Page 36 of Finding Noah

Admittedly, I thought I'd be happier about having a little brother. I thought I'd be more excited—and I had been, all throughout Mom's pregnancy. I couldn't wait to meet him, couldn't wait to be the big brother I knew I could be, couldn't wait for someone to maybe look at me the way I looked at Soldier.

But the moment he came into the world, something else was born too.

Jealousy.

I recognized it immediately, and I didn't need a therapist or a doctor to tell me what it was. I felt it whenever I looked at Mom and Soldier—Dad—and saw the expressions on their faces at the sight of him. The adoration. The awe. They marveled at every moment, every cry, every grasp of his tiny hands.

Honestly, I felt it too—of course I did! He was my baby brother, and I loved him.

But, God, I was so envious of him too. Because every second of his beginning was a second I’d never had the chance of having as an infant.

I hadn’t been born into a life with a nursery and a swing set and married parents who loved each other as much as they loved me. And by the time Soldier had come into our lives, I was too old to require any of the things they gave to Miles.

Miles was a lucky guy from the moment he was born, and every so often—more than I'd like to admit—I found myself resenting him for it. But it wasn't his fault. He wasn't to blame for anything. He was just a baby, for crying out loud, and I was the loser who couldn’t help being jealous of him for it.

When his second birthday rolled around and our house was full of family and friends and enough toddlers to drive a guy insane, my mind entered an even darker corner of comparison.

I thought of the events I'd experienced in my life.

I thought of the things I'd seen, heard, done.

I thought of that time at Tommy's house when I had been six years old. The gunshot that cracked against my ears and altered the chemistry in my brain.

I thought of walking into our little house in the River Canyon community and seeing Mom naked and crying.

I thought of running through the rainy streets and slippery, wet sidewalks, talking to Meghan Kinney on the phone and praying I wasn't too late to save the lives of the two most important people in my life.

I thought about my real, biological dad. Someone I'd forced from my mind over the span of years, only for him to return with brutal vengeance, and for maybe the first time in my life, I wondered about the precise circumstances in which I'd come into the world.

I guessed some people would find that stupid, right?

How was I seventeen years old and I hadn't questioned it once, especially knowing the things I knew about my parents’ relationship?

Well, no, that wasn't entirely true. I had wondered. I had questioned. But I had come to my own conclusions without having to ask Mom for the details. I knew she and Seth—the man formerly known as Dad, my sperm donor—hadn't been together any time that I could remember, but I always guessed, I assumed, that, at one point, they had been. That maybe they'd been happy for the tiniest fragment of time, in which she'd gotten pregnant, before he got mean.

I had hoped, and I'd allowed that hope to be enough to keep the questions at bay.

But I thought, underneath the hope, there was wisdom, and I kept it under lock and key until the last of the guests left and Miles was asleep in Mom and Dad's bed.

The kid had a whole room to himself, yet he couldn't sleep without the security of sleeping between his parents.

I resented him for that too.

Dad was sitting on the couch, his arms stretched wide across the back and his feet kicked onto the ottoman. He threw his head back and groaned as Mom dropped beside him, resting her temple against his shoulder.

“Next year, when I start talking about throwing another party full of toddlers, talk me out of it, please,” Dad mumbled, his voice laced heavily with exhaustion.

I snorted a laugh from the recliner, my lips quirking into a smirk.

“You loved it,” Mom replied sleepily.

He burst with an incredulous chuckle. “Oh, yeah, it was the best time ever.”

“See?”

“Actually, you know what my favorite part was?”

“Hmm?”