Page 10 of To Love the Stars too Fondly

The cool night air was a rare mercy in the desert. Despite the city lights, I spotted a few stars in the sky.

What the hell was I doing with my life?

Depressed, college dropout, somehow managing to hold down a job at a high-end coffee shop…. But I didn’t want to be a barista. Not forever.

I searched for constellations despite the light pollution, and for a brief moment, I felt hands on me, but they were kind. They held me tight. I heard her voice—

“You really know your constellations.”

“Dad taught me a few before he left. He always called me his pupil.”

“Like from that poem you love?”

“That one, yeah. Look, see there’s Ursa Major….”

El hadn’t cared for the stars like I did. Instead, the stars had reflected in her eyes whenever we kissed, whenever I caught her watching me from afar, when she’d told me she loved me for the very first time….

“There’s not much use in an astronomy degree. No money in it.”

“You don’t need money. I’ll get that engineering degree and take care of you. I just want you to be happy.”

We’d never talked about marriage in explicit terms. But I’d sworn I’d spotted a ring in her dresser before we…she….

She was gone. It didn’t matter. Her family had cleared out her dorm before I’d even left the hospital, buried her, and erased me from their memories.

I looked up, managing to spot a tail among the clouds. “There’s Ursa Major, El.”

Perhaps somewhere, somehow, she heard.

Monday

Unfortunately, I closed on Mondays, so getting Alex’s phone number during the 8 AM rush wasn’t going to be an option.

At 5 PM, Liam clocked out and grabbed his things, but he lingered by the counter as I habitually scrubbed it down. “Are you sure you want to close tonight? Alone?”

I forced a smile, though Liam was, unfortunately, more emotionally astute than that. “I’ll be okay.”

“Just say the word,” he pressed. “Derek will understand.”

Liam’s husband was about ten years older than us and thus had some actual emotional maturity, but I shook my head. “I’ve got the panic button. I’ll be fine, I promise. Thank you, though.”

Realistically, I was not fine and was, in fact, terrified. But Alex had said she’d take care of it…whatever that meant. Somehow, though, I felt like she was entirely capable.

Evenings were slow. I admired the people who came in for 7 PM coffee—the night shifters, the ADHD folks, and so on. Rarely unpleasant, and their orders were generally simple: black coffees and plain lattes all around. Occasionally, flocks of teenagers would come in to order a round of frappes, but not on a Monday. Monday nights brought in quiet people, which was why I generally didn’t mind working alone.

After 8, the shop emptied. Thunder outside meant the forecasted monsoon was imminent. When my phone buzzed, my panic rose, but it was just an emergency broadcast, warning of flash floods.

Great.

Minutes later, it buzzed again. Unknown number.

U free tonight?

Cliff was too stupid to change the way he texted to hide his identity. Working. Opening tomorrow. Sorry.

One of many numbers I hadn’t saved, some fuckboy from a party. As much as the lull of partying might actually do me some good, lately I just wanted to sleep.

My phone buzzed. Just a quickie. We don’t even have to bang. Just suck me off.