Page 65 of Melt His Heart

“I think I need to let him go. I think I need to let everything go. It was all so much easier when I didn’t have to think about any of this. And now I have feelings for someone, and it’s all I think about. And we’re fighting right now and…” I breathe, releasing everything all at once.

“Wait, I’m, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s ok, Julian. It’s kinda literally my job to listen to you.” She laughs, making me smile.

“Well, first I want to say, on the sports side of things, I don’t think it’s that you need to let anything go, especially not of, your boyfriend?” She questions, her brows raising a bit.

“Well, he’s not my boyfriend. But he’s not not, you know? I don’t know, we’re friends, but you know.” I shake my head because what have me and Carson become exactly?

I’ll need a different session just to talk about that in itself.

We certainly are fighting like we’re in a romantic relationship, but I think I’ve tricked myself into believing I’m not ready. That I still need to feel that gold medal hanging from my neck first before I can allow myself to have him.

Though I think he’s had me this entire time.

“I gotcha, well, I don’t think you have to do that. We more so have to focus on maybe working on shutting off your personal life at work, separating the two, instead of dismissing having one completely. It’s unrealistic, Julian. Everyone needs community. And hey, sometimes it’s hard to maintain. But it’s worth it. Is he worth it to you?” She says, smiling.

I pause. I never thought of it that way.

Carson’s “worth” is immeasurable to me.

“He is. More than.” I nod, biting my lip to force back the tears.

“Then that’s all that matters.” She assures.

“Yeah…” I mutter.

Chapter 22

The whirring of the treadmill is the only sound in the room as I finish another lap. I’ve had a few days to sit and think and sit and think. Since you know, I’m not fit to be on the ice yet. Coach thankfully approved a lighter workout routine, so I won’t drive myself crazy with the lack of movement.

I know Holly is right, especially about me needing to redirect my frustration away from the fact that I’ve found something more out of life than just skating, but to how I need to work on shutting off those negative thoughts when I’m on the ice.

Of course, it’s easy to just do away with the things causing the thoughts, but it can’t always be that simple. I can’t hold this wall up for the rest of my career, not when I do actually care about Carson. I know he cares about me. I know he would fight for me.

He’s never the one running from us.

But this revelation doesn’t dissolve my anger and the bitter feeling in my chest I still hold for him when it comes to Avery. That’s something I have to get through on my own.

My music is blaring in my ear, but I can feel someone start the treadmill next to me while I’m running. I look over, and it’s Avery smiling at me as he starts slow on the machine. I pull my earphone out, squinting at him a bit.

“Hey,” I say warily.

What is he even doing here? I definitely waited to come here at night to avoid Carson and definitely not to see Avery. Or them together.

“Hey,” He looks like he’s thinking heavily about something before he adds, “so I kinda want to talk to you about something?”

Great. That’s it. I’m going to throw up.

“Oh, ok, yeah. Sure.” I slow the machine down to a steady pace, the same speed that he’s going at.

“Look. I’m just going to say this plainly. But there’s nothing going on with me and Carson and there hasn’t been anything for years just so you know.” He starts, and I’m definitely going to throw up.

Did Carson tell him to talk to me?

“Ok. And why are you telling me this?” I ask, knowing exactly why he’s telling me, but I would much rather chew on grass than drop my walls for Carson’s ex-boyfriend.

“Come on, Julian, I think you know why I’m telling you this. Carson’s been playing like shit, by the way.”