Page 55 of To Love the Stars too Fondly

“We’ve been on one and a half dates, and you were already on the news. What about when they start following you? Accosting you? You already have one stalker—you don’t need the damn paparazzi.”

“I don’t care about any of that.” I tried to grab her hand, my eyes stinging when she pulled it away. “What I’m signing up for is being with someone who actually cares about me! What the hell even changed, Alex? Yesterday, things were perfect.”

“Your mom thinks I’m a freak, and she’s right. I’m really good at falling fast and fucking pretty girls over.” Alex’s eyes rimmed with red, her voice quivering. “Awesome, you did a deep dive into my sordid past, but do you have any idea how many women I hurt? How many lies I told to get laid?”

“Have you lied to me, Alex?”

“The coffee—”

“Oh, fuck the coffee!” I was ready to beg, to fall to my knees. Instead, I succeeded in grabbing her hand. “Please don’t throw me away because you think you’ll hurt me.”

“I don’t think. I know. It’s what I do.”

“Okay, then you will! And it’ll still hurt a million times less than what everyone else has done.” I tried to swallow my tears but failed, the sting of salt escaping my eye. “We all have a past, Alex.”

“It’s not even about the past. It’s now. It’s the future. I’m sick, Terra. I’m sick in the head.”

“You’re not—”

“I literally am, Terra!” She cut off her yell, stumbling back against the car, where she slumped. The streetlight reflected unshed tears.

“I saw your medication,” I said, as gently as I could muster. “I know you’re bipolar. So yes, you’re right. You are sick, but you don’t have to say it so cruelly. You’re still a human being.”

Alex frantically shook her head. “I’ve done some sick shit when I’m manic. There’s always the threat that I’ll do it again.”

“And when you do, I’ll be there. I’ll hold your hand. I’ll…I don’t know, call your doctor or get you to rehab. Whatever you need.”

“You’re not the first girlfriend to say that,” Alex replied. “They all say that, until I cheat in a manic haze, or scream at them because I’m drunk and paranoid. You know there’s a restraining order against me, right? I wouldn’t stop calling her, texting, emailing—literally everything except breaking into her house. And you wanna know the worst part? I don’t even remember her goddamn name. I was too high off my ass to remember harassing her.”

“But that’s not who you are now,” I pled, coming close enough to touch. “You’re sober. You’re clean.”

“The drugs didn’t do that,” Alex snapped. “My own fucking head did. And it’ll do it again. I’m so damn happy with you, Terra, and that scares the shit out of me because that’s how it starts. Joy. Euphoria. I get a taste of happiness, and the next thing I know, I’m preparing to jump off the roof because I’m God—and I’ll drag you with me, Terra. Just you fucking wait.”

Frantic, I shook my head. “You won’t. And if you tried, I could—”

“You can’t save me, Terra!” The outburst lingered like smoke in the air, toxic and choking. Regret immediately twisted her visage, her tears fighting to escape. “I’m so sorry.”

I faced the ground, my own shame rising. “I know I can’t save you.” The words mocked me as they escaped my lips, a mantra of my own inner demons. “But I could stand with you. Maybe you are a mess. So am I. I haven’t told you about my own past, but—”

“You think I don’t know about yours?”

I heard her derision, her outrage, her fear. My gaze snapped up. “What?”

Finally, she looked me dead in the eye, where I saw unshed tears. “Eloise Vanderborne.”

The words were as piercing as the gunshot that had taken her life. I could say nothing, except, “El.”

“What?”

“She went by El,” I explained, as weak as a newborn foal.

“El. Her mother was a friend of a friend of my mother’s. They ran in the same shitty social circles.”

El’s family had been rich, but I’d never known how rich. I’d only known she’d lost everything when she moved in with Mom and me.

“I saw your face in the newspaper years ago,” Alex continued. “They had posted a picture of you and El from prom in the article. I know she was murdered in a hate crime, and you….” Her words trailed off. “Well, you only faired marginally better.”

My hand had lost feeling. I realized I was squeezing hers tight enough to break bones. I said nothing, nor did I dare blink, lest I see blood behind my eyelids.