Page 69 of The Dearly Departed

Would Leonard still be alive if I had left?

"I … don't know," I finally admitted in a voice so weak that it didn't sound like mine. “I, uh …”

Get it together. Calm the hell down.

This isn’t going well.

But did I really expect it to?

"You're freaking me the fuck out, Bram. What the hell is going on?"

"Where's Shawn?" I asked again.

This time, he answered, "Sleeping. Why?"

"I have to talk to both of you."

"What …" Something seemed to dawn on him then, and his face fell as he asked, "Is this about Leonard? Do you know something?"

My jaw shifted from side to side, and there was nothing I could do to hide what I knew in my heart. Ike's eyes widened with panic and realization as he grabbed the too-short arm of the sweatshirt.

"What the fuck happened?"

"I …" I shook my head and turned away. "Shawn has to be here too. I’m only doing this once."

"No! Fuckin' talk to me now! What—"

I reached out and grabbed his wrist, yanking him toward me until my nose barely touched his as I bent down, looming over my little brother.

"Get. Shawn," I said in a low growl, hoping he understood now that I meant business.

"Fine." He wrenched his arm from my grip, shaking me off. "And, by the way, bro, you grab me like that again, and I’ll—"

"Shut the fuck up and get Shawn!"

Without another word, he stormed off down the hall and toward the apartment we had shared with Leonard.

He will never walk these halls again, I thought as both hands thrust into my hair, pulling at the strands until I felt something other than this deep, horrible ache in my chest.

“Fuck,” I gritted out from between my clenched teeth.

Every breath was labored, a struggle, as I pressed my back to the wall of the storage room.

Leonard would know what to do. He’d know what to say, what to think, what to feel. He had taught me so much in the years I spent underneath his wing, but he never taught me what to do with this.

What would you do? Please. Help me. Tell me what to do.

Heavy footsteps barreled down the hallway, and the mumbled voices of my brothers approached.

Protect them.

As if Leonard himself had given me the answer, the words encircled my brain on a loop. It was what he had done, wasn’t it? For whatever reason, he had kept us in the dark about his association with Gerald Crowley. I didn’t know why, I didn’t know if I would ever find the answer, but somehow, I knew it had been to protect us.

And now, I had to protect them.

For as long as I was able, I had to keep them in the dark.

Even if it meant carrying the sinister weight of these secrets alone.