Page 84 of Finding Noah

“What?” she asked, a smile forming on her lips. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Just thinking that there's the same age difference between you and me as there probably was between Seth and Mom.”

Her mouth immediately fell open, her playful demeanor vanishing with the onset of her disgust. “Oh my God, Noah, you cannot be serious. You are not comparing me to that fucking psychopath, right?!”

I laughed, shaking my head and looking back at my phone. “Of course not. You would've had to take advantage of me when I was fifteen to be anything like him. You at least waited until I was legal—”

“Excuse me, I didn't even want you until you were twenty-one!”

I rolled my eyes. “Please. You thought about it before then. Come on. You can tell me. We've been together for years. We're cool at this point.”

“I cannot believe you're actually implying that—”

“I'm not saying you wanted to rob the freakin' cradle. I'm just saying, you know, you probably considered it when I was, like, eighteen. Nineteen maybe.”

She huffed and shook her head, scooting away from me until she sat at the other end of the couch.

“You're being disgusting right now,” she muttered, clearly more annoyed than I'd intended for her to be.

I raised my brows. “Are you seriously mad? I'm just messing around—”

“Well, it isn't funny! You're comparing me to the psychotic piece of trash who repeatedly assaulted your mother!”

Her cheeks were flushed, her eyes were tearing up, and I had very clearly fucked up in a moment of stupidity I never should've said aloud.

I lowered my phone to my lap and shifted in my seat, facing her. “Meg—”

“No,” she said, shaking her head and lifting her hand. “Just stop. I'm not—”

“Meghan, please.”

With a harsh exhale, she turned her heated gaze on me. “What?”

I dipped my chin, looking deep into her eyes. “I'm sorry. It was a stupid thing to say. I wasn't saying you were like him. You aren't. God, of course you're not. I was just … doing the math in my head, and it hit me out of nowhere that this guy my mom had liked at one point was the same number of years older than her as you are to me. That's all. Like I said, it was stupid, and I'm sorry.”

She hesitated for a moment, then blew out another breath as she nodded. “I'm sorry too. I shouldn't …” She groaned and gave her head a shake, sending her curls dancing in the dim light from the hand-me-down floor lamp her parents had given her years ago. “I've just been worried all day about this whole thing. Sitting here, getting my mind all worked up, like Levi was going to … I don't know … bring up too many sensitive topics or something and make you upset, and I kept thinking I should've gone with you.”

“Babe, I'm fine,” I assured her, shifting in my seat and lifting my arm, welcoming her in. “Come on. Let's start over and find Tommy Nolan.”

She sniffed and nodded, rubbing her sleeve beneath her nose. She crawled across the couch, curled up against my side, and laid her head on my chest.

“You're sure you're okay?” she asked in a small, timid voice.

“I'm okay,” I insisted.

But was I? I’d had to ask myself that question several times on the long drive back home from Wayward. Levi had divulged a little more information about my mother's interactions with Seth than I'd gone looking for. He'd shared more about their relationship, if we could call it that, than I'd ever cared to know. I had to live with that now, and was I all right with it? I wasn't sure, but I guessed I'd have to be, right? I couldn't just … forget. If I had that power, I would've forgotten a lot over the years.

Hell, maybe I would've forgotten everything and just … started over.

A clean slate.

I pursed my lips and thought about that question again.

Am I okay?

God, I'd spent years lying for the sake of other people. Not wanting anyone to worry about me when I preferred they worry about themselves while I acted out and got myself into trouble just to force someone to pay attention to me. Hell, look what I'd just done. Insinuated that my fiancée—the woman I loved more than anything—had intentions at all akin to those of my drug-dealer, murderer, rapist biological father who'd preyed upon an underage girl. I hadn't intentionally upset her, but what the fuck had I been thinking, even saying it?

“He said some stuff,” I finally said after a moment of thoughtful silence. “He told me about how Mom had met Dad. How he saved her from Seth before …” I swallowed. “Well, before he took what he wanted anyway and got her pregnant.”