be,” she replied gently. “So why are you not available? What am I missing? We talked about our pasts – did I miss something?”

“I’m paying for the care of my parents,” he volunteered and braced himself for whatever blowback came. Her fingers still created those soft little circles as he cracked an eye, looking at her.

Her eyes were watching him, open and curious.

“And it’s expensive,” he continued in a hushed voice. “It takes up a good portion of my paycheck. It’s drained my savings,” he tossed out there, waiting and expecting rejection – only to see her lips begin to curl slightly in that mysterious half-smile that drove him nuts. “It’s a lot of money each month.”

“You mentioned that.”

“They’re not exactly nice people,” he hedged once more so she understood the depth of his problems – and saw her nod as her eyes danced, yet those fingers were still drawing those little swirls on his back, comforting him still.

“I gathered that when you mentioned they’d been kicked out of a few facilities,” she began, and then the circles stopped as he tensed, waiting, only to feel her lace her fingers with his. “This isn’t the Taj Mahal,” she smirked at him, using her free hand to wave it in the air as if to say, ‘look around you’. “It took me a long time to learn that if I went to bed full, had a safe place to sleep, and could find happiness in the little moments – then life was grand,” she told him softly. “Sure, I would love a nicer car, a bigger office, a beautiful home – but you know what?” she whispered to him, lowering her voice as her beautiful eyes held his, like she was about to give him the key to happiness or unveil the secrets of the universe in seconds. “None of that matters,” she told him, and he started, opening his mouth to argue with her and she stopped him. “A bigger house means more to clean,” she chuckled. “A newer car means a big payment. A larger office means a hefty bill – which creates stress,” she stressed softly, her words hanging there between them. “Stress kills joy. It steals your happiness. It robs you of appreciating the little things, and it’s just not worth it.”